Friday, October 10, 2003

Why they got to be all up in our faces, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Since you asked bonus round:

No kidding, Slats and Nuggies, I am turning into a world-class hypochondriac. So far I’ve just kept it to myself, but an incident occurred yesterday that “outed” my hyponess.

Yesterday late afternoon, I walk into a bar to meet a friend and I suddenly had the worst feeling. I started to get dizzy and sensed it was getting darker.

“Oh my word, it’s a stroke, I read about this, that or it’s a tumor pressing on my optic nerve. No, it’s glaucoma. That has to be it.”

“Yeah,” my buddy said, notably unimpressed, “that or you could take off your sunglasses.”

Remember, nobody likes an unsympathetic wise-ass, Slats and Nuggies.
Throw down and rub some funk on it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The beef against Kobe

Lurid details have emerged at the preliminary Kobe Bryant hearing. Not to put too fine a point on it, but apparently Kobe thinks foreplay is when you can’t find a fifth player for pickup basketball.

Not to go into too much detail about the sexual allegations, but according to the testimony, Kobe has had dunks that took longer.

Let’s just say Kobe thinks the three-second violation extends to the bedroom.

Apparently the woman acknowledged flirting with Kobe, but she didn’t want him to make a pass. To which Kobe asked, “What’s a pass?”

Luke, you are my son, Luke
*The “evil empire” New York Yankees defeated the Boston Red Sox 6-2 in game two to tie the series. Yankee owner George Steinbrenner said he resents the nickname evil empire and to emphasize his point, he lopped off the head of a reporter with his light saber.

Nice kitty
Controversy at the annual cat show at Madison Square Garden in New York. Turns out they caught Siegfreid, of Seigfreid and Roy, backstage tying to sell his white tiger by passing it off as Persian with a glandular problem.

That’s a lot
The Porn actress, Mary Carey, got 10,000 votes in the California recall election. When you count her porno co-stars, that is 20,000 people who have punched Mary’s ballot, so to speak.

Whole lotta Love
*Courtney Love appears in an L.A. court tonight on drug charges. At her appearance, the judge will also ask Courtney to defend her statement that quarterback Donovan McNabb is overrated because he is black.

Thanks for volunteering girls, and remember, blow is just a figure of speech

Supposedly there is a fake medical study from North Carolina State University that claims that women who perform oral sex for men on a regular basis have a far less chance of getting breast cancer. Can you imagine if Arnold gets a hold of this information?

“Vell if you von’t let me cure of you breast cancer, let me at least give you a booby, err, breast exam.”

If it was true, this would have been one study they didn’t have a problem getting guys to commit to.

In a related story, male applications to North Carolina State University have increased exponentially.

If this was true than Bill Clinton would have saved more lives than Jonah Salk

Whither Gray?

Some people are wondering, now that he is out of office, what will become of Gray Davis? It seems pretty obvious to me; Gray is going to parlay his looks and personality and become a Hip Hop star.

Heeeeere's Jose

Due to the Tonight show’s involvement with Arnold’s campaign, it’s a good thing for “The Tonight Show” that Arnold won. Gray Davis was about to introduce legislation that would have made it mandatory for all illegal aliens to appear on the show.

Since you asked;
Everyone in California got something nasty on them after this recall farce, thanks to good ol’ Gray “It’s my name and my personality” Davis.

How out-of-touch could Davis be? Like millions of other Californians, I was ready to vote no on the recall simply because it was too expensive, a nationwide embarrassment and a bad precedent to set. With the sense of entitlement at dangerously high levels these days, what is it saying when we say, “I don’t care if he won the election, I want him out”? Besides, I don’t care what their politics are, actors are not anywhere near qualified to do anything but play pretend.

So there I was all ready to vote no on the recall, and what does Gray Davis do? He passes the one piece of legislation guaranteed to anger all taxpayers: Driver licenses to illegal aliens. What a moron. We had no choice but to vote him out.

For decades, California government workers –from Governor and the legislature down to the low-level-evil-sadists at the county clerk’s office - have been laboring under the misconception that the object is to screw the taxpayers in blind support of the disenfranchised (see: illegal aliens). If California government workers were in charge of Costco, they would shut down the cash registers to better serve the Homer Simpson-clones fighting over the free cocktail weenies.

Well, guess what, California government working folks, you were wrong, and the results are beginning to speak for themselves.

Thursday, October 09, 2003

We all up on outta this here beeeeyaaatch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How far did it fly?
*The Chicago Cubs beat the Florida Marlins 12-3. How about that Sammy Sosa home run? I have been on flights that served a meal that didn’t fly that far.

