Saturday, August 02, 2003

Lord help me, I loves me my biscuits, I surely do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Once again, count me in
The reviews for the Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez movie “Gigli” are horrible. But that doesn’t matter, I don’t care if 98% of the film is a grainy video of an insurance seminar, any movie that features J. Lo in a lesbian scene, guys are going to go see.

A little anger management may be in order
Saddam Hussein’s daughters said their father was a loving Dad and Grandfather. Where Saddam needed a little bit of work was as a Father-in-law, seeing as how he had their husbands shot. Not exactly Father-in-law-of-the-year material right there . . .

So that’s why . . .
In “Entertainment Weekly”, Matt LeBlanc explains why he is going to star as Joey Tribbiani in a “Friends” spin-off. Why? I can tell you why: McDonalds isn’t hiring.

Not a good move
Tiger Woods has enjoyed so much success at the Buick Open in Michigan since dumping his Nike Driver in favor of his old Titleist driver, he may have gone too far; today he decided to go with his Titleist driver in favor of his limo driver.

Since you asked
Sports Illustrated’s number one sports movie of all time was “Bull Durham” and “Raging Bull” was number three; which just goes to show: you can’t make a good sports movie without a lot of bull. Personally, I think it is tragic how S.I. snubbed that 1986 classic “Windrider.” Sure, “Windrider” wasn’t exactly “Citizen Kane,” but did “Citizen Kane” feature windsurfing and a naked young Nicole Kidman? I don’t think so.

The greatest sports movie of all time? No question: “Brian’s Song.” Any movie that can get us rugged Chicago Bear fans to weep like jilted drunk debutants has got to be some movie. Remember, we Chicago Bear fans are the same fans who throw empty beer bottles at injured opposing players as they are carted off the field on stretchers. Not exactly the demographic that lines up for the Olympia Dukakis film festival.

Either that or “Hoosiers.” Go to any sports bar, stand up, yell “Hoosiers," then rip up a cocktail napkin and announce; “Coach stays” and then watch burly men well-up with hot tears.

Thursday, July 31, 2003

Put on the hairdryers, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, it's dirt time

Unsubstantiated rumors are rampant on the Internet concerning the Kobe Bryant case. The most scurrilous claims that an additional Kobe extramarital indiscretion is set to surface. If that’s true, you know what this means? Somebody is about to get a nice pair of diamond earrings to match a certain $4 million dollar ring.
This is how we roll all up in this here Hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ventura Highway
Baseball trade rumors are flying and the Los Angeles Dodgers are rumored to want New York Yankee third baseman Robin Ventura. The Dodgers are so desperate for Ventura, if he signs, they have promised to name part of California highway 101 after him.

Is that all?
*You know it’s easy to run for Governor here in California. All you need is a few signatures and $3500. As Gray Davis has demonstrated, you don’t even need to have a personality.

Non bon
*Belgian Hans de Clercq finished almost five hours behind winner Lance Armstrong in last place at the Tour de France, gaining the unofficial title of "Lanterne Rouge," which is French for Detroit Tigers.

That ready, huh?
The White House says were are close to getting Saddam. How close? They’ve rehired the guy who worked on Qusay and Uday, Seigfried and Roy’s make-up artist, to get ready for Saddam.

Coach comeback
*Mike Ditka has signed to be the official spokesperson for the upcoming Levitra, a drug that they say will rival Viagra. Supposedly this Levitra really works. Let’s just say it put the iron back in “Iron” Mike Ditka.

Why do they have guys promoting erictile enhancing drugs? Everyone knows guys lie about sex, if they want it believable they should put the wife in the commercials. “My husband, Mike Ditka, took Levitra and then slammed me like a galley door in a storm.”

*At La Costa’s Acura Classic, eight players, including Serena Williams and Jennifer Capriati, have had to pull out due to injuries. The Old Christians rugby team from Uruguay didn’t have that many injuries, and their plane crashed into the Andes.

Fem boost
*Have you ever had one of those Jamba juice smoothies? They put in supplements called boosts, protein or vitamins, depending on what you want. By mistake, they put a feminine boost – vitamins for women – in my smoothie. Why, it made me so furious I could have cried.

That feminine boost really worked though, an hour later I got my period.

They accidentally put a feminine boost in my Jamba smoothie; the bad news is, after I drank it, I couldn’t drive worth a damn, but I could talk a lot longer on the phone.

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

Willy pulls a tune out and he blows it on the harp, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Rachers

Ching ching, bling bling
Prosecutors handling Kobe Bryant's sexual assault case won a request for additional money securing $105,000 from county commissioners. Or as Kobe calls $105,000, 2.5% of his wife’s new ring.

In Montana a glacier fire destroyed 50,000 acres. Hey, you scientists who say we don’t have global warning: Our Glaciers are catching on fire.

