Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Don't be trippin' on us now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What a waste
*The horrible coincidence is that three erectile-dysfunction companies spent millions to advertise during the Super Bowl, and then, in one tear of Janet Jackson’s costume, not one guy in the country needed erectile-dysfunction medication that night.

Turn off the lights on your way out
I don’t want to say that Dennis Kucinich campaign isn’t going well, but today, not just a campaign worker quit, the campaign worker quit.

This is how bad Dennis Kucinich’s campaign is going. Today Kucinich asked Howard Dean for public speaking tips.

Yeah, that’s the ticket
*The Super Bowl halftime show has now affected the Kobe Bryant trial; Kobe’s defense team now contends that what happened in Kobe’s room was simply a wardrobe malfunction.

No way
*Bobby Knight was reprimanded for yelling at the Texas Tech Chancellor while at the salad bar at a nearby campus restaurant. I am shocked. That is hard to believe. Knight ate a salad?

In that orders
*The NFL Pro Bowl is Sunday in Honolulu. In terms of overall importance, the NFL Pro Bowl ranks slightly behind the WNBA All Star game and the Lingerie Bowl.

Evidence vanishes in the thin air
*During the Kobe Bryant trial, Bryant’s defense revealed many mistakes by the Eagle, Colorado Sheriff. Even the Boulder, Colorado police are laughing at the Eagle Sheriff.

What is with the police in Colorado? Apparently thin air and good police work don’t mix.

Who thought of this?*For Valentine’s Day, Sam Adams is coming out with a limited edition chocolate beer. This is for people who disagree with Dean Wormer of “Animal House” and truly believe that fat drunk and stupid is a good way to go through life.

Since you asked:

A few months back, “Time” magazine had a piece that described many rather unpleasant similarities between movie star iconoclasts Marlon Brando and Russell Crowe. Suffice it to say hygiene is nowhere near a priority with either and, at least in Brando’s case, his friends admit he, well, loudly emits bodily functions regardless of who is present.

Let’s review, shall we? Colin Ferrill is a short, drunk, foul-mouthed slob; Brad Pitt is famous for being severely deodorant adverse; psychologists are considering re-naming the Napoleonic complex after either Dustin Hoffman or Sylvester Stallone, and I don’t have to tell you about Nick Nolte’s mug shot.

And yet these movie stars have collectively been with countless of the world’s most beautiful women. It only goes to show, Slats and Nugs, that, at least as far as many gorgeous women are concerned, it’s not what’s on the outside of a person that counts, its what’s on the inside . . . of their freakin’ Malibu estate.

Not that I am bitter. No. Nah. Nope. Now excuse me, my sweet wife, Virginia, has asked me to clean up the yard after our two Labradors, Wrigley and Kasey. I’m living the dream, Slats and Nuggies, I’m living the dream.