Monday, August 11, 2003

We're bangin' now, Money Dawg and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot is it?
*It’s been hot here in California. I’ve been sweating like Arnold Schwarzenegger taking a California civics test.

*It’s hot. I’ve been sweating like Gray Davis in a popularity contest.

I tell ya, it’s hot. I’m sweating like Ben and J. Lo reading a review of “Gigli.”

Just make your mark
*There was an embarrassing moment when Arnold officially registered to run for Governor; when he went to sign up, he had to ask his wife, Maria, how to spell Schwarzenegger.

I’m not saying Arnold Schwarzennegger doesn’t know a lot about California politics, but until yesterday, Arnold thought Sacramento was a flavor of Mentos mints.

Twins Two
*In the recall for Governor, are there two more opposite human beings on the planet then Gray Davis and Arnold Schwarzennegger? Compared to Gray Davis, it actually seems possible that Danny DeVito could be Arnold’s twin brother in “Twins.”

Good move

*Arnold Schwarzennegger says he is prepared against critics attacks about his infidelities. Today he ran out and bought Maria an eight-carat diamond ring.

It’s not really Arnold’s fault he hasn’t stayed faithful. The guy is one of four or five straight Hollywood movie actors, he has to keep up his share of the demand.

That bad
*The San Diego Padres are 46-73, 28 games back; J. Lo and Ben Affleck are having a better summer than the Padres.

Happy Shmappy
* Hey Kobe, you’ve admitted to an affair and have been charged with sexual assault. What are you going to do now? “I’m going to Disneyland.”

Kobe and his wife Vanessa were spotted at, of all places, the happiest place on earth: Disneyland. Sadly, Kobe and Venessa wanted to go on a ride, but the Disney officials took a look at her diamond ring and kicked them out of “It’s a Small World.”

It’s a broke thing
*Martha Stewart’s company posted lower earnings and warned of future loses. They blamed the losses on bad publicity, a sluggish economy and the added expense of Martha’s purchase of thousands of cartons of cigarettes in preparation for prison.

Mud slinging
*It’s getting ugly already. Arnold Schwarzenegger blames Gray Davis for California’s $38 billion deficit and Gray Davis blames Arnold for appearing in “Batman and Robin” and “End of Days.”

Why do I have to think of these things?
*193 candidates have filed to run for Governor of California. It costs $3,500 to run. That’s what our economy needs, we just need 500,000 more candidates to run at $3,500 a piece, that deficit will be lower in no time.

Material Older Woman
*Retail experts say the Gap made a bad move by featuring Madonna in their commercials. Who says? Seriously, what teenager doesn’t run out and buy the clothes a 44-year-old mother wears in a commercial? That’s the oldest retail trick in the book.

I am apologizing ahead of time for this following joke

St Louis Cardinals Albert Pujols hit a game winning home run against the Atlanta Braves to extend his hitting streak to 24 games. That’s the longest streak by a Pujols since Jesse Ventura stopped wearing underwear.

I said I was sorry . . .