Saturday, August 16, 2003

Rock steady baby, that's what I feel now, let's call this song exactly what it is, (what it is, what it is) Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Doing my very best Johnny) I, I, I did not know that . . .
Did you know that Tom Cruise has had a lifelong struggle with severe dyslexia? And believe it or not, pretty boy Tom was also a good high school wrestler. Cruise’s wrestling record was twenty-five wins, with just three loses, one tie, and six prom invitations and a wedding proposal. (Clang)

The NFL’s far less witty Sir Charles
Does this New York Giant tight end Jeremy Shockey ever shut up or say anything that isn’t asinine? As a comedy writer who follows sports, I have just two words for Jeremy Shockey: Thank you.

Oh yeah, this will work
The Portland Trailblazers have written a code of conduct for their players. Chapter three in the Portland Trailblazers code of conduct: “Always remember to say thank you to the officer who hands you a tissue to wipe away the fingerprint ink.”

This Portland Trailblazers code of conduct should prove to be the most useful document since the French Guide: "How to Extend Polite Etiquette Towards American Tourists."

No contest
The argument over who most deserves manager of the year is focused between Filipe Alou of the San Francisco Giants and Dusty Baker of the Chicago Cubs. Please.

Baker has led a last place team into - as of this writing - first place while weathering many injuries and Sosa’s cork episode. Nothing against Alou at all, he is awesome, but all Filipe has had to worry about is if the ink in his pen goes out while writing down the name of Barry Bonds on his lineup sheet.

Trust me, I am no Bonds fan, but facts are facts, T.S.'s and N.R.'s You can't have the MVP and Manager of the year on the same team. They cancel each other out.

Fellow Cubbie fans, can you believe this? Past the middle of August and in first place. It's like playing the Lottery, deep down you know it's probably hopeless, but part of you can't help but get all tingly with excitement.

Friday, August 15, 2003

You been actin’ a little psychotic lately, Ty. What the hell? Why, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

(You wanna take care of Schmales? Cut the tendon behind his knee. His weight will go back and he won't be able to bring if forward. He'll push everything to the right. He'll quit the game)

No juice
*New York was completely and totally without any power; and I’m not just talking about the Mets’ hitters.

The good news about the Northeast blackout? No microphone could pickup and record any stupid comment by New York Giant tight end Jeremy Shockey. It was a nice break.

Jeremy Shockey called Dallas Cowboys coach Bill Parcells a “Homo.” Look for Jeremy’s appearance on the new Bravo reality show: “Queer Eye for the Stupid Guy.”

The city of Manhattan experienced a lengthy blackout, to which Mike Tyson remarked; “Big deal? I get ‘em every day.”

Say it isn’t vrai
*The French government declared a state of emergency after their three-week heat wave. This French heat wave is serious, there are even scattered reports of French people taking showers.

Nuts, fruits and flakes, the California bowl
*Among the hundreds of candidates for governor in California is a 100-year old woman, an old stripper, a porn star, a middle-aged action hero, and a diminutive washed-up TV star. And we actually wonder why the rest of the country thinks Californians are nuts.

*Did you hear about this porn star named Mary Carey running for Governor? Personally, I’d rather have somebody who’s been paid to screw rather than Gray Davis, whom we are paying to screw us

Kobe B
Former WNBA player Latasha Byears, who helped the Los Angeles Sparks to two league championships, is under investigation for allegedly sexually assaulting a former teammate. It’s serious, today Byears went diamond shopping with Kobe Bryant.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

It’s a Torn Slattern and Nugget Rancher thang

Not so distant cousin?
Former WNBA player Latasha Byears, who helped the Los Angeles Sparks to two league championships, is under investigation for allegedly sexually assaulting a former teammate. And here I didn’t know she was related to Kobe Bryant.

