How come you never call the house already, already Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?
How muggy is it?
*Due to storms in Mexico, it has been muggy here in California. It’s been so muggy, Courtney Love has been sticking to her rehab program.
It’s been a hot summer everywhere. In Washington, people have been reading the 9-11 Commission report just for the chilling evidence.
The Yellow teeth peril
*The Associated Press reports that over 500 million people in China have never brushed their teeth. In a related story, today London named Beijing its sister city.
You know it’s bad when even the French are disgusted by a lapse of hygiene.
Kirstie ready to burstie
*It’s been reported that Kirstie Alley has created a new TV show about the life of an overweight celebrity. Yeah, it’s called the Michael Moore show.
Kirsty is so big she has to change her name from Kirsty Alley to Kirsty Boulevard.
Huh?
*President George W. Bush has nominated Rep. Peter Goss as the new director of the Central Intelligence Agency. Asked to comment, one C.I.A. agent said;
“What happened to that other director, George what’s-his-name? Tenet, that’s it. Did he quit or something?”
Oh sure
*A Los Angeles times survey reports that 4 out of 10 people urinate in the shower. Come on, only four out of ten? Sure, and 8 out of 10 men would rather cuddle.
Get it? The dog ate the . . . oh never mind
*A new study shows that too much homework can make kids obese. And not turning in your homework can make their dogs obese.
Fighting for the job
*Bondholders said Trump Hotels & Casino Resorts Inc will go into voluntary bankruptcy and restructure its debt if Donald Trump steps down as CEO. The only problem is trying to select which lucky one of the thousands of bondholders gets to tell Trump; “You’re fired.”
I, uh, I did not know that
*Did you know that the Chicago Cubs newly acquired Nomar Garciaparra’s first name is his Dad’s name, Ramon, spelled backwards? And it turns out Garciaparra is Spanish for Dyslexia.
Hmm, heap sounds about right
John Kerry met with a tribe of Navajo Indians. They awarded Kerry his honorary Indian name: Chief Monster Noggin.
It may be an old joke, but it still sucks all the same
They thought Koko the sign-language-using gorilla signed that she had a dental problem. They thought she said; “tooth hurtie”. Now it turns out she was just telling them what time it was: two-thirty.
Bring in the clones
They have cloned domestic house cats. What they need to clone is everyone who doesn’t think this is the stupidest thing they’ve ever heard.
Since you asked:
And now it’s time to play another round of:
Alex’s Really Wrong Predictions.
September 19th, 2003:
If you ask me, "The Dr. Phil Show" has about as much chance to survive as the FBI does of capturing Osama bin Laden eating chicken wings at the Sheboygan, MI Hooters.
This is a good one, but it still doesn’t compare to my 1983 prediction:
Rap music won’t even last half as long as that disco crap did.
Or how about my 1985 prediction?
Madonna’s career is already on its last breath.
How muggy is it?
*Due to storms in Mexico, it has been muggy here in California. It’s been so muggy, Courtney Love has been sticking to her rehab program.
It’s been a hot summer everywhere. In Washington, people have been reading the 9-11 Commission report just for the chilling evidence.
The Yellow teeth peril
*The Associated Press reports that over 500 million people in China have never brushed their teeth. In a related story, today London named Beijing its sister city.
You know it’s bad when even the French are disgusted by a lapse of hygiene.
Kirstie ready to burstie
*It’s been reported that Kirstie Alley has created a new TV show about the life of an overweight celebrity. Yeah, it’s called the Michael Moore show.
Kirsty is so big she has to change her name from Kirsty Alley to Kirsty Boulevard.
Huh?
*President George W. Bush has nominated Rep. Peter Goss as the new director of the Central Intelligence Agency. Asked to comment, one C.I.A. agent said;
“What happened to that other director, George what’s-his-name? Tenet, that’s it. Did he quit or something?”
Oh sure
*A Los Angeles times survey reports that 4 out of 10 people urinate in the shower. Come on, only four out of ten? Sure, and 8 out of 10 men would rather cuddle.
Get it? The dog ate the . . . oh never mind
*A new study shows that too much homework can make kids obese. And not turning in your homework can make their dogs obese.
Fighting for the job
*Bondholders said Trump Hotels & Casino Resorts Inc will go into voluntary bankruptcy and restructure its debt if Donald Trump steps down as CEO. The only problem is trying to select which lucky one of the thousands of bondholders gets to tell Trump; “You’re fired.”
I, uh, I did not know that
*Did you know that the Chicago Cubs newly acquired Nomar Garciaparra’s first name is his Dad’s name, Ramon, spelled backwards? And it turns out Garciaparra is Spanish for Dyslexia.
Hmm, heap sounds about right
John Kerry met with a tribe of Navajo Indians. They awarded Kerry his honorary Indian name: Chief Monster Noggin.
It may be an old joke, but it still sucks all the same
They thought Koko the sign-language-using gorilla signed that she had a dental problem. They thought she said; “tooth hurtie”. Now it turns out she was just telling them what time it was: two-thirty.
Bring in the clones
They have cloned domestic house cats. What they need to clone is everyone who doesn’t think this is the stupidest thing they’ve ever heard.
Since you asked:
And now it’s time to play another round of:
Alex’s Really Wrong Predictions.
September 19th, 2003:
If you ask me, "The Dr. Phil Show" has about as much chance to survive as the FBI does of capturing Osama bin Laden eating chicken wings at the Sheboygan, MI Hooters.
This is a good one, but it still doesn’t compare to my 1983 prediction:
Rap music won’t even last half as long as that disco crap did.
Or how about my 1985 prediction?
Madonna’s career is already on its last breath.
posted by Alex at
12:35 PM
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