Friday, May 09, 2003

We representin', ‘cause we done tested positive for G A M E, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers*

Pass the Beer Goggles
*Did you see the picture of fired Alabama coach Mike Price’s favorite dancer, Lora “Destiny” Boudreaux? Now, I don’t want to pass judgment, but even Bill Clinton was wondering what the heck Price was thinking about.

To put it in football terms, I hope for Price’s sake “Destiny” has a nice game uniform, because she sure has one beat-up practice helmet.

How ugly was she? If “Destiny” fell asleep on that Colorado mountain climber who cut his arm off, he would gladly cut off his other arm.

Who did she look like? Remember that commercial with the Wiemaranier-dog in the blonde wig? Bingo.

Go what’s your name
*The Minnesota Wild avoided elimination with a 5-1 win over the Vancover Canucks. What a relief, whew, the Wild live to fight again. I just have one question: what the hell is the Minnesota Wild?

Hunka hunka dead flesh
*Elvis Presley was number two in VH 1’s “100 Sexiest Artist” list. How does it make the other 98 sexy artists feel to know they finished behind a dead guy?

*On VH 1’s “100 Sexiest Artist” list, Christine Aguilera, finished an almost insulting 62nd, even behind the ugly punk-grunge band Garbage. I’m not a celebrity stylist, but maybe that whole, I-am-the-scankiest-slut-in-the-universe look ain’t workin’ so good for Christine.

*Have you seen Christine Aguilera lately? I don’t want to sound old, but Christine wears more make-up and metal piercing’s than a gay motorcycle gang.

Poor little things
*Michael Jordan was fired as the Washington Wizard’s president. Apparently, when Jordan called the younger Wizard players immature, spoiled and unmotivated, they got so upset, they ran sobbing to their private masseuses for a spirit-lifting rub-down and then took a nap.

Still, it’s an improvement
*Mike Shula, Don Shula’s son, has left the Miami Dolphins and probably will be named the new coach of Alabama. The good news? Shula said he doesn’t like strippers. The bad news? Shula said he is more of a hooker man.

Alabama was said to be looking for a coach who had no interest in female erotic dancers and was willing to spend more time bonding with the players in the locker room, but after the only person to show any interest in the job was Richard Simmons, they decided to hire Shula.

*From a clip I saw of Jamie Kennedy.” That kid is so painfully funny, I may go see that movie "Malibu's Most Wanted" which, when I first heard about it, you couldn’t have made me go with a glock pointed all up in my headizzle, yo.


Thursday, May 08, 2003

Don't be playuh hatin' up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Uh oh
In New York, a federal judge awarded almost $104 million in damages to some of the families of the Sept. 11 terror attacks, saying they proved Iraq provided material support to Osama bin Laden. Forget about the bunker buster bombs and the special forces, now Saddam Hussein is in serious trouble, he has a trial attorney after him.

Tee off
The Boston Globe suspended sports writer Bob Ryan for saying that New Jersey Nets star Jason Kidd’s wife needed someone to “smack her.” On the bright side for Ryan, he was instantly offered a membership at Augusta by president Hootie Johnson.

Not me
It has been three days since Cinco de Mayo. How many of you can finally hear the word Tequila shooter without throwing up?

We can only hope
Vice President Dick Cheney has agreed to be President Bush's running mate in 2004. Can you believe it? Somebody actually found Dick Cheney. There’s hope we might someday find Saddam.

He never quits
An audiotape purportedly from Saddam has emerged urging his countrymen to fight foreign occupation. Another tape from the Iraqi Information minister has emerged urging Iraqi’s just to deny the foreign occupation.

A lot of Grip, yo
Qusay, Saddam’s son, reportedly withdrew over a billion dollars before the coalition forces attacked Iraq. A billion dollars. The ATM receipt alone weighed fifty pounds.

Ahh, that’s nice to see
There are signs all over the world that things are getting back to normal after the war in Iraq. Why, just yesterday in Paris, a waiter intentionally ignored an American tourist, not because he was against U.S. involvement in the war, but just because he was rude and snotty.

Sent down
Remember the reporter that, during the campaign, President Bush was overheard describing to Dick Cheney as “a major league a**hole for the New York Times,” Adam Clymer? Some sad news. Today he was demoted to the triple A minor league a***holes.

It hurt, is what I’m sayin’
The Los Angeles Lakers play game two against the San Antonio after losing game one. Did you see that personal foul Laker’s Robert Horry committed against the Spurs’ David Robinson? Let’s just say Horry did everything but give Robinson the turn and cough test.

I had girlfriends in high school who didn’t get as intimate with me as Horry got with Robinson.

It was bad was Robinson hit? Let’s just say that, after that foul, Kentucky Derby winner Funny Cide isn’t the only gelding in the sports news.

Even Aron Ralston – the mountain climber who cut his arm off – winced when he say that foul.

The only good news for David Robinson? Next year, when he retires from basketball, he can sing lead soprano for the Vienna Boys Choir.

Man, I am on a roll . . . just like Robinson’s boys.