It could be
Conservatives are nervous about Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger’s liberal views: He’s pro-choice, pro-gun control, pro-gay rights and he’s admitted to extramarital affairs. How do we know Arnold isn’t really Bill Clinton with a lot of Hollywood make-up and special effects?

Minus the mullet
I don’t want to imply that the Los Angeles Dodgers offense is bad, but as of now, Billy Ray Cyrus has more hits than the Achy Breaky Dodgers.

Come on, people
Am I the only one scared by Mike Tyson’s bankruptcy? Folks, do the math: Mike Tyson bankrupt equals Mike Tyson is broke; Mike Tyson broke equals Mike Tyson cannot pay for his prescriptions; Mike Tyson off his meds equals bloody carnage. Let’s wake up and smell the Zoloft. As of now I am starting a fundraiser. Call and donate: 1-800 Mike Med.

Shockey Jockey
New York Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey vividly described his sexual fantasies in Maxim magazine including wanting a “three way” with three women. Uh, Jeremy, you and three women would be a four way. Good thing somebody besides Shockey keeps score of Giant games.

Good thing
After a training camp holdout, Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback Byron Leftwich was taped to the goalpost. Then his teammates covered him in the white powder used to line fields. Then they applied the sticky orange medicinal cream used by the training staff. But they drew the line at storing his head in a separate container.

Ted Williams' head and body are being stored in separate containers at an Arizona cryonics lab according to a story in Sports Illustrated. If true, this has to be the worst treatment of a body since; “Weekend at Bernie’s.”

This one is bad
The budget crisis has hurt Caltrans, including Amtrak California. When informed about the California train problem, Gubernatorial candidate Gary Coleman asked; “What ‘choo ‘choo talkin’ bout, Willis?”

Since you asked;
Not wanting to sound like some Shirley McClain California avocado-head dirt-eating whacko, but I am pretty sure we all have had past lives. Specifically, I am sure my Yellow Labrador Wrigley has had a past life. Even more specifically, I am fairly certain that in one of his past lives Wrigley was the head of the Nazi Sleep Deprivation Torture Center.

Wrigley is unparalleled in his ability to torture by sleep deprivation. Each morning he wakes, like some fuzzy alarm clock from hell, in his crate at the slightest crack of dawn. As if his licking, grunting and rustling around were not enough to wake me up, he starts this insidiously piercing high whine to be let out and fed. This whine should be studied by every alarm clock manufacturer in the country, because it is a noise that is impossible to sleep through.

It is a good thing Wrigley has a black button nose and a sweet, slightly confused adorable hound-doggy face, or there would be many mornings when I could kill him. After I feed him and let him out, I try to go back to sleep. Wrigley laughs at this feeble attempt at sleep. Wrigley will emit a loud, single bark at exactly every five minutes. Five minutes is the time it takes you to yell for the damn dog to shut up, and then settle back down and just begin to drift off. Every five minutes, one single loud bark from about Six AM to about Eight AM.

You know, if I put his pelt on the wall, it could pass as a cougar. Hmm.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

That's what I'm talkin' 'bout, we the type of player player haters hate to play, T.T.T. and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Going, going, gone
Barry Bonds connected twice in front of a Shea Stadium crowd that included former President Clinton to give him 650 homers in the San Francisco Giants' 5-4 loss to the Mets Tuesday night. It was a night of milestones; in addition, coincidentally Clinton hit on his 650th woman this year.

The nerve
Kenyon Martin is miffed that the New Jersey Nets have offered him a meager $66 million over six years (he wants $87 million). Who can blame him? Eleven million a year? What a slap in the face. Mike Tyson’s Tigers spill more in cat food than that.

Uh, one, two, what’s that next thing?
New York Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey vividly described his sexual fantasies in Maxim magazine including wanting a “threesome” with three women. Uh, Jeremy, wouldn’t you and three women make a foursome? Good thing somebody else keeps score of Shockey’s games.

Shockey is living proof that, like Mike Tyson, Mark Cuban and countless others, just because a celebrity has a mouth, it doesn’t mean they know how to use it.

