Saturday, August 14, 2004

Saturday late morning caffeine fueled rant:
It sure was fun making fun of the Greeks inept preparations for the Olympics, but, boy is it that over now. Great job, Athens. And no, they didn’t turn French on us and treat the American visitors badly. At my current rate of being wrong, Gloria Allred might yet win miss Congeniality at the Miss America pageant.

Have you seen “Bend it Like Beckham”? A right cute movie, as my grandmother Rodgers from Louisville Kentucky would’ve said. It really captures the unbridled joy of the youthful love of sports and friendship, especially when lightening strikes and the two combine.

Craig Kilborn has announced he is leaving CBS’s “Late Late Show.” Can you say contract ploy? What’s he going to do if he leaves, hire someone to kill Bruce Jenner and takeover his infomercials?

Speaking of that, I saw my former Decathlon idol, Bruce Jenner, on one of his countless, smarmy info-huckstering shows. A chunk of my youth died a horrible death. What is with the face lift and the hair? Jenner looks like the lesbian partner of a Torrance, CA plastic surgeon.

Go Cubs.

Friday, August 13, 2004

This just in:

Some sad news, cooking legend Julia Childs passed away. She was 91. 91. Gosh, and if she just hadn’t had so much wine and butter, who knows how long she would have lived?

Some sad news:

Don Henley and Gloria Allred just called to say they aren't coming to my birthday party. (Two more shopping days, Slats and Nugs)

Along with Michael Moore, Anna Nicole Smith, President Bush, John Kerry and the entire country of France, this makes a lot of people who said they won't be there. Was it something I said? When did people become so sensitive?

That's OK. Kasey and Wrigley are coming.

Let’s give a holler to the play caller, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How windy was it?
Hurricane Charlie hit Florida with 145-mile-an-hour winds. To show you how strong that is, it actually blew people into a theater showing the movie “Cat Woman.”

Good for you
*Are you ready for the Olympics? Yes? Then you’re doing better than the city of Athens.

Weather updates
It has been hot. I’ve been sweating like an Athens, Greece building inspector; “Um, I guess that duct tape will hold until the Olympics are over.”

There were record low temperatures in the mid-west. It was so cold, people were shaking like they had to tell Rosie O’Donnell gay marriages are no longer legal.

Non bon
If recent events are an indication, our athletes will receive a loud, unfriendly, anti-American reception at the Olympics. How unfriendly and anti-American? The entire Olympic stadium could actually become honorary French citizens.

Kill them with kindness
*Last week John Kerry’s called for a more sensitive approach to terrorism. What is a more sensitive approach to terrorism? Well, for example, instead of referring to the cutting off of heads crassly as beheadings, we could use the more sensitive expression; “cranial liberation.”

How can we be more sensitive with terrorists? Well, instead of unfairly using the term suicide bombers, we could use the more empowering term of freelance combustibles.

Without the snorts
The winner of “The Last Comic Standing” was John Heffron. If you haven’t seen John, imagine a younger, better-looking, less annoying, and much quieter Bobcat Goldthwait.

Feeling better
*The band Van Halen is on tour with their second lead singer, Sammy Hagar. The first singer, avid Lee Roth? Diamond Dave is studying to become an emergency medical technician. Imagine being in emergency room and you look up and there is David Lee Roth?

“Come to think of it, David Lee, my heart attack isn’t so bad, I’ll be leaving. I think I’ll go jog.”

Too bad
*Some bad news for John Kerry and John Edwards; Gay marriages have been ruled not legal.

I know those dudes . . .
San Diego Padres rookie Khalil Green provided the winning run against the Chicago Cubs. Is it me, or does Khalil look exactly like Sean Penn’s stoned surfer character Jeff Spicoli in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”?

“Just playing baseball and learning about Cuba.”

Since you asked:
Publicity addict and scary feminist attorney Gloria Allred is representing Amber Frey at the Scott Peterson trial. Allred currently has shattered the world record for angrily calling press conferences to announce her clients have no statement.

