Saturday, February 07, 2004

Let’s throw down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The gayer picker upper
Have you seen the new Brawny towel guy? They replaced the rugged lumberjack guy with, well, a prettier and more sensitive type of guy. In fact, they went so sensitive they might have to change the brand name from Brawny to Fabuloussssss.

I guess Brawny had to go with a gay man because they know no straight guy has ever cleaned up with a paper towel before.

When I looked at the new Bounty towel guy I could practically hear the Village People sing “YMCA.”

If the Brawny towel guy looked any gayer he'd be Cher

Do you believe?
Anyone see the movie “Miracle”? It turns out it’s about our Cinderella Gold medal hockey team. See, I thought “Miracle” was a documentary on what it would take for Howard Dean to win.

Happy Birthday to Ronald Reagan who is 93. 93, that means the Reagan has lived one year for every person who has voted for Dennis Kucinich.

Not right
*Janet Jackson has been excluded from the Grammys. That doesn’t seem fair. Just like it isn’t fair that Timberlake got farther with Jackson than I did on my first three high school girlfriends.

No news is not good news
*I don’t want to say that it is a slow news day, but I’d give anything if Justin Timberlake would rip something else off of Janet Jackson.

Not so bad
*Robert Blake has fired his third lawyer. Maybe Blake isn’t so crazy after all. Anyone who can’t stand lawyers can’t be all bad.

Long shot
*The movie “Miracle” is out about the gold medal 1980 US Olympic hockey team. Just to give you an idea of what a long-shot that team was, they had as much chance to win a medal, much less a gold, as Dennis Kucinich has to win Wisconsin.

A shocker
*38-year-old heavyweight boxing champion Lennox Lewis announced he is retiring from boxing. Wow, that’s young to announce the first of the usual six or seven boxing retirements.

So Beaner is out?
*According to Fox News, Latino’s find the term "illegal immigrant” highly offensive, equating it with a racial slur. So I guess they’d find “trespassing miscreant lawbreakers” really bad.

This explains it
*Central Intelligence Agency Director George Tenet spoke after doubts about pre-war intelligence came up. Turns out it was a horrible mistake. Instead of weapons of mass destruction, Tenet thought he heard them say weapons of bass detection. Yeah, fishing gear. Oops. His bad.

Good news
Dennis Kucinich vowed to stay in the presidential race. This is great news for his supporter.

Fun fact
This is interesting. I don’t know Dennis Kucinich’s heritage, but his name, Kucinich is an old Slavic word which means Snowball in hell.

Go crazy
Kucinich’s supporters were happy to hear he is staying in the race. In fact, they celebrated by getting an entire booth at TGI Fridays for happy hour.

T.A.I. Fridays
*The Muslim feast of Eid al-Adha was this week. You could tell by the crowds packing it in for happy hour at all the Thank Allah It’s Friday restaurants.

The Muslim feast of Eid al-Adha was this week. The special at all the Thank Allah It’s Friday was slaughtered lamb fajitas.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

Hit that thang and work it, work it, work it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Personally, I think the joint should be called Whackos
Michael and Janet’s father, Joe Jackson, opened his own restaurant in West Hollywood, Katherine’s. Janet couldn’t make the premier because she had nothing to wear.

Since when did that stop her?
Michael couldn’t make it. He had already eaten at a Chuckie Cheese.

Go away
A Tennessee woman has filed a class action lawsuit against Janet Jackson and everyone involved in the bare breast stunt claiming it caused “a serious injury.” Oh please, what did she do, bang her head on the TV trying to get a better look? Shut up.

Poor guy
*Can you believe the grocery store strike is still going on? To show you how bad it is, Michael Jackson now has to go to a Seven Eleven to get his Jesus juice.

What’s a girl gotta do?
*Following Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl breast stunt poor Christine Aguilera has to wonder what she has to do to stay the sluttiest singer.

Don’t worry, Christina Aguilera, Janet Jackson may have past you as the sluttiest singer, but, Christina, you’ll always be the skankiest.

So to speak
*The furor over the Super Bowl halftime stunt refuses to die down. Boy, this time Janet Jackson has really caught her tit in a singer, I mean ringer.

So that’s it

*Did you see the Super Bowl commercial where the guy accidentally uses a McDonalds wrapper as laundry freshener on his wife’s blouse and it acts like an aphrodisiac and he jumps her? When McDonald’s changed their motto to “I’m lovin’ it” I thought the it meant food.

