Can a brother get a minute to get his crazy on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Boozers and losers
*According to a new survey, 91% of Americans said they would not want to share a cocktail with a presidential candidate. Speaking of the candidates and drinking, did you hear what happened to John Kerry? He got drunk and woke up with a big head.

You know what Dennis Kucinich drinks? A real long shot.

Such a deal
*I'm very excited, my gas loan came through. And I got a great rate because I'm going to fill up the entire tank. Sort of a volume discount.

That explains it
*In his discussion with the 9/11 panel, President Clinton said he was always concerned about an attack. That's why he was always urging his interns to hide under the desk.

Official Cubs jargon
*Chicago Cubs pitching ace Mark Prior is out with a sore achilles tendon. Or as the Cubs call the achilles tendon, Steve Bartman.

Sounds familiar
*NBC and Bravo have announced plans for a new reality show "Queer Eye for The Straight Girl”. Don't we already have that? It's called the fashion industry.

It should work
*Al Gore met with the 9/11 commitee. There Gore outlined his plan to fight terrorism: Bore them to death.

Yeaaaahhhgh!
*Congratulations to the first place Detroit Tigers. From worst to first. Or as it is otherwise known, a reverse Howard Dean.

Oops
*Greg Maddox continued his career long practice of destroying the Chicago Cubs. Unfortunately for Maddox and the Cubs, this time he did it as their Wrigley Field opening day starting pitcher.