Wednesday, October 29, 2003

This right here is how we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The silver lining is that this fire disaster has spawned a new sense camaraderie and cooperation among Californians. Why, today in San Diego, there were three separate substantiated reports of soccer moms in luxury SUV’s actually taking their turn at a four-way stop sign. Isn’t that amazing?

Don’t ya’ do me like that now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hip hop rip off
Rapper Nellie had one million dollars worth of jewelry stolen from his Las Vegas Hotel room while he performed for the Radio Music Awards. That’s odd, how do you suppose the thieves knew a Rapper might have jewelry?

They think the theft was part of a planned con. In other words, his bling bling was taken in a sting sting.

What we do best
These Southern California fires have been a nightmare. We can only hope that, by the end of the week, California can get back to normal: providing illegal aliens their drivers licenses.

And Arizona means heartless
Because admission was free, the 73,000 fans who filled Tempe’s Sun Devil Stadium for Monday night's Dolphins-Chargers game were specifically asked to donate to wildfire relief in Southern California. The average donation was $2.74. Apparently Tempe is Spanish for tightwad.

LeBron James makes his NBA debut in Sacramento tonight. It is kind of cute to see how naïve LeBron is. When he checked into his hotel, a groupie offered LeBron a hummer, and he said; “No thanks, my Mom already gave me that car.”

One thing then another
The headline reads; “Kobe’s hearing delayed.” Great, first his knee, now there’s something wrong with his ears.

Le Buff
General Motors Corp. has scrapped plans to replace the Buick Regal with the Buick LaCrosse in Canada because in the French-speaking province of Quebec ''lacrosse'' means to masturbate. In addition, the Chevy Malibu will not be changed to the Chevy Chicken-choke.

Neener neener
The Los Angeles Lakers Kobe Bryant didn’t show for their game until the third quarter and sat on the bench in street clothes as Shaquille O’Neal ignored him the entire time. In addition, Kobe announced he is going to have a sleep-over and invite; “everyone in the world except Shaq.”

Kobe and Shaq had better cool it because they are coming dangerously close to being put in a time out.

About two-thousand Southern California homes are now smoldering ashes on the muddy ground and I have to read that spoiled grillionaires Shaq and Kobe are embroiled in another brat-athon?

To paraphrase Robert DeNiro’s character in “Midnight Run” I got two words for Kobe and Shaq; “Shut the hell up.”

NBA stands for Nothing But Airheads
Before the Los Angeles Clippers left for the season-opening game in Tokyo, forward Bobby Simmons said his one misgiving about the Tokyo trip: "I don't like Chinese food." Simmons prefers Continental cuisine from the country of Continen.

You can’t blame him for being confused, both Chinese food and Japanese food use those Chap Stick thingies.

Vanity, thy name is Sting
Sting is making the talk show rounds promoting his memoirs, “Broken Music.” The book covers how Sting discovered music, his band “The Police” and more importantly, it describes the exact moment that Sting fell hopelessly and forever in love with Sting.

I don’t want to imply that he is a little self-absorbed, but Sting thinks the Holy Trinity is Me, Myself and I.

The book details the precise second that Sting passed Barbra Striesand to became the single most insufferable human being on the entire planet.

Sting wrote a memoir. It wasn’t easy. Sting actually had to take time out from thinking about himself to writing about himself. It wasn’t an easy transition.

I actually picked up Sting's memoir, "Broken Music." Chapter ten is titled; "But enough about me, what do you think about me?"