Saturday, November 01, 2003

Yah gotta love Shaq, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Shaquille O’Neal announced that his spat with Kobe Bryant is over. Can you imagine what a relief it must have been for the people of Southern California to hear that? Now they can go back to raking the ashes of their former homes with peace of mind. Thank you, Kobe. Thank you, Shaq.

This kind of statement makes me long for the time of Shaq’s press boycott. All twenty-five minutes of it. Apparently Shaq’s promised permanent press boycott is over. At least the press thinks it is, as Shaq pointed out, the press isn’t smart enough to figure out the wily ways of a mind as sharp as Shaq’s.

Now that his spat with Kobe and the press are over, Shaq can get back to doing what he does best: Eating portions of food the size of two Labrador retrievers.

Hey, did you hear Shaq was on Jenny Craig? But don’t worry, they were able to pull Jenny out before any of her bones were crushed. (Badaboom) I’ll be here all week, try the veal. . . before Shaq eats it all. (Oww, the scorcher, I kill me)

Why the Shaq attack? It just seems that, at this time of California’s worst tragedy, it is even more ludicrous and inappropriate how a big, spoiled, egomaniacal galoot, like Shaq, can so wildly over-estimate the import his thoughts and actions have on the rest of us.

With apologies to Sam Malone’s character from “Cheers,” did you hear they named a tropical island NBA in honor of pro basketball players? But in this case, the NBA stands for No Brains Atoll.

Now that the brushfires are yielding, the press is focusing on citing blame. And here is the wild part, so far, although they are not sure how, all the fault seems to somehow point at either Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis or the BCS. Weird, huh?

Friday, October 31, 2003

Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘about, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy Halloween. I saw what I thought was the scariest costume. One woman had this gaunt, frightening skeleton-like mask. Turns out it was Arnold’s wife, Maria Shriver.

Tough choice
This Halloween my wife can’t decide if she wants to either put on a lot of makeup and go as Liza Minelli or put on even more makeup and go as David Gest.

Liza Minelli denies that she ever hit David Gest. It’s not that she didn’t want to smack him, it’s just that she didn’t want to get all that makeup on her hand.

It isn’t silly at alllllllll
Paul McCartney and Heather Mills had a baby girl. He’s 61, she’s 35. There is going to be a lot of waking up in the middle of the night and crying for quite a while. But once Heather gets used to the fact that the father of her child is an old man, she should be OK.

It’s good that Paul McCartney had the baby when he was 61. This way, when the kid grows up, hopefully everyone will have long forgotten about Paul’s “Silly Love Songs.”

Queen of Ice
This Rosie O’Donnell “Rosie” magazine trial is getting weird. One of the facts that came out is that Rosie was strongly influenced by Boy George. And why not? If you can’t get good advice from a cross-dressing former heroin addict, who can you get good advise from?

Identity theft
One day the Lakers’ Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant are snipping at each other through the press, the next day they are seen smiling and laughing together. Who do these two think they are, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez?

Choo choo go boom boom
There are three famous sports celebrities who are reportedly behaving wildly out of control. Some sports insiders are betting on whose train is going to wreck first, former British Open golf champ John Daly, former basketball star Dennis Rodman or former sane human being Mike Tyson.

Just desserts
A known sexual predator in South Philadelphia was chased down and beaten by the Catholic schoolgirls he exposed himself to. You know that guy is going to have a rough time in jail;

“So what did you do and who beat you up?”

Thursday, October 30, 2003

If I’m not mistaken, we slammin’ mo’ bettah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That time of year
Here in California we can tell that Halloween is just around the corner. Today Arnold Schwarzenegger groped a pumpkin.

It’s a start
We are still trying to adjust here in California due to all the fires. Today in Sacramento they officially changed the state motto from “Eureka” to “Extra Crispy Style.”

Saddam Willard
*They are declaring war on the rats in New York City. It’s going pretty good. Today they tore down that big rat statue in Central Park.

The war on New York rats is going pretty good, but they still can’t find their weapons of mass destruction.

I think it’s called Operation Rodent Freedom

Where was the tiger?
*Scary incident on an American airlines flight. An alligator got loose in the baggage compartment of the plane. Yeah, it nearly scared that guy in the crate to death.

With a Z
*Did you hear who is on the under card at the boxing matches at Madison Square Garden? Ike Turner and Liza Minelli. My money’s on Liza.

Liza Minnelli and her husband David Gest are getting a divorce. David says that Liza beat him while they were married. So that explains why he wore all that cadaver makeup; he was covering up his black eyes.

Rumor has it that Liza is seeing another man. David is very jealous. And why wouldn’t he be? He dated the guy for years.

It up and good
*A medical group in Colorado is offering a new idea; a beer for blood program. You donate a pint of blood, you get a pint of beer. Unless you are Oakland Raiders field goal kicker Sebastian Janikowski, a pint of his blood is a pint of beer.
I decided to flex my advertising chops, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Real Men of Genius salutes you, Mister Flamboyantly Gay Waiter

Mister Flamboyantly Gay Waiter

Not many people could have a minimum wage salary and still cop your attitude

Coppin’ that snotty ‘tude

Just how, exactly, did you manage to work so many S sounds in the words Pesto Sauce?