Not again
The “New York Post” says Paula Jones is pregnant again. Paula has to learn how to control herself at those romantic family reunions.

Gray area
The California Assembly passed a budget deal. Now all that is left is to sit and wait for Governor Gray Davis to screw it up.

A familiar theme
Due to Lance Armstrong’s win and Germany’s Jan Ulrich’s second place, this was a very touching Tour De France for the French. You could see the Parisians wiping sentimental tears away as, once again, a German and an American rode triumphantly into their city.

Wrong on so many levels
In Tennessee, the North American Nude Bikers club held it’s first rally this weekend. I think it’s called the Tour De Chafe.

You know who I feel sorry for? That poor slob who unknowingly buys a used bike from a member of the Nude Bikers club.

Anna, we hardly knew ye
*Anna Kournikova's tennis career may be in jeopardy due to a back injury. The good news for Anna is that if she retires, her player ranking could actually go up.

Purely as a sports fan, this news troubles me, so I therefore selflessly volunteer to rub poor Anna’s little back.

It wasn’t a total waste
The B.B.C reports that using the latest high tech equipment, they have determined that there is no Loch Ness monster. The good news? They did find some of Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction.

What are the odds?
In shocking news, Mike Tyson is back in court. This guy spends more time in court than Judge Judy.

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

Bringin' the new girls happy feet, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Say it ain’t so
*Sixteen months after their lavish, star-studded New York wedding, singer-actress Liza Minnelli and her fourth husband, producer David Gest, have separated. It turns out Liza has fallen for another pretending-to-be-straight guy.

Now it looks like they are going to have to get a sham divorce.

If those two normal kids can’t make it, what chance do the rest of us have?

Is it just me, or does David Gest look eerily like the picture of the overly made-up and dead Qusay Hussein?

You Can’t Always Remember What You Want
*Mick Jagger turns 60 this week. Mick is also working on his new single: “Start me up, with some Metamucil.”

Both Mick Jagger and drummer Charlie Watts are over sixty. When the rest of the band turns sixty, they will legally have to change their name to the Rolling Kidney Stones.

Now he’s toast
*They have caught Saddam Hussein’s bodyguard. It is really looking like Hussein is going to be found; Saddam owes twenty bucks in late fees to Blockbuster, so it should just be a matter of hours until those nasty bastards nail him.

Count me in
*USA TODAY Poll asked whether homosexual relations between consenting adults should be legal, 48% said yes, and 46% said no. When asked if legal rights should be granted to guys who want a manages- au- trios with two women, but have never had one, 96% of men replied yes.

*St. Louis Rams free safety Jason Sehorn broke his left foot in practice and is expected to be out until October. Sehorn will wear a removable cast that will cover his foot and ankle. This also marks the first time the words Sehorn and cover have been used together in three years.

Poor Jason has to lie around and be waited on hand and foot by his wife Angie Harmon. I’m starting to think this injury was self-inflicted.

Poor thing
*In a “People” interview, Angelina Jolie proclaimed she has not had sex in over a year. Angelina hasn’t had sex in a year? That’s the biggest waste since Anne Heche was a lesbian for a year.

Angelina has had less sex than a Christian rock groupie.

Stop it
New York city has established the first high school just for gays, Harvey Milk High school. You should see what they’re making in shop class.

The school motto at the gay Harvey Milk High? Got Milk?

The school cheer? Get over yourselves, persons.

So that’s why David Gest divorced Liza Minella, he wants to go back and get his high school diploma.

To celebrate the opening of the new all gay New York high school, Harvey Milk High's baseball team played in exhibition game; they beat the Mets 12-0.

Monday, July 28, 2003

Rock steady baby, just like I feel now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

If those two can’t make it, what chance do we have?
Sixteen months after their lavish, star-studded New York wedding, singer-actress Liza Minnelli and her fourth husband, producer David Gest, have separated. It turns out Liza has fallen for another pretend-to-be-straight guy.

Now it looks like they are going to have to get a sham divorce.

Is it just me, or does David Gest look way too much like the recent photo of the overly make-up’d dead Qusay Hussein?

A little harsh
Republicans are really gunning for Gray Davis. It is getting ugly, their motto is: Take the Guber out of Gubernatorial.

You gotta wonder
In Waco, they finally found the body of missing basketball player Waco basketball player Patrick Dennehey. When they first found the body, the police wouldn’t say if it was him or not. How rough is that neighborhood when they find a 6ft 10 body, and they aren’t sure it’s a missing basketball player? How many bodies do they have lying around there anyway?

Tell tale heart
Lance Armstrong won his fifth consecutive Tour De France. Do you know what Lance’s resting heart rate is? 32. That’s just above Ted Williams.

Start me up, with some Metamucil
Mick Jagger turns 60 this week. To celebrate he is releasing a new version of “Hey You Get Off of My Cloud” It’s titled; “Hey, You Get Off of My Lawn.”