Or not
*Britney Spears might become the next Bond girl. Bond girls are famous for their names, like Pussy Galore and Dr. Holly Goodhead. What’s Britney’s Bond-girl name? Drunky I-Do.

Justified fear
*CBS announced today they will be using a five second tape delay when they televise the Grammy’s next week. They are terrified American Idol’s Ruben will have a wardrobe malfunction.

Nice look
*Pakistani President Musharraf has pardoned a nuclear scientist for leaking secrets. What is the deal with that Musharraf guy’s hair? Is that a hat or did an otter land on his head? Forget who leaked the secrets, who leaked the ink on his head?

*What with all of the denials, retractions, and P.R.. spinning of Janet Jackson’s stunt, one thing has become very clear: Big shot singers think we are all a pack of mouth-breathing morons: “Duh, oh, it was a accident? OK. It sure were lucky she had on that purty, purty nipple shield.”

Since you asked:
This blog is kind of like a guy furiously picking his nose at a traffic light. It’s easy to forget others can see it.

I’ll be talking to one of my friends on the phone, and I will spring a joke on them, and they will say, “What are you, drunk? I read that on your web site.” And then I am busted; “Huh? Oh yeah, uh, I thought I just came up with that right now. Heh, heh.”

By the way, when I catch someone nose-mining at a light, I like to stare right at them. They first look at you with no awareness, then it suddenly hits them; “Hey, I’m picking my nose and he can see me.” Then they get a look of horror followed by a look of avoidance, like a dog relieving itself: “If I don’t see him, he can’t see me.”

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Don't be trippin' on us now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What a waste
*The horrible coincidence is that three erectile-dysfunction companies spent millions to advertise during the Super Bowl, and then, in one tear of Janet Jackson’s costume, not one guy in the country needed erectile-dysfunction medication that night.

Turn off the lights on your way out
I don’t want to say that Dennis Kucinich campaign isn’t going well, but today, not just a campaign worker quit, the campaign worker quit.

This is how bad Dennis Kucinich’s campaign is going. Today Kucinich asked Howard Dean for public speaking tips.

Yeah, that’s the ticket
*The Super Bowl halftime show has now affected the Kobe Bryant trial; Kobe’s defense team now contends that what happened in Kobe’s room was simply a wardrobe malfunction.

No way
*Bobby Knight was reprimanded for yelling at the Texas Tech Chancellor while at the salad bar at a nearby campus restaurant. I am shocked. That is hard to believe. Knight ate a salad?

In that orders
*The NFL Pro Bowl is Sunday in Honolulu. In terms of overall importance, the NFL Pro Bowl ranks slightly behind the WNBA All Star game and the Lingerie Bowl.

Evidence vanishes in the thin air
*During the Kobe Bryant trial, Bryant’s defense revealed many mistakes by the Eagle, Colorado Sheriff. Even the Boulder, Colorado police are laughing at the Eagle Sheriff.

What is with the police in Colorado? Apparently thin air and good police work don’t mix.

Who thought of this?*For Valentine’s Day, Sam Adams is coming out with a limited edition chocolate beer. This is for people who disagree with Dean Wormer of “Animal House” and truly believe that fat drunk and stupid is a good way to go through life.

Since you asked:

A few months back, “Time” magazine had a piece that described many rather unpleasant similarities between movie star iconoclasts Marlon Brando and Russell Crowe. Suffice it to say hygiene is nowhere near a priority with either and, at least in Brando’s case, his friends admit he, well, loudly emits bodily functions regardless of who is present.

Let’s review, shall we? Colin Ferrill is a short, drunk, foul-mouthed slob; Brad Pitt is famous for being severely deodorant adverse; psychologists are considering re-naming the Napoleonic complex after either Dustin Hoffman or Sylvester Stallone, and I don’t have to tell you about Nick Nolte’s mug shot.

And yet these movie stars have collectively been with countless of the world’s most beautiful women. It only goes to show, Slats and Nugs, that, at least as far as many gorgeous women are concerned, it’s not what’s on the outside of a person that counts, its what’s on the inside . . . of their freakin’ Malibu estate.

Not that I am bitter. No. Nah. Nope. Now excuse me, my sweet wife, Virginia, has asked me to clean up the yard after our two Labradors, Wrigley and Kasey. I’m living the dream, Slats and Nuggies, I’m living the dream.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Let’s give a shout-out to shout-outs, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Uh oh
*Bad news. Janet Jackson’s boob popped out, saw it’s shadow and we are in for six more weeks of winter.