The few feminists I know are sensitive of the sometimes prickly public image of feminists; so why feminists allow the angry, shrill, and other-worldly litigious Allred to speak for them makes as much public relations sense as the Partnership for a Drug Free America naming Courtney Love their spokesperson.

On the other hand, they say if you have to have a lawyer - and for all of our sakes, let's hope you don't - then you want the meanest, nastiest, most-frightening, mouth-foaming pitt bull you can find. From that standpoint, maybe feminists did the right thing by picking Allred.

But Gloria sure is a sharp dresser. The red accentuates the fire in her coal black eyes.

The first time I ever saw Allred was during an old “Phil Donahue Show” where she was arguing in favor of gay marriage. My beloved cousin wanted to marry her partner, so I tuned in strongly in favor of gay marriage.

By the time Allred had finished screaming, spitting, screeching and spewing her vitriol, she was so off-putting, I turned it off newly undecided on gay marriage and very afraid of Gloria Allred. The expression; “I can’t hear you because you are too loud” doesn’t even come close to describing Allred’s deeply disturbing performance.

Allred is the feminist version of what Jesse Jackson has become for black people; they both desperately hurt their side’s cause but everyone is too afraid of them to say no thanks, please go away. Both self-righteously claim to carry the shield for civil rights, but they are only interested in self-promotion and lining their pockets at the expense of those they claim to help.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

We better check it before we wreck it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Heeeeey, New Jerseeeeeeeey
New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey announced his resignation as he revealed that he is gay and that he carried on an adulterous affair with a man. A spokesperson for the New Jersey Gov. office said they prefer to think of it as less of a scandal and more of a queer makeover.

The man McGreevey had the affair with, former Homeland Security Advisor Golan Cipel, brought a whole new meaning to the term: serving under the governor.

There were signs that McGreevey might have been gay; he was a very neat and sharp dresser. In fact, some say he put the natty in Gubernatorial.

McGreevey was an out spoken opponent of gay marriage. That’s not going to help him in the gay dating scene.

Either one
Author Eric Brende has written: “Better Off: Flipping the switch on technology.” In the book he describes how his family lives without TV, radio, a computer, a DVD and they use kerosene lamps at night. Some say Brende is a low-tech genius. Others say he is just really, really cheap.

That explains it
In Arizona, John Kerry and his wife Teresa Heinz got in a huge fight and spent the night in separate hotel rooms. Apparently the campaign is being advised by Hillary Clinton.

Playing Ketchup
According to campaign insiders, John Kerry’s wife, Teresa Heinz is not taking the daily grind very well. In fact, to get her going, they have to turn Heinz upside down and repeatedly smack her bottom.

According to campaign insiders, Teresa Heinz is quite a handful. Let’s just say there is a new word that describes Teresa besides rich, but it sure does rhyme with rich.

Hut, hut, get over yourself
Philadelphia Eagles receiver Terrell Owens accused his former quarterback Jeff Garcia of being gay. Where does a wide receiver get off accusing a quarterback of being gay? The center? Well, he has a case, but not the receiver.

Owens was upset because Garcia mistakenly referred to Owens as a tight end rather than a receiver.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Oh, we so not playin’ now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

An ongoing dilemma
John Kerry was at the Grand Canyon. It wasn’t an easy trip for Kerry, he couldn’t figure out which side of the Grand Canyon to stand on.

How . . . hot is it?
*It’s been hot and muggy in California. It was so hot in Redwood City; people were filing into the Scott Peterson trial just to hear the chilling testimony.

So that’s what they’ve been doing
*Despite worries otherwise, reports from Athens indicate the Olympic construction is complete. At the last minute, they hired the “Blazing Saddles” props crew that slapped-together the fake Rock Ridge town to lure the bad guys.

So that’s how it’s done
*U.S. and Iraqi forces are ready to attack the holy city of Najaf. Don’t there seem to be quite a lot of holy cities in Iraq? What qualifies a city as holy? Easy. Mail in the box tops from a box of Mullah Munchies snack treats and you’re certified as a holy city.

Najaf is a holy city, holy as in hole-in-the-wall.