New meaning to getting his head in the game
Ted Williams' head and body are being stored in separate containers at an Arizona cryonics lab according to a story in Sports Illustrated. This is the worst treatment of a body since “Weekend at Bernie’s.”

Thought for the day

Nature abhors a vacuum . . . but, oddly enough, nature doesn't mind a Dustbuster

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Yo, Player, we ain't playin' all up in this here busy Hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Quit it
Geraldo Rivera got married on Sunday for the 5th time. Geraldo just won’t learn. On his honeymoon, once again, Geraldo unadvisedly revealed his position.

Get over yourself, person
Have you seen the “The Christopher Lowell Show” on the Discovery channel? This Christopher guy gives decorating tips. I don’t want to imply that Lowell is a tad flamboyant, but he makes the Richard Simmons look like Russell Crowe.

That bulky
A study revealed that one in five elite male athletes suffers from poor body image, but unlike women who think they need to lose weight, the elite male athletes wanted to bulk up. In fact, one elite athlete wants to bulk up to the point where he can someday run for Governor of California.

Tres Hot
Europe is in the grips of a horrible heat wave. It was so hot in Paris, ten people actually suffered through the premier of “Gigli” just for the air conditioning.

Please don’t slice it
Next week the Philadelphia Phillies are going to be having their gay community day at the ballpark in a game against the Milwaukee Brewers. The Brewers will get a chance to see an entirely new kind of wiener race.

Since you asked
It’s a sad day for all Americans and not just the sports world. The engineer and coach of probably the greatest single moment in American Sports, the 1980 Hockey gold medal upset, Herb Brooks, has died. Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren once said;

“The sports page records people's accomplishments, the front page nothing but man's failures.”

Anyone who doubts the importance of sports need look no further than that amazing gold medal performance at Lake Placid. A bunch of college hockey players, guided by Brooks, lifted the downtrodden spirit of an entire nation with their miraculous performances. And now, here we are, 23 years older. 23 years. Do you believe in Miracle Ears? Yes.

It wouldn’t be stretching it to compare the 1980 Russian Hockey team defeat at the hands of amateur college players to the 1996 Chicago Bulls losing to a pick-up team. That Russian team not only beat, but in most cases, destroyed every NHL team in its path, including an All Star team.

In 1980, inflation was out the roof, oil prices were staggering, gas was rationed, jobs were scarce, and our national morale was lower than rattle snake poop in a wheel rut. (What am I, Gabby Hayes all of a sudden?) That amazing Hockey victory left an indelible stamp of American pride.

Most sports victories can temporarily lift you up, only to drop you moments later in a sort of great- the-team-won- but-how-does-that-help-me-pay-the-mortgage? hollow feeling. Not the 1980 Olympic Hockey team win. That victory gave us a sense that we, as a nation, were capable of anything. It left me feeling that, if these guys could pull this off, well, maybe graduating from UCSB the next year and getting a job wouldn't be all that tough after all. It was also an antidote to the eight year pain of the 1972 Olympic basketball fiasco. (Again, that was not my fault, Woody)

Thanks again, Herbie.

Monday, August 11, 2003

We're bangin' now, Money Dawg and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot is it?
*It’s been hot here in California. I’ve been sweating like Arnold Schwarzenegger taking a California civics test.

*It’s hot. I’ve been sweating like Gray Davis in a popularity contest.

I tell ya, it’s hot. I’m sweating like Ben and J. Lo reading a review of “Gigli.”

Just make your mark
*There was an embarrassing moment when Arnold officially registered to run for Governor; when he went to sign up, he had to ask his wife, Maria, how to spell Schwarzenegger.

I’m not saying Arnold Schwarzennegger doesn’t know a lot about California politics, but until yesterday, Arnold thought Sacramento was a flavor of Mentos mints.

