Friday, September 17, 2004

This just in:
Did you know that, in the event of a tie, the teams in the Major League wild card hunt could have their tie-breaking home field fate determined by a flip of the coin? The Chicago Cubs don’t care as long as the guy flipping the coin isn’t that foul-ball-flubber Steve Bartman.

In New York City a judge refused to overturn a verdict even though one of the jurors admitted he drank while on jury duty. They should have suspected he was drunk every time the juror stood up and said; “I object, your honor.”

We all up on this right here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bush whacked
*On this date in 1972 the show “M.A.S.H.” debuted. “M.A.S.H.” was a popular show about a military hospital; it was also the closest President Bush ever got to receiving a purple heart.

Dear Penthou, I mean CBS . . .
*I could kind of tell that memo to Dan Rather was a phony:

“Dear Mr. Rather: I never believed your stories were true, that is until it happened to me the other night. I attend a small Northeastern college, I was alone in my room when I heard a knock on my door . . . “

*Rocker Tommy Lee has a book out. And you won’t believe what’s on the book’s complimentary extra-long book mark . . .

A shoe-in
*Saturday is the Miss America pageant. They announced they will feature more skin and less talent. More skin and less talent? Why not just go ahead and give the award to Britney Spears.

You hate to see that
*A poll by the Pew Research center said the presidential race is dead even between Bush and Kerry. I hope this doesn’t make John Kerry cocky, you’d hate to see him get a big head.

Hola, Senior Flippia El Floppio
*Did you know that John Kerry speaks Spanish? He spoke Spanish in an ad many months ago. The Spanish-speaking people love Kerry. They affectionately call him Casaba Grande.

Pssssst, you didn’t hear this from moi . . .
Some lurid details are coming out of the Kobe Bryant testimony on CD. Let’s just say that the name Kobe isn’t the only thing Bryant has in common with a lot of beef.

Martha will get a visitor in prison: Jacob Marley
Martha Stewart has asked to start serving her prison sentence immediately even though she says she’s sad that she’d miss the holidays. Martha loves Christmas, especially when her employees ask for Christmas day off and she gets to tell them that Christmas is a Humbug.

Since you asked:
Lord knows I loves me the technology, but is there some reason the good things have to have such stupid names? TiVo, iPod, Blogger, Yahoo, E-Bay, Google? It’s like having a great Labrador retriever and letting your kids name it Mr. Scooters. The only one that doesn't have a dork name is Blackberry.

We may have to institute a rule that, although the inventors of these items may very well be brilliant with technology, they are, after all, still nerds, and the responsibility of naming these products should go to someone else. As smart as he his, Bill Gates named his monolith with not one, but two names no real guy ever wants to hear in the bedroom: Micro and Soft.