Can you imagine?
*The FBI says terrorists might try to use taxicabs in future terrorist attacks. Now, I know the FBI is supposed to think outside the box with terrorist, but seriously, how is a Middle Eastern man ever going to get his hands on a taxicab? Why, that’s downright silly.

The FBI also says terrorists might use limousines for future terrorist attacks. That means the safest night of the year will be the night of the Academy Awards; every limo in the country is taken.

The guy’s name is Porter? Oh, that should scare the terrorists away.
*President George W. Bush has nominated Rep. Porter Goss as the new director of the Central Intelligence Agency. Goss was a C.I.A. agent back in 1960, so at least he’s up to date on the C.I.A.’s most recent security information.

Democrats oppose republican Goss’s nomination as a partisan choice. This is how politics works; if your party is picked, that’s fair, balanced and impartial; if someone from another party is picked, then that’s ugly, partisan, biased and unfair.

This is a tough one. On the one hand, Goss was a successful spy, businessman and congressman and he seems highly qualified to head the C.I.A.; on the other hand, Bush picked him, so who knows?

Now, under the equal time rule
*John Kerry met with a tribe of Navajo Indians. They awarded Kerry an honorary Indian name: Chief Flippity Flop.

Knew that sounded familiar
*In Najaf, the Iraqi insurgents were warned by the coalition forces; “Leave the city, or you will die.” Coincidentally, the phrase “Leave the City or You Will Die” is also on the “Welcome to Newark” sign.

We kid the state where I was born
*In Kentucky, a teacher was charged with having sex with her student. I didn’t know that was illegal in Kentucky. The two must not have been related.

Since you asked:

Denial is an amazing thing. For five years in college track, I denied that my hamstring was torn even though it never, ever, got better day in and day out. Each day, I honestly thought the next day it would be OK. At first that is gutsy, after a month, it is just plain stupid. But for five years? Well, besides beyond any normal definition of stupid, that is the power of denial for you.

It’s the same when you get a cold.

“Ahhhhhhh chew. Uh oh. Is that a cold? Nahh. Allergies. Besides, this air conditioner messes with my sinuses. Nope, definitely not a cold. OK, what is that tightness in my throat? Is that a cold? Not really soreness, just, I don’t know, not right. Nahh. Still not a cold. And this achy feeling? Well, I worked out yesterday. Must have gone at it a little too hard. And this sweat on my forehead? Too much coffee, yep, that’s it.”

That is the hell of being a full-blown hypochondriac. You only imagine you have what you don’t or won’t ever have. If you actually do get something, you deny it.

Stop me if I mentioned this:
After a week off, I am back on my workout routine. Yes, I need to lose 15- 20 pounds, and no, I’m not as young as I used to be, but, all things considered - namely wine and cheeseburgers - I am in pretty good shape.

But I have noticed that when I go for a run recently – usually about 25 to 30 minutes – I go through three distinct phases, each one morphing into their own, separate, personality.

Phase one of the run: This isn’t so bad.

That’s when I morph into Defiance Man:

“Ah ha. Look at me you mere mortals, I am the mutant Defiance Man. I defy mere mortal things like gravity, age, weight, and I run like the wind. Look at me run past these young skinny fools. Ha ha ha!”

Phase two of the run: OK, yes I guess this is pretty bad.

Phase two is when I morph into Darryl Bob, the middle-aged, not-too-bright ex-football jock:

“Well, I'll-tell-ya-what, dag nabber it, I guessed I shouldneh et all them pizza ‘n beers what I done 'et last night, he yuck, yuck, yuck.”

Phase three, the final phase of the run: What the hell was I thinking about?

This is when I morph into Sol, the bitter, old and grumpy Miami Beach retiree:

“Oy vey, I must’ve been meshugeh (crazy) to think I could rrrun. I don’t know from rrrunnink, I svear to god, I don’t know from rrrunnink.”

And that’s how we play, “Alex Should Be Working On His Writing Project Not ‘Effing Around With This”

(Polite applause)

Check this guy out. He writes for Conan. You can see his jokes here and then hear them on the show.