What a weasel
Did you see that first row fan blow that easy Cubs out by interfering with the Chicago Cubs catcher Paul Bako? After the series of violent drunken fan-related on-field incidents, in that instance, the coach should be allowed to charge the stands and beat up the fan.

Did you hear what the fans chanted at the idiot who blew that out? Maybe I didn’t hear it right, but why were they calling him ash old?

Alcohol abuse
Did you see that left field fan throw a beer at Florida Marlins outfielder Jeff Conine? The fan was justifiably tossed out. Not for throwing it at Conine, but for wasting an entire beer. If it had been a coke, he could have stayed.

Good question
The state of Florida consists entirely of Boston, Chicago and New York retirees. Who is pulling for the Florida Marlins? Exactly seven people: Six busboys who restock the buffet at the early bird special and a shuffleboard coach.

The Chicago Cubs travel to Florida for two games. It is hard for me to picture the Cubs in Florida: Sammy Sosa in a ratty bathrobe slumped in an easy chair dozing to “Matlock” while Kerry Wood and Mark Prior play cribbage wearing pork pie hats, Bermuda shorts and black socks. Can’t see it.

Not the Gropinator
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s first move as governor? Officially changing the title of Governor to The Governator.

Poor Gray
The question is, what is Gray Davis going to do now that he is out as governor? My guess is he will take that dynamic personality and start a career as a motivational speaker.

The question is, what is Gray Davis going to do now that he is out as governor? My guess? He should release his speeches on a CD and market it as an insomnia cure.

Double Jeopardy
The Columbus Blue Jackets opened the season at the Atlanta Thrashers. “I’ll take two National Hockey League teams I’ve never heard of for 100, Alex.”

Not me
Roy Horn of Seigfreid and Roy is reportedly doing better. Did you hear what Roy first said after the attack? “Don’t kill the tiger.” My first words would have been; “Make him into a rug.”

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Yeah, we got some Puerto Rican girls that’s just dyin’ to meet-chu’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Asta La Vista Gray-D
*It’s official. We now have the Governator. They are starting to call Arnold Schwarzenegger Grecian Formula: he gets the Gray out.

*Arnold Schwarzenegger has been elected governor of California. You realize what this means? Now that Jesse Ventura and Arnold have been elected, we need to campaign for Carl Weathers so every single star of “Predator” can be a governor at least once. It’s only fair.

They are bears, you frickin’ idiot
*A self-proclaimed bear expert was found fatally mauled by a bear in Alaska. He was there to research his next book: “How To Tickle-Fight With a Bear.”

Domestic violence bad, shooting good
*The wife of Maryland Gov. Robert Ehrlich. Kendel Ehrlich, speaking at a domestic violence conference, said she would shoot Britney Spears if she had the chance. That is just wrong. She should shoot Celine Dion first.

Friendly confines just got a little surlier
*Despite a two-out ninth inning game-tying Sammy Sosa home run, the Chicago Cubs lost to the Florida Marlins 9-8 in eleven innings. Cubs fans are taking it in stride, when asked to comment, one said; “It’s just the first of seven games and our hitters got hot so I feel . . . OH MY GOD, WE LOST THE FIRST GAME AT HOME, IF WE DON’T WIN I’M GONNA …oh, sorry about your tie.”

Yankee Doodle Dunderhead
*The New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner released a weird, convoluted statement to the New York media Monday. How weird? The only two people who understood it were Ozzie Osbourne and Rush Limbaugh.

The old twenty was just so macho- butch
*Have you seen the new twenty-dollar bill? Even the “Queer Eye for the Straight Guys” think it’s a little campy.

Who designed this thing, Richard Simmons?

Have you seen the new twenty-dollar bill? I had no idea Andrew Jackson was gay. Come to think of it, he did go by the name Andrew . . .

Some say the new twenty-dollar bill is a little too flamboyant. In fact, if you look closely, you can see that they replaced the picture of Andrew Jackson with Bette Midler.

Since you asked;

Due to the recent mauling by tigers to Seigfried and Roy’s Roy, an apartment dwelling tiger owner in the Bronx, as well as a fatal bear-mauling of a “bear expert” in Alaska, I have just completed a book: “How to stay safe with wild animals.”

Chapter One: What part of wild don’t you understand, you moron? You want a pet? Get a goldfish, loser.

The End.

P.S. Go Cubs.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

Oh, it is so on now it is unbelievable, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What a Rush, Republican Dude
Did you hear about all of the drugs Rush Limbaugh reportedly has been using? Vicodin, Oxytocin and opium derivatives like Lorcet, hydrocodone. Now we know what put the Rush in Rush Limbaugh.

Reality Felony
Plans are under way at MTV to film a reality show in jail about what life is like to the average felon. I think it’s called “The Bobby Brown Show.”