*You know who got hosed? All those poor Schlubs who paid up for the “Lingerie Bowl” when they could have seen more flesh on Janet Jackson during the regular halftime show.

Coo coo
*Robert Blake emerged from court, borrowed a street musician’s guitar, sang “Over the Rainbow” and then danced a jig for the crowd and the press. Even Michael Jackson is saying; “That guy’s nuts.”

You go girl
Did you see Martha Stewart? Not to be outdone by Michael Jackson and Robert Blake, today, emerging from court, Martha had an aide rip her breast patch off her gladiator suit.

It just keeps getting nuttier
I can hardly wait to see what Phil Specter does when he walks out of court. He’s crazier then all of them.

Make him an offer
*The New England’s kicker, Adam Vanitieri kicked the winning field goal but missed an easy field goal and had one blocked, which would have covered the betting spread of six and a half points. Today Pete Rose put a contract out on Vanitieri’s head.

Whodda thunk?
*This year, celebrities Michael Jackson, Phil Specter, Martha Stewart, Robert Blake, Nick Nolte, Diana Ross and James Brown, just to name a few, have all been in trouble with the law. Who would have thought the best-behaved guy in Hollywood would be Robert Downey Jr.?

Oh, the humanity
*Rosie O’Donnell was in court to support Martha Stewart. How’d you like to see those two do battle over a business deal? That would be scarier than Godzilla versus Mothra.

Martha Stewart Live Wire
*It’s coming out in her trial that Martha saves a her soft, caring voice for the T.V. audience and talks “harsh and hurriedly” to people. Wouldn’t it be fun to see Martha do a cooking show using her real nasty personality?

“Get those macaroons out of the oven now or you will never cook again. Have you got that? Now, dammit, the macaroons! Move! Move! Move!”

Get over it
For those still upset about the Janet Jackson/ Justin Timberlake half-time show let’s put things in perspective. Twenty years ago we had to endure the sappy “Up With People.” I’ll take a boob shot over a bunch of boobs I want to shoot anytime.

Hissy fit over the, well, you know . . .
Everybody is still talking about Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl Boobie-gate. Today Arnold Schwarzenegger named Janet Jackson Lieutenant Governor of California.

Some say this was the biggest boob shot in sports since “The Best Damn Sports Show” featured Tom Arnold.

Monday, February 02, 2004

That’s what I’m talkin’ about, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

I had a dream
Help me out, I went to a wild Super Bowl party. Did I dream it, or did Annheiser- Busch really spend millions on a flatulent horse commercial? Is this a great country, or what?

Flash in the pan
*How about that Super Bowl? Thanks to Janet Jackson, that was the breast game I’ve seen in a while.

Apparently CBS stands for Catching Boob Shots.

Did you see the Super Bowl? I have four words: Thank you Justin Timberlake.

And to think I hated boy bands
*Justin Timberlake “accidentally” exposed Janet Jackson’s breast in front of about a billion people. Yeah, right, if that was an accident than Donald Trump’s hair is normal.

What gives?
Michael Jackson was shocked to see his sister’s breast during the Super Bowl. He immediately called up his plastic surgeon and complained; “Hey, those are nicer than mine.”

Michael Jackson was so shocked by seeing his sister’s breast he fell out of bed and knocked over some kid’s Jesus Juice.

The Super Bowl featured a streaker and Janet Jackson’s breast. I haven’t seen this many naked people since the Paris Hilton video.

Did you hear Beyounce Knowles sing the national anthem? It was so moving I tore off the breast from my gladiator suit.

Dah dah dee dah, dah dah dee
“Jeopardy!" host Alex Trebek escaped injury Friday when he fell asleep at the wheel of his pickup truck and it drifted off a road and crashed into a ditch, the California Highway Patrol said. I am shocked. Alex Trebek drives a pick-up truck?

Trebek drives a pick-up truck? I picture Trebek in a Jag-u-ar, not Jaguar, Jjjag-U-arrrrrr.

Why does that sound familiar?
Did you see the normally placid Carolina Panters coach John Fox try to rally his team at halftime? He grabbed a microphone and screamed;

“Now it’s on to Oregon , California and Washington D.C. Yeeeeaaagghhhh!”

Putting the Iron back in “Iron” Mike Ditka
Did you see the “Iron” Mike Ditka Levitra commercials during the Super Bowl? Levitra is the one that promises “High-quality erections.” Maybe I don’t understand this, but is there such a thing as a low-quality erection?

"Sorry honey, not tonight. No, I have an erection all right, I'm just not happy with the quality of it."