Friday, April 16, 2004

Can I get an Amen Corner one time for our man "Lefty" Phil Mickelson, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

You gotta love the effort
"The Alamo" is a marketing nightmare. Disney is over-stocked with Davey Crocket coonskin caps, so they are going to cut off their tails and try and sell them as Donald Trump hairpieces.

A stretch in a couple of levels
The porn industry has shut down due to a couple adult film actors who contracted the HIV virus. Of course, calling porn performers actors is sort of like calling poker players athletes.

Let's keep the trend going
Sports fans are still talking about Phil Mickelson's great Masters win. That commercial free broadcast was amazing. Now all we have to do is get Martha Burke to boycott the NFL, the NBA and Major League Baseball.

Since you asked;
Today I got squatameech, I got fazool, I got badang, I got zilch, I got nada, I got zip, I got bubkis, I got, well, you got the idea what I got.

Any ideas for jokes? Let me know, 'cause I got nunca.

P.S. Cubs win in an amazing game coming back to beat the Reds 11-10 with back-to-back homers in the bottom of the ninth by Sosa and Alou on a beautiful Chicago spring late afternoon. All that was missing was a a silhouette of a woman standing with a wide hat.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

What is, what it was, what it shall be, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What a scam
*A study claims that teenage lesbians have a higher chance of smoking. Another study reveals that guys who do studies would rather study teenage lesbians than anything else in the world.

Who pulled off this scam? "Uh, yeah, professor, I'd like to study teenage lesbians. I'll need a computer, an Internet connection and lots and lots of Kleenex.

*A Rueters story's headline read; "Scientists find potential easy path to erections." Yeah, and it's by studying teenage lesbians.

The Tax Man
*Who finished their adult math homework? Who finished their taxes? I might be in trouble, now that I think of it. I tried to claim my gas tank as a dependent.

This could work
*The first two people have been arrested under a new California law for illegally recording films in theaters for video taping "The Alamo" and "The Passion of the Christ." They are going to try and get off by pleading insanity. It could work, they also recorded "Gigli."

What was he thinking?
*The guy who caught Barry Bonds historic 660th home run from his Kayak in McCovey cove, Larry Ellison, gave the ball to Bonds for free. That's only fair, it's not like Bonds is getting paid or anything. Bonds is playing for free, right?

Don't worry, the guy is getting something for the Barry Bonds 660th home run ball. He gets a Balco certificate for free steroids for life.

The guy gave the 660 homer ball to Bonds for free? Man, if that was me, not only would I have demanded money, I would have done it in the same annoying way as the players: "It's not about the money, it's about respect. It's about taking care of my family."

It's not TV, it's HB Oh my
*Have any of you seen HBO's western "Deadwood"? It's pretty good, but I gotta warn you, there is so much graphic violence and swearing, it makes "The Sopranos" look like "The Brady Bunch."

If the FCC's Mike Powell ever saw "Deadwood" he'd end up in a straight jacket curled up in the fetus position in a padded cell.

There is a character in "Deadwood," Al Swerengen, who is so evil, so dastardly, he makes Snidely Whiplash look like Winnie the Pooh.

Until "Deadwood" I thought; "He died and the pigs ate him" was just a colloquialism.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

We gonna rub some funk on it and throw down the jam, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Do you know what's coming next month? The seventeen year cicadas. In a related story, McDonald's will unveil a new menu item: their new McLocusts.

The Mean Green Obscene
*Phil Mickelson said he wore his Masters green jacket to bed with his beautiful wife, Amy. Apparently Phil doesn't want any more children for a while. Talk about your birth control, yikes.

Phil in bed wearing just the Masters jacket? Wow, I am a huge fan of ol' Lefty, but, eww, I don't need that mental picture, thanks anyway Phil.

Even a guy who just won the Masters and $1.2 million dollars couldn't get lucky wearing that jacket to bed.

Or as the sports world call that jacket: the other green monster.

Or as I like to call the Masters jacket: The Mean Green Obscene.

Listen, Phil is a handsome guy, he has slimmed down and he looks great, but I'm sorry, that jacket with no pants is not a good look. It didn't work for Porky Pig, it won't work for Phil.

*Now that he won the Masters, the press has gone from calling Phil Mickelson "The best player never to win a major" to "the only player with a shot to win this year's Grand Slam." At least the press isn't fickle.