Man's got mad, sick, crazy comedy writing skilz. (OK, I am even starting to annoy myself with this faux-street-cred-crap)

(Polite applause)

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

This just in:

Construction completion is not looking good for the Olympics. In fact, today, they announced the motto for the Athens games is: “Pardon our dust.”

This also just in:
Here was my Chicago/Winnetka/Wisconsin update of last week:

What a great time. Great friends, great food – copious amounts of meat and grilled onions- tons of laughs, perfect weather, kayaking, swimming, running, sailing, tennis and fireworks over a mirror-like lake on a night with a huge, yellow, then silvery, full moon.

My word, that wasn't a vacation summary, that was a Tampon commercial.

How come you never call the house already, already Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

How muggy is it?
*Due to storms in Mexico, it has been muggy here in California. It’s been so muggy, Courtney Love has been sticking to her rehab program.

It’s been a hot summer everywhere. In Washington, people have been reading the 9-11 Commission report just for the chilling evidence.

The Yellow teeth peril
*The Associated Press reports that over 500 million people in China have never brushed their teeth. In a related story, today London named Beijing its sister city.

You know it’s bad when even the French are disgusted by a lapse of hygiene.

Kirstie ready to burstie
*It’s been reported that Kirstie Alley has created a new TV show about the life of an overweight celebrity. Yeah, it’s called the Michael Moore show.

Kirsty is so big she has to change her name from Kirsty Alley to Kirsty Boulevard.

*President George W. Bush has nominated Rep. Peter Goss as the new director of the Central Intelligence Agency. Asked to comment, one C.I.A. agent said;

“What happened to that other director, George what’s-his-name? Tenet, that’s it. Did he quit or something?”

Oh sure
*A Los Angeles times survey reports that 4 out of 10 people urinate in the shower. Come on, only four out of ten? Sure, and 8 out of 10 men would rather cuddle.

Get it? The dog ate the . . . oh never mind
*A new study shows that too much homework can make kids obese. And not turning in your homework can make their dogs obese.

Fighting for the job
*Bondholders said Trump Hotels & Casino Resorts Inc will go into voluntary bankruptcy and restructure its debt if Donald Trump steps down as CEO. The only problem is trying to select which lucky one of the thousands of bondholders gets to tell Trump; “You’re fired.”

I, uh, I did not know that
*Did you know that the Chicago Cubs newly acquired Nomar Garciaparra’s first name is his Dad’s name, Ramon, spelled backwards? And it turns out Garciaparra is Spanish for Dyslexia.

Hmm, heap sounds about right
John Kerry met with a tribe of Navajo Indians. They awarded Kerry his honorary Indian name: Chief Monster Noggin.

It may be an old joke, but it still sucks all the same
They thought Koko the sign-language-using gorilla signed that she had a dental problem. They thought she said; “tooth hurtie”. Now it turns out she was just telling them what time it was: two-thirty.

Bring in the clones
They have cloned domestic house cats. What they need to clone is everyone who doesn’t think this is the stupidest thing they’ve ever heard.

Since you asked:
And now it’s time to play another round of:

Alex’s Really Wrong Predictions.

September 19th, 2003:

If you ask me, "The Dr. Phil Show" has about as much chance to survive as the FBI does of capturing Osama bin Laden eating chicken wings at the Sheboygan, MI Hooters.

This is a good one, but it still doesn’t compare to my 1983 prediction:

Rap music won’t even last half as long as that disco crap did.

Or how about my 1985 prediction?

Madonna’s career is already on its last breath.

Monday, August 09, 2004

We finally feelin’ you, and I mean that in a non-Arnold kind-of-way, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How . . . hot is it?
*It has been hot. Today I was sweating like an Athens Olympics construction worker.

Did you know the Olympics are going to be in Beijing in 2008? You know the difference between Beijing and Athens? Beijing is ready to host the Olympics.