Twins Two
*In the recall for Governor, are there two more opposite human beings on the planet then Gray Davis and Arnold Schwarzennegger? Compared to Gray Davis, it actually seems possible that Danny DeVito could be Arnold’s twin brother in “Twins.”

Good move

*Arnold Schwarzennegger says he is prepared against critics attacks about his infidelities. Today he ran out and bought Maria an eight-carat diamond ring.

It’s not really Arnold’s fault he hasn’t stayed faithful. The guy is one of four or five straight Hollywood movie actors, he has to keep up his share of the demand.

That bad
*The San Diego Padres are 46-73, 28 games back; J. Lo and Ben Affleck are having a better summer than the Padres.

Happy Shmappy
* Hey Kobe, you’ve admitted to an affair and have been charged with sexual assault. What are you going to do now? “I’m going to Disneyland.”

Kobe and his wife Vanessa were spotted at, of all places, the happiest place on earth: Disneyland. Sadly, Kobe and Venessa wanted to go on a ride, but the Disney officials took a look at her diamond ring and kicked them out of “It’s a Small World.”

It’s a broke thing
*Martha Stewart’s company posted lower earnings and warned of future loses. They blamed the losses on bad publicity, a sluggish economy and the added expense of Martha’s purchase of thousands of cartons of cigarettes in preparation for prison.

Mud slinging
*It’s getting ugly already. Arnold Schwarzenegger blames Gray Davis for California’s $38 billion deficit and Gray Davis blames Arnold for appearing in “Batman and Robin” and “End of Days.”

Why do I have to think of these things?
*193 candidates have filed to run for Governor of California. It costs $3,500 to run. That’s what our economy needs, we just need 500,000 more candidates to run at $3,500 a piece, that deficit will be lower in no time.

Material Older Woman
*Retail experts say the Gap made a bad move by featuring Madonna in their commercials. Who says? Seriously, what teenager doesn’t run out and buy the clothes a 44-year-old mother wears in a commercial? That’s the oldest retail trick in the book.

I am apologizing ahead of time for this following joke

St Louis Cardinals Albert Pujols hit a game winning home run against the Atlanta Braves to extend his hitting streak to 24 games. That’s the longest streak by a Pujols since Jesse Ventura stopped wearing underwear.

I said I was sorry . . .

Sunday, August 10, 2003

We got us some sick mad skilz, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Shockey behavior
New York Giant tight end Jeremy Shockey has made many offensive moves and comments including throwing ice that injured a child, flipping-off the San Francisco crowd, and recently referring to Dallas Cowboy coach Bill Parcells as “a homo.” Even after his comments were aired on tape, Shockey claimed the press misquoted him. That’s beautiful. From now on, folks, I have never, ever, made a lame joke, the press simply misquoted me. Yeah, that’s it. That’s the ticket.

The press really can’t argue with Jeremy’s grasp of English. I mean who could possibly have a better command of the language than Jeremy Shockey, a man who thinks a gerund is a rodent or possibly a car formerly made by American motors?

In support of Shockey, the Giants spin-doctors have excused the native Oklahoman’s outlandish behavior as Shockey simply being naïve, impetuous, emotional and unpolished. Or, in other less politically correct words: he's a foul-mouthed hick.

Shockey has said a lot of stupid things, but the dumbest may have been uttered by his publicist who said he wanted to market Shockey as the NFL’s Anna Kournakova. (I suppose that means as another blonde loser) In terms of a physical resemblance, Shockey is to Anna what Trenton New Jersey is to Cannes, France.

We cannot place all of the blame for Shockey's asinine public statements on Jeremy. After all, we are now living in a celebrity-crazed country that honestly believes that if the press reports what some self-absorbed celebrity says, then that celebrity must be brilliant. How else can you explain Arnold running for Governor of California?

By the way, did you catch that embarrassing moment when Arnold went to sign up to run for Governor? He had to ask his wife, Maria, how to spell Schwarzenegger.