Kids at the pool
The iLoo being developed by a division of Microsoft Corp. in Britain is a standard portable toilet - a loo to the English - with a wireless keyboard and extending, height-adjustable plasma screen in front of the seat. Talk about multi-tasking. Now you can download . . . while you download.

Ouch again
And I mentioned this mountain climber Aron Ralston whose arm was pinned by a boulder so he had to cut it off? Details are coming out. It turns out the blade on his Swiss Army knife was broken. He had to use those tiny little scissors. This kid is tough.

Speaking of cutting
And Funny Cide won the Kentucky Derby last Saturday. In case you didn’t know, Funny Cide is a gelding, which basically makes him the most famous eunuch since Madonna’s husband Guy Ritchie.

Now, I know Funny Cide is a horse, but still, as a guy, that’s brutal. We have a male dog Wrigley who we had fixed. I swear, sometimes when he stared at me, I could almost hear him say; “What’d you do with them, you bastard?”

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

I got it like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ding and dong
The San Antonio Spurs beat the Los Angeles Lakers 87-82 in game one of the their playoffs. Did you see that technical foul the Lakers Robert Horry had against the Spur’s David Robinson? Let’s put it this way, the entire season, the Detroit Tigers have not hit two balls that hard.

Let’s just say on the Admiral’s ship, the time Horry rung was two bells.

Not again . . .
*The San Antonio Spurs beat the Los Angeles Lakers 87-82 in game one of the their playoffs. Did you see what happened when Shaquille O’Neal fouled out of the game? He accidentally sat on injured forward Rick Fox’s arm. Now, in addition to a torn foot tendon, Fox had to cut off his arm with a pocket knife to get free.

Me so wet coughy
*This SARS epidemic is serious. Whatever you do, do not go to a Chinese restaurant and order the Lung Pao.

How much?
*The New York Times says, Qusay, the son of Saddam Hussein, carried off nearly $1 billion in cash from Iraq's central bank hours before the U.S.-led war on the country began. He took so much money that wasn’t his, Qusay was named an official executive of Enron.

Apparently Qusay’s name is an acronym for: Quickly Unburdening Sizeable Assets Yourself.

I know it when I see it
*In Brussels, a painting by surrealist Rene Magritte was sold at auction Monday for $3.8 million. The painting featured a bird whose body is filled with clouds. A bird whose body was filled with clouds for $3.8 million? It should have been a bull’s body filled with crap.

Call E Entertainment TV
*Iowa State basketball coach Larry Eustachy has resigned after photos were published showing him partying and kissing girls at a Missouri college party. Eustachy will receive a lump sum of $960,000. That’s the most anyone has been paid for one night of getting drunk and kissing since Anna Nicole Smith’s honeymoon with J. Howard Marshall II.

One lump or two?
*Hookers are back in Iraq. It is serious. Reportedly, hundreds of camels are now out of work.

*Mountain climber Aron Ralston said he considered his options after he was stuck five days with a boulder on his arm. First, he could chip away at the boulder to get free, second, he could stay there until a Starbucks opened down below, or third, he could cut his arm off. He made the right choice.

New research indicates that football players who suffered three or four concussions have twice the risk of later developing depression. Is this really a breakthrough? Didn’t we already have an idea that getting hit hard on the head is depressing?

Friendly Skies
Did you hear what happened Saturday? Out of Miami, the first all nude flight. There was an embarrassing moment when one woman asked for more nuts.

There was also an embarrassing moment when the flight attendant had to tell one of the drunk male passengers;

“That’s impressive, Sir, but when I said I wanted it in the full, upright and locked position, I meant your trey table.”

Did you hear what happened Saturday? Out of Miami, the first all nude flight. We don’t know too much about this other than it wasn’t on Virgin Atlantic Airways.

Dinged, but no dingers
Chicago Cubs fans are a little worried. Slugger Sammy Sosa is only one for seventeen since having his batting helmet shattered by a bean ball. Who can blame him? If that happened to me, I would be one for seventeen for showing up to the games.

Not proud of these at all
Remember Joey and Mary Jo Buttafuco? They are getting a divorce. Some people think they should work it out. In fact, Amy Fisher suggested Mary Jo give it one more shot.

But no, Mary Jo said she needs Joey like a hole in the head.

Scream 3
And I mentioned this mountain climber Aron Ralston who’s arm was pinned by a boulder so he had to cut it off? Details are coming out. The worst part? It turns out he didn’t have a knife. He had to use a fingernail clipper. It took forever.

Monday, May 05, 2003

Oh, pulizzle, my burizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(Even I don't know what that means, and I wrote it)

A proactive freak
*Researchers have found that the obesity epidemic also includes toddlers. Toddlers are obese. This is a serious health problem. In fact, today Michael Jackson installed five treadmills at the Neverland Ranch.

You da man now, Dogizzle and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

You hate to hear that
*Tonya Harding had to pull out of boxing match because of a broken nose. She didn’t break it sparring, she slipped in the bathroom when her house hit a speed bump.

That long, huh