That name sounds familiar
*Actor Don Johnson has been ordered by a Colorado judge to pay his $6,000 grocery tab at an Aspen store. And this doesn’t even include the tip he owes the grocery clerk, Phillip Michael Thomas.

In swanky Aspen, do you know what they call a $6,000 grocery tab? A midnight snack.

Do you know what Kobe Bryant calls a $6,000 Colorado food tab? A bargain.

Had to see it to believe it
*John Elway gave a touching speech at his Canton, Ohio Hall of Fame induction. The majority of the crowd consisted of devoted Denver fans, but there was also a strong contingent of Cleveland Brown fans there to see, with their own eyes, that Elway was really retired for good.

Bad deal
*The Chicago Cubs acquired Nomar Garciaparra from Boston in a steal of a trade. This has to be the worst thing the Cubs did to the Red Sox since they sent them Billy Buckner.

Now, I don’t want to get off on a slant, here, but . . .
*The Eagle’s Don Henley was booed at a concert in Orange County when he spoke in support of Linda Ronstadt. Henley replied; “We used to be able to have civil debate in this country.” To which the audience said; “We used to be able to pay singers to shut up and sing.”

In an oddly ironic twist, the Dixie Chicks, Linda Ronstadt and Don Henley paid to attend a political conference and, when keynote campaign advisor James Carville came out and started to sing “Desperado,” all the singers booed him off the stage.

If out-spoken singers like Linda Ronstadt, the Dixie Chicks and Chrissy Hynde want to write a great song titled; “My Opinion is More Important Because I’m a Celebrity” I’m all ears. In the meantime, quit the speeches and sing your little songs, OK Skippy?

Truth-in-advertising laws may soon force politically outspoken singers to bill their concerts as part performance, part political lecture. In that case, look for these concerts to be held at venues a little bigger than the corner booth at a Dennys restaurant.

Since you asked:
One of reasons, albiet one of the smaller ones, I moved out to California from Illinois was my love of the Avocado mafia: The Eagles, Jackson Browne, Linda Ronstadt, Randy Newman, James Taylor, Warren Zevon and, yes, I will even admit that, at the time, I was a fan of that incredible sappy cornball Dan Fogelberg.

Not only have I made an emotional investment, I have sunk down a lot of coin for tickets, albums t-shirts and even posters. These folks wore their politics on their sleeves, that was part of the deal. The Eagles songs “On the Border” and “Last Resort” were about their views on politics and the environment, just to name two.

The last real Eagles concert was a benefit for liberal congressman Alan Cranston in Long Beach, which I happily paid for and attended because it said right on the ticket: “Proceeds go to Alan Cranston for Senator”. Same thing with a Jackson Browne an Anti-Nukes concert in Santa Barbara.

Where I – and obviously a lot of other people - have a problem is when these rock stars start to preach on our dime. It is not about left or right politics – as much as Linda Ronstadt or Don Henley would like to think it is – it’s about the fact that nobody wants to have to pay a lot of money to be lectured by someone who became a millionaire many times over for something far different than airing their political beliefs.

You can't turn a concert off like a radio. You are a captive audience, and if a sanctimonious rock star starts a pious diatribe, it is very annoying, whether I agree with the sentiments or not.

If a rock star bills the concert as a rally or a benefit, that’s one thing; but for these artists to feel persecuted because they weren’t considerate enough to realize that their concerts are an escape for their fans from problems and arguments, political or otherwise, well, that is both selfish and rude to their fans and it deserves to be roundly booed.

In their defense, many of the Avocado mafia have put their money where their mouths are and raised huge money for charity, especially Don Henley and Jackson Browne. That is great, I have contributed to some of those, especially Walden Woods. But when I pay to hear a concert that is not a benefit, please, don't put my money where your mouth is.

Just imagine dialing up an alleged comedy writer's web log, for example, and, instead of jokes, he vents his opinion on a topical issue instead? That would be . . . oh, wait, heh, heh, ahem.

Never mind.

Let me know what you think, Slatterns and Ranchers:

Be nice. Remember, we comedy types are needier - as well as more sensitive - than a lost puppy in the rain.

Have you seen this? You should: