Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Yeah, we got some Puerto Rican girls that’s just dyin’ to meet-chu’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Asta La Vista Gray-D
*It’s official. We now have the Governator. They are starting to call Arnold Schwarzenegger Grecian Formula: he gets the Gray out.

*Arnold Schwarzenegger has been elected governor of California. You realize what this means? Now that Jesse Ventura and Arnold have been elected, we need to campaign for Carl Weathers so every single star of “Predator” can be a governor at least once. It’s only fair.

They are bears, you frickin’ idiot
*A self-proclaimed bear expert was found fatally mauled by a bear in Alaska. He was there to research his next book: “How To Tickle-Fight With a Bear.”

Domestic violence bad, shooting good
*The wife of Maryland Gov. Robert Ehrlich. Kendel Ehrlich, speaking at a domestic violence conference, said she would shoot Britney Spears if she had the chance. That is just wrong. She should shoot Celine Dion first.

Friendly confines just got a little surlier
*Despite a two-out ninth inning game-tying Sammy Sosa home run, the Chicago Cubs lost to the Florida Marlins 9-8 in eleven innings. Cubs fans are taking it in stride, when asked to comment, one said; “It’s just the first of seven games and our hitters got hot so I feel . . . OH MY GOD, WE LOST THE FIRST GAME AT HOME, IF WE DON’T WIN I’M GONNA …oh, sorry about your tie.”

Yankee Doodle Dunderhead
*The New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner released a weird, convoluted statement to the New York media Monday. How weird? The only two people who understood it were Ozzie Osbourne and Rush Limbaugh.

The old twenty was just so macho- butch
*Have you seen the new twenty-dollar bill? Even the “Queer Eye for the Straight Guys” think it’s a little campy.

Who designed this thing, Richard Simmons?

Have you seen the new twenty-dollar bill? I had no idea Andrew Jackson was gay. Come to think of it, he did go by the name Andrew . . .

Some say the new twenty-dollar bill is a little too flamboyant. In fact, if you look closely, you can see that they replaced the picture of Andrew Jackson with Bette Midler.

Since you asked;

Due to the recent mauling by tigers to Seigfried and Roy’s Roy, an apartment dwelling tiger owner in the Bronx, as well as a fatal bear-mauling of a “bear expert” in Alaska, I have just completed a book: “How to stay safe with wild animals.”

Chapter One: What part of wild don’t you understand, you moron? You want a pet? Get a goldfish, loser.

The End.

P.S. Go Cubs.