Friday, October 10, 2003

Throw down and rub some funk on it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The beef against Kobe

Lurid details have emerged at the preliminary Kobe Bryant hearing. Not to put too fine a point on it, but apparently Kobe thinks foreplay is when you can’t find a fifth player for pickup basketball.

Not to go into too much detail about the sexual allegations, but according to the testimony, Kobe has had dunks that took longer.

Let’s just say Kobe thinks the three-second violation extends to the bedroom.

Apparently the woman acknowledged flirting with Kobe, but she didn’t want him to make a pass. To which Kobe asked, “What’s a pass?”

Luke, you are my son, Luke
*The “evil empire” New York Yankees defeated the Boston Red Sox 6-2 in game two to tie the series. Yankee owner George Steinbrenner said he resents the nickname evil empire and to emphasize his point, he lopped off the head of a reporter with his light saber.

Nice kitty
Controversy at the annual cat show at Madison Square Garden in New York. Turns out they caught Siegfreid, of Seigfreid and Roy, backstage tying to sell his white tiger by passing it off as Persian with a glandular problem.

That’s a lot
The Porn actress, Mary Carey, got 10,000 votes in the California recall election. When you count her porno co-stars, that is 20,000 people who have punched Mary’s ballot, so to speak.

Whole lotta Love
*Courtney Love appears in an L.A. court tonight on drug charges. At her appearance, the judge will also ask Courtney to defend her statement that quarterback Donovan McNabb is overrated because he is black.

Thanks for volunteering girls, and remember, blow is just a figure of speech

Supposedly there is a fake medical study from North Carolina State University that claims that women who perform oral sex for men on a regular basis have a far less chance of getting breast cancer. Can you imagine if Arnold gets a hold of this information?

“Vell if you von’t let me cure of you breast cancer, let me at least give you a booby, err, breast exam.”

If it was true, this would have been one study they didn’t have a problem getting guys to commit to.

In a related story, male applications to North Carolina State University have increased exponentially.

If this was true than Bill Clinton would have saved more lives than Jonah Salk

Whither Gray?

Some people are wondering, now that he is out of office, what will become of Gray Davis? It seems pretty obvious to me; Gray is going to parlay his looks and personality and become a Hip Hop star.

Heeeeere's Jose

Due to the Tonight show’s involvement with Arnold’s campaign, it’s a good thing for “The Tonight Show” that Arnold won. Gray Davis was about to introduce legislation that would have made it mandatory for all illegal aliens to appear on the show.

Since you asked;
Everyone in California got something nasty on them after this recall farce, thanks to good ol’ Gray “It’s my name and my personality” Davis.

How out-of-touch could Davis be? Like millions of other Californians, I was ready to vote no on the recall simply because it was too expensive, a nationwide embarrassment and a bad precedent to set. With the sense of entitlement at dangerously high levels these days, what is it saying when we say, “I don’t care if he won the election, I want him out”? Besides, I don’t care what their politics are, actors are not anywhere near qualified to do anything but play pretend.

So there I was all ready to vote no on the recall, and what does Gray Davis do? He passes the one piece of legislation guaranteed to anger all taxpayers: Driver licenses to illegal aliens. What a moron. We had no choice but to vote him out.

For decades, California government workers –from Governor and the legislature down to the low-level-evil-sadists at the county clerk’s office - have been laboring under the misconception that the object is to screw the taxpayers in blind support of the disenfranchised (see: illegal aliens). If California government workers were in charge of Costco, they would shut down the cash registers to better serve the Homer Simpson-clones fighting over the free cocktail weenies.

Well, guess what, California government working folks, you were wrong, and the results are beginning to speak for themselves.