See how we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

No luck
*President Bush had a tough Easter. He couldn't find any Easter eggs either.

Nightmare
*I had the worst dream. I dreamt that Rodney King drove me to the airport and Richard Simmons was there to check my bag.

Kinda like that
*You've heard of Ground Hog Day? In Los Angeles they have Road Hog Day. That's when Rodney King pops out and if the cops see his shadow, Rodney gets 120 days in jail and they get four more months of safe driving.

Oh for Cripes sake
*The FCC has officially gone too far. They insist that "The Passion of the Christ" title be changed to "The Passion of the Cripes."

Very rough
*"The Passion of the Christ" got an Easter weekend box office boost. If you haven't seen it, the punishment is pretty rough, especially that scene where they forced Jesus to watch "Gigli."

Now that is ugly
*Phil Mickelson won the coveted Masters green jacket, the ugliest garment in sports not to have been worn by Deion Sanders on "NFL Today."

The coveted Masters green jacket is the ugliest thing in sports since Lenny Dykstra.

Leap of faith
*Phil Mickelson won the Masters with a dramatic come-from-behind 18 foot birdie putt and possibly the whitest white man jump in the history of sports. You could measure the jump with a golf tee.

After his Masters celebration jump, we know why Phil picked golf over the high jump.

*Phil Mickelson won the Masters with possibly the most exciting back nine in Masters history. It included three eagles, two back-to-back holes-in-one and Michelson's five birdies. In fact, there was more cheering at the Masters than there was on the Los Angeles freeways after Rodney King was jailed.

*This Sunday's Masters was exciting: two holes in one, Phil Mickelson's come-from-behind 18th hole, 18 foot birdie for Phil's first major win. And, as if his worst ever, 22nd place Masters finish wasn't bad enough, afterwards, Tiger Woods was fired by Donald Trump.

*After his worst Masters finish, Tiger Woods enrolled for four days of Army basic training at Fort Bragg. That's a good idea. Tiger needs a break from golf and his Swedish bikini model to crawl in the mud under barbwire and scrub latrines. Is the man insane?

After one day Tiger will be chanting:

"I don't know what's wrong with my head/ I could be with a bikini model instead."