Unclear on the concept
*Britney Spears wants her own reality TV show. I'm not sure Britney really gets the reality TV thing; she said the only thing that worries her is memorizing those long scripts.

Jessica Simpson has a reality show, Britney feels that if Jessica can memorize those long scripts, she can too.

The only question is if Britney gets a reality show, who is going to lip-sync her dialogue?

OK, who did it?
*Attorney General John Ashcroft blamed President Clinton for 9-11. Clinton has blamed Bush. The CIA blamed the FBI, the FBI blamed the CIA. There hasn't been this much finger pointing in Washington since they served cabbage and chili at the Congressional cafeteria.

The sign of the beast
*Barry Bonds has hit 661 home runs, third all time to Ruth and Aaron. Just five more homers and Bonds will be at 666, or as his detractors call 666: Bond's birth number.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Can a brother get a minute to get his crazy on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Boozers and losers
*According to a new survey, 91% of Americans said they would not want to share a cocktail with a presidential candidate. Speaking of the candidates and drinking, did you hear what happened to John Kerry? He got drunk and woke up with a big head.

You know what Dennis Kucinich drinks? A real long shot.

Such a deal
*I'm very excited, my gas loan came through. And I got a great rate because I'm going to fill up the entire tank. Sort of a volume discount.

That explains it
*In his discussion with the 9/11 panel, President Clinton said he was always concerned about an attack. That's why he was always urging his interns to hide under the desk.

Official Cubs jargon
*Chicago Cubs pitching ace Mark Prior is out with a sore achilles tendon. Or as the Cubs call the achilles tendon, Steve Bartman.

Sounds familiar
*NBC and Bravo have announced plans for a new reality show "Queer Eye for The Straight Girl”. Don't we already have that? It's called the fashion industry.

It should work
*Al Gore met with the 9/11 commitee. There Gore outlined his plan to fight terrorism: Bore them to death.

*Congratulations to the first place Detroit Tigers. From worst to first. Or as it is otherwise known, a reverse Howard Dean.

*Greg Maddox continued his career long practice of destroying the Chicago Cubs. Unfortunately for Maddox and the Cubs, this time he did it as their Wrigley Field opening day starting pitcher.

See how we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

No luck
*President Bush had a tough Easter. He couldn't find any Easter eggs either.

*I had the worst dream. I dreamt that Rodney King drove me to the airport and Richard Simmons was there to check my bag.

Kinda like that
*You've heard of Ground Hog Day? In Los Angeles they have Road Hog Day. That's when Rodney King pops out and if the cops see his shadow, Rodney gets 120 days in jail and they get four more months of safe driving.

Oh for Cripes sake
*The FCC has officially gone too far. They insist that "The Passion of the Christ" title be changed to "The Passion of the Cripes."

Very rough
*"The Passion of the Christ" got an Easter weekend box office boost. If you haven't seen it, the punishment is pretty rough, especially that scene where they forced Jesus to watch "Gigli."

Now that is ugly
*Phil Mickelson won the coveted Masters green jacket, the ugliest garment in sports not to have been worn by Deion Sanders on "NFL Today."

The coveted Masters green jacket is the ugliest thing in sports since Lenny Dykstra.

Leap of faith
*Phil Mickelson won the Masters with a dramatic come-from-behind 18 foot birdie putt and possibly the whitest white man jump in the history of sports. You could measure the jump with a golf tee.

After his Masters celebration jump, we know why Phil picked golf over the high jump.

*Phil Mickelson won the Masters with possibly the most exciting back nine in Masters history. It included three eagles, two back-to-back holes-in-one and Michelson's five birdies. In fact, there was more cheering at the Masters than there was on the Los Angeles freeways after Rodney King was jailed.

*This Sunday's Masters was exciting: two holes in one, Phil Mickelson's come-from-behind 18th hole, 18 foot birdie for Phil's first major win. And, as if his worst ever, 22nd place Masters finish wasn't bad enough, afterwards, Tiger Woods was fired by Donald Trump.

*After his worst Masters finish, Tiger Woods enrolled for four days of Army basic training at Fort Bragg. That's a good idea. Tiger needs a break from golf and his Swedish bikini model to crawl in the mud under barbwire and scrub latrines. Is the man insane?

After one day Tiger will be chanting:

"I don't know what's wrong with my head/ I could be with a bikini model instead."