Thursday, September 16, 2004

Oh, now, it don’t have to go all like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Duke and Duke
*Jessica Simpson has been cast to play Daisy Duke in a remake movie of “The Dukes of Hazard” television show. When asked if she thought the famous Daisy Duke shorts were too titillating, Jessica said, “No, they’re not titillating, they’re ass-illating.”

Jessica Simpson is excited about being in the “Dukes of Hazard” movie. Jessica said she’s always wanted to portray royalty.

Not quite the same
*Oprah Winfrey gave everyone in her entire audience a car. And today, Jerry Springer gave everyone in his audience a bus pass.

Don' y'all be callin us no white trash or nuffin'
*Britney Spear’s mother is furious that the press portrays Britney as white trash. Britney’s mom was so mad that when she spoke-out, her un-filtered Marlboro and her wad of chewing tobacco flew out of her mouth.

Britney Spears has launched a new perfume called Curious. Apparently the perfume, Curious, is named after Britney’s behavior.

Britney Spears has launched a new perfume called Curious. That’s a coincidence, Britney, who has admitted to being bi-curious, wants you to go out and, well, buy Curious.

Look for Britney’s new single, “I’m not a girl, I’m not yet a ‘Ho.”

*Martha Stewart wants to begin her prison term. I don’t know about you, but the Holiday eggnog and roasted chestnut party won’t be the same knowing Martha’s in lockdown with her bitch.

Next on Martha Stewart’s Living: How to decorate razor wire with Mistletoe.

Let’s be nice, girls
*The American/European Ryder Cup golf competition is this weekend and the European press is making fun of the all-blonde, American team’s wives labeling them the Peroxide Army. It’s getting catty. The American women made fun of the varied colored unruly hair of the European women. And that’s just in their armpits.

That old chestnut?
*San Diego Padres rookie-great Khalil Greene is out for the season. The injury isn’t as bad as first thought. Initially Greene complained that it hurt when he touched his knee, his shoulder, his arm and his head. Turns out the blonde-haired Greene sustained a broken finger.

No, not really
*We’ve had hurricane Francis and now Ivan. I’m looking forward to hurricane Oprah, instead of wind and rain, hurricane Oprah dumps a new car on your lawn.

Since you asked:
Let me give you some sage TiVo advice when it comes to the Cubs. When recording the Cubs games, always include “The Tenth Inning Show.” If the game goes long, you are more likely to see the end. Not only that, as painful as it is, record whatever crap show WGN has listed after “The Tenth Inning, since it is only 15 minutes long.” Whether it’s “Cosby” or, lord help us, “Saved by the Bell” it is better than missing some extra innings. Sure, you’re TiVo will now think you’re a dweeb and record episodes of “Full House” and “Dawson’s Creek” on it’s own while snickering at you - because it now thinks you like crap sitcoms - it is better than missing the end of the game, ala Sammy’s Grand Salami yesterdiddy.

Go Cubs.