Monday, October 06, 2003

Come on, Torn Slatterns, knock us Nugget Ranchers a kiss

Schwarzenegger is German for “Swing that money maker over here.”
Poor Maria Shriver, apparently she is the only woman Arnold hasn’t groped.

A coalition of women's groups met at the Feminist Majority offices in Beverly Hills to unveil an anti-Schwarzenegger ad campaign featuring yet another woman Arnold allegedly groped. And you thought Arnold just groped for words.

A coalition of women's groups met at the Feminist Majority offices in Beverly Hills to unveil an anti-Schwarzenegger ad campaign. The Feminist Majority offices in Beverly Hills? I’m guessing that’s probably not the best place to get together with the boys to watch a game.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is starting to get depressed about all this bad publicity. Today Arnold didn’t even feel like groping himself.

Call Acme
Did you see the Kansas City Chief’s Dante Hall run kickoffs against the Denver Broncos? The only thing that was missing was Hall Beep-Beeping before his Road Runner routine.

Cubs win
Thank goodness the Chicago Cubs beat the Atlanta Braves; it would have been bad enough to lose, but it would have been even worse to lose to team with a guy called Chipper.

Is it just me, or does the Chicago Cubs goatee’d pitcher Matt Clements look like the result of an unholy union of Abraham Lincoln and the Keebler Elf?

If the Cubs go to the World Series, James Earl Jones will play Dusty Baker in the movie.

Did you catch this?
During the playoff games, a commercial for U.P.S. ran often that stated; “Life got simple the day I plugged into the big brown machine.” Isn’t that the motto of; “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?”

For Chicago Cubs fans, today is the morning after they lost their virginity. Stop lights are still red, the sky is still blue and you still have go to work or school, but somehow nothing is quite the same and everything seems a little bit better and brighter.

Rough time
It was a rough day for Rush Limbaugh. First he resigned from ESPN over racial comments about Q.B. Donovan McNabb, and Florida is investigating Limbaugh for abusing prescription drugs. And today, Rush was attacked by a tiger.

Sadly, in the Women’s World Cup soccer tournament, the U.S. lost to Germany. Incidentally, the phrase the U.S. lost to Germany happens to be the least written one in history.

Elena Slough 115, documented as the nation's oldest person, died Sunday. The oldest man and women in the world just died in Japan, and now the oldest woman in the US. What’s going on here? What is with all of these oldest people dying off? I smell a conspiracy.

Dr. “Got my” Phil “of him”
The experts say there is nothing new in Dr. Phil’s diet book. In fact, the only thing Dr. Phil’s book does to help people lose weight is that the money they spend on the book, they can’t spend on food.

Cubs on first
The Chicago Cubs head into the playoffs with the two best pitchers, Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. Too bad they also don’t have a pitcher named Latter, it could be a new “Who’s on First?” routine:

“Who would be the first pitcher, Prior, Wood or Latter?”

“Prior would”

“So Wood’s latter?”

“Prior to Latter”

“Latter to who?”

“Prior ”

“Prior to who? The latter”

“Latter would”

“Who would? Latter, Wood? I thought Wood was prior to Latter?”

“No Latter would, he is prior but latter to Prior.”