Say it don’t spray it

And that thing on your face you call a goatee, well, even Seigfreid and Roy would rather get eaten by a tiger than call that a beard.

But it’s soooo neat and trim

But what really separates you from the rest is how you can take one really awful Haiku reading in front of three coffee house stoners, and label yourself an artiste.

Could you be any more pretentious?

Here’s to you Mister Flamboyantly Gay Waiter. Yes, you put the head in headwaiter. And whatever you do, do not touch our food.

Mister Flamboyantly Gay Waiter

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

This right here is how we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The silver lining is that this fire disaster has spawned a new sense camaraderie and cooperation among Californians. Why, today in San Diego, there were three separate substantiated reports of soccer moms in luxury SUV’s actually taking their turn at a four-way stop sign. Isn’t that amazing?

Don’t ya’ do me like that now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hip hop rip off
Rapper Nellie had one million dollars worth of jewelry stolen from his Las Vegas Hotel room while he performed for the Radio Music Awards. That’s odd, how do you suppose the thieves knew a Rapper might have jewelry?

They think the theft was part of a planned con. In other words, his bling bling was taken in a sting sting.

What we do best
These Southern California fires have been a nightmare. We can only hope that, by the end of the week, California can get back to normal: providing illegal aliens their drivers licenses.

And Arizona means heartless
Because admission was free, the 73,000 fans who filled Tempe’s Sun Devil Stadium for Monday night's Dolphins-Chargers game were specifically asked to donate to wildfire relief in Southern California. The average donation was $2.74. Apparently Tempe is Spanish for tightwad.

LeBron James makes his NBA debut in Sacramento tonight. It is kind of cute to see how naïve LeBron is. When he checked into his hotel, a groupie offered LeBron a hummer, and he said; “No thanks, my Mom already gave me that car.”

One thing then another
The headline reads; “Kobe’s hearing delayed.” Great, first his knee, now there’s something wrong with his ears.

Le Buff
General Motors Corp. has scrapped plans to replace the Buick Regal with the Buick LaCrosse in Canada because in the French-speaking province of Quebec ''lacrosse'' means to masturbate. In addition, the Chevy Malibu will not be changed to the Chevy Chicken-choke.

Neener neener
The Los Angeles Lakers Kobe Bryant didn’t show for their game until the third quarter and sat on the bench in street clothes as Shaquille O’Neal ignored him the entire time. In addition, Kobe announced he is going to have a sleep-over and invite; “everyone in the world except Shaq.”

Kobe and Shaq had better cool it because they are coming dangerously close to being put in a time out.

About two-thousand Southern California homes are now smoldering ashes on the muddy ground and I have to read that spoiled grillionaires Shaq and Kobe are embroiled in another brat-athon?

To paraphrase Robert DeNiro’s character in “Midnight Run” I got two words for Kobe and Shaq; “Shut the hell up.”

NBA stands for Nothing But Airheads
Before the Los Angeles Clippers left for the season-opening game in Tokyo, forward Bobby Simmons said his one misgiving about the Tokyo trip: "I don't like Chinese food." Simmons prefers Continental cuisine from the country of Continen.

You can’t blame him for being confused, both Chinese food and Japanese food use those Chap Stick thingies.

Vanity, thy name is Sting
Sting is making the talk show rounds promoting his memoirs, “Broken Music.” The book covers how Sting discovered music, his band “The Police” and more importantly, it describes the exact moment that Sting fell hopelessly and forever in love with Sting.

I don’t want to imply that he is a little self-absorbed, but Sting thinks the Holy Trinity is Me, Myself and I.

The book details the precise second that Sting passed Barbra Striesand to became the single most insufferable human being on the entire planet.

Sting wrote a memoir. It wasn’t easy. Sting actually had to take time out from thinking about himself to writing about himself. It wasn’t an easy transition.

I actually picked up Sting's memoir, "Broken Music." Chapter ten is titled; "But enough about me, what do you think about me?"

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Conflagration consternation is what it is, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How smoky is it?
*It is so smoky in L.A., Jennifer Lopez is having a hard time keeping on eye on Ben Affleck.

There is so much smoke in Los Angeles, Anna Nicole Smith is reportedly dizzy and acting strangely. No, wait, that’s how she always is. Never mind.

Trick or, wha’ the . . .?
*I had a horrible Halloween experience. I was all dressed up for a party in a really scary costume then the Queer-eye guys jumped me and made me over.

Can you imagine?
*They know the guy who started the biggest fire in San Diego. He was a lost hunter who set a fire so they could find him. Here is the guy’s picture: (Cubs fan Steve Bartman)

Gov. Insta Snooze
*Thank goodness Governor Gray Davis spoke to the media yesterday at Two O’clock. I needed an afternoon nap. His voice was like a shot of sodium pentathol. I was out. That man is a living insomnia cure.

Let’s get our priorities straight
*San Diego congressman Duncan Hunter claims Gray Davis delayed emergency military action that could have saved many San Diego homes, including his own. But who can blame Davis? This is California, we can’t waste any time on emergency fire relief, we need to get those illegal aliens their drivers licenses stat!

