Conflagration consternation is what it is, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How smoky is it?
*It is so smoky in L.A., Jennifer Lopez is having a hard time keeping on eye on Ben Affleck.

There is so much smoke in Los Angeles, Anna Nicole Smith is reportedly dizzy and acting strangely. No, wait, that’s how she always is. Never mind.

Trick or, wha’ the . . .?
*I had a horrible Halloween experience. I was all dressed up for a party in a really scary costume then the Queer-eye guys jumped me and made me over.

Can you imagine?
*They know the guy who started the biggest fire in San Diego. He was a lost hunter who set a fire so they could find him. Here is the guy’s picture: (Cubs fan Steve Bartman)

Gov. Insta Snooze
*Thank goodness Governor Gray Davis spoke to the media yesterday at Two O’clock. I needed an afternoon nap. His voice was like a shot of sodium pentathol. I was out. That man is a living insomnia cure.

Let’s get our priorities straight
*San Diego congressman Duncan Hunter claims Gray Davis delayed emergency military action that could have saved many San Diego homes, including his own. But who can blame Davis? This is California, we can’t waste any time on emergency fire relief, we need to get those illegal aliens their drivers licenses stat!

Shaq attack
*The Los Angeles Lakers season starts with a huge hissy fit between Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O’Neal. In fact, Shaq is so mad at Kobe, Kobe may have to buy Shaq a four million dollar diamond ring just to calm him down.

The Kobe/Shaq spat has turned toxic. During practice Shaq yelled to Kobe, “Remember, in prison you can’t order room service.”

The Los Angeles Lakers’ season is starting with an ugly fight between Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O’Neal. How ugly? The Kobe/Shaq spat makes the Liza Minelli/David Gest tussle look like a tickle fight.

Since you asked

Right now it is about two O’clock, and it is darker than just past sunset. It is like the Midwest just before a huge midday storm. It is too smoky to go outside. Our dogs have been in all day, and I am proud to report Wrigley has not destroyed anything yet. Of course, I have been up in my office typing this for a couple of minutes, so he may have just eaten our new easy chair. Our other lab, Kasey, is a rock.

Supposedly the fires are more under control and the increased smoke is due to all the backlighting of the fires. But man, oh man, it is creepy. This has gone from feeling like it is a serious brushfire to now an all out war. It is an all out war against these walls of fire.

Our five-year-old seems to be taking things in stride. My wife, Virginia, verges on hysterical from time to time, but other than that . . .