Let’s get this straight
The Chicago Cubs simply must not lose to the Florida Marlins. First of all, Florida is not a city, and a Marlin is not a team. A Marlin is what hangs over the bar where you drink beer and watch a real team.

No surprise here
The Boston Red Sox defeated the Oakland Athletics 4-3 to win the five game series. This just in: California has voted to recall the Red Sox.

Insult to injury
Did you hear about the guy in New York who got mauled by his in-his-apartment tiger? If that wasn’t bad enough, he was also arrested for imitating Seigfried and Roy.

What are the odds?
Isn’t it an amazing coincidence? Just one day before the election and, suddenly, Gray Davis has become a wildly passionate defender of sexually harassed women. How do you suppose that happened?

You snooze, you lose, loser
For those of you who turned off the Tampa Bay blow-out of Indianapolis. Oops. The Colts won 38-35 in an amazingly exciting overtime. And I’m not saying that just because Colts receiver Marvin Harrison scored 28 points for my winning Fantasy Football team. And no, I am not a nerd. Now excuse me, I have to go clean snake and ferret cages or Mommy will kill me.

Word to the wise
Now that Chicago Cubs fans are celebrating over their Cubs advancing in the playoffs, I want to give a little friendly advice. Cubs fans, have a good time, but if you have been drinking and you start to sound like the late great Cubs announcer Harry Carey? It’s time to stop drinking.

Or, if you start to sound like Ozzie Osbourne singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” at Wrigley Field, it’s time to get some professional help.

Monday, October 06, 2003

Come on, Torn Slatterns, knock us Nugget Ranchers a kiss

Schwarzenegger is German for “Swing that money maker over here.”
Poor Maria Shriver, apparently she is the only woman Arnold hasn’t groped.

A coalition of women's groups met at the Feminist Majority offices in Beverly Hills to unveil an anti-Schwarzenegger ad campaign featuring yet another woman Arnold allegedly groped. And you thought Arnold just groped for words.

A coalition of women's groups met at the Feminist Majority offices in Beverly Hills to unveil an anti-Schwarzenegger ad campaign. The Feminist Majority offices in Beverly Hills? I’m guessing that’s probably not the best place to get together with the boys to watch a game.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is starting to get depressed about all this bad publicity. Today Arnold didn’t even feel like groping himself.

Call Acme
Did you see the Kansas City Chief’s Dante Hall run kickoffs against the Denver Broncos? The only thing that was missing was Hall Beep-Beeping before his Road Runner routine.

Cubs win
Thank goodness the Chicago Cubs beat the Atlanta Braves; it would have been bad enough to lose, but it would have been even worse to lose to team with a guy called Chipper.

Is it just me, or does the Chicago Cubs goatee’d pitcher Matt Clements look like the result of an unholy union of Abraham Lincoln and the Keebler Elf?

If the Cubs go to the World Series, James Earl Jones will play Dusty Baker in the movie.

Did you catch this?
During the playoff games, a commercial for U.P.S. ran often that stated; “Life got simple the day I plugged into the big brown machine.” Isn’t that the motto of; “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?”

For Chicago Cubs fans, today is the morning after they lost their virginity. Stop lights are still red, the sky is still blue and you still have go to work or school, but somehow nothing is quite the same and everything seems a little bit better and brighter.

Rough time
It was a rough day for Rush Limbaugh. First he resigned from ESPN over racial comments about Q.B. Donovan McNabb, and Florida is investigating Limbaugh for abusing prescription drugs. And today, Rush was attacked by a tiger.

Sadly, in the Women’s World Cup soccer tournament, the U.S. lost to Germany. Incidentally, the phrase the U.S. lost to Germany happens to be the least written one in history.

Elena Slough 115, documented as the nation's oldest person, died Sunday. The oldest man and women in the world just died in Japan, and now the oldest woman in the US. What’s going on here? What is with all of these oldest people dying off? I smell a conspiracy.

Dr. “Got my” Phil “of him”
The experts say there is nothing new in Dr. Phil’s diet book. In fact, the only thing Dr. Phil’s book does to help people lose weight is that the money they spend on the book, they can’t spend on food.

Cubs on first
The Chicago Cubs head into the playoffs with the two best pitchers, Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. Too bad they also don’t have a pitcher named Latter, it could be a new “Who’s on First?” routine:

“Who would be the first pitcher, Prior, Wood or Latter?”

“Prior would”

“So Wood’s latter?”

“Prior to Latter”

“Latter to who?”

“Prior ”

“Prior to who? The latter”

“Latter would”

“Who would? Latter, Wood? I thought Wood was prior to Latter?”

“No Latter would, he is prior but latter to Prior.”