Shaq attack
*The Los Angeles Lakers season starts with a huge hissy fit between Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O’Neal. In fact, Shaq is so mad at Kobe, Kobe may have to buy Shaq a four million dollar diamond ring just to calm him down.

The Kobe/Shaq spat has turned toxic. During practice Shaq yelled to Kobe, “Remember, in prison you can’t order room service.”

The Los Angeles Lakers’ season is starting with an ugly fight between Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O’Neal. How ugly? The Kobe/Shaq spat makes the Liza Minelli/David Gest tussle look like a tickle fight.

Since you asked

Right now it is about two O’clock, and it is darker than just past sunset. It is like the Midwest just before a huge midday storm. It is too smoky to go outside. Our dogs have been in all day, and I am proud to report Wrigley has not destroyed anything yet. Of course, I have been up in my office typing this for a couple of minutes, so he may have just eaten our new easy chair. Our other lab, Kasey, is a rock.

Supposedly the fires are more under control and the increased smoke is due to all the backlighting of the fires. But man, oh man, it is creepy. This has gone from feeling like it is a serious brushfire to now an all out war. It is an all out war against these walls of fire.

Our five-year-old seems to be taking things in stride. My wife, Virginia, verges on hysterical from time to time, but other than that . . .

Monday, October 27, 2003

We got some serious smoke and fire around here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Rest assured
We know that a lot of people around the country are concerned due to the horrible Southern California wildfires. We just want to assure you, we are pretty sure Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are fine.

That makes sense
The fires in Southern California are out of control. In keeping with his past track record, Governor Gray Davis has ordered thousands of gallons of gasoline sent to the scene.

Not there yet
Poor Arnold. He’s trying, but I am not sure he gets it yet. Today Governor-to-be Schwarzenegger flew to the scene of the brush fires and ran around yelling: “Cut! Cut! Tell the special effects guys to cut the fire!”

Here’s the good news
The one bright spot is that it is so smoky in San Diego they can’t smell how much the Chargers stink.

Note of interest
It’s that time of season, productions of “The Nutcracker” are popping up all over. Incidentally, “The Nutcracker” is a ballet; it is not the Hillary Clinton biography.

And the author of “A Little Bit Bad”
These airport security guards are cracking down on anyone who makes a joke about security. If you are going through the security check, you cannot make any kind of a joke. So, basically, comedian Tom Green and the writers of “Friends” never have anything to worry about.

What more proof, besides Madonna’s career, do you need?
The Florida Marlins have won two World Series in their mere ten years of existence. To which Chicago Cubs and Boston Red Sox fans point to as absolute proof there is no such thing as divine intervention.

Good losers
After the New York Yankees crushing loss to the Florida Marlins in the World Series, sympathetic Chicago Cubs fans offered three words of condolence to Yankee fans: “Neener neener neeeeener.”

When the director yells cut, Whitney thinks he means chop-up the cocaine
*Whitney Houston and husband Bobby Brown have announced that they will release a full-length feature film together. I think it’s called “Dude, Where’s My Lawyer?”

Since you asked:
It is apocalyptic around here. We are safe for now, but I am getting reports of two friends whose houses were leveled. About twenty groups of our friends were evacuated last night, but I here they are fine. Mostly folks in Poway, which is ten miles west and five miles south. One close friend knows that three of his neighbors lost their houses. They haven't been allowed back in to check, but their phone machine still works, so that's good news.

Scripps Ranch, which is a very nice upscale bedroom community ten miles due east of here, was mostly leveled. 150 homes destroyed. The aerial photos show it's a charred chimney graveyard.

It is so smokey you can't go outside without coughing. The streets and parked cars are lightly to moderately dusted in ash. And here is the good news. NO FRICKIN' AIR TANKERS CAME ONCE.

The air tankers were already engaged in L.A. and San Birdooo-way. (San Bernadino) And get this: A lot of the air water tanker planes were taken down for the year for their annual maintenance. Some genius decided the fire season was over.

Sunday morning my biggest concern was if the Ocean was too cold for an after-run swim.

Sunday afternoon my concern was for the safety of my evacuated East County friends.

Sunday night I was worried we would have to evacuate.

Not that we are in immediate harms way, but with these hot, dry Santa Ana Diablo winds and the tinder-box-like dry brush, literally nobody is safe.

Any folks outside California, keep this in mind the next time it snows or rains for a month straight.

We had our adopted family in town from Chicago for a wedding. You know the old joke-toast, "I would rather be with you people than the best people in the world?" Well, this family might actually be the best people in the world.

All weekend long, we had a blast and all they could talk about was how great it is to live here in San Diego. By Monday, they were desperately trying to get the hell out.

Suddenly some poor schmuck fouling up a foul ball doesn't seem like such a big deal.

A big differance
After their second straight World Series loss, Yankee owner, George Steinbrenner, is rumored to be on a rampage. Yankee insiders say that, right now, the only difference between Saddam Hussein and Steinbrenner is that there might be some people, somewhere, who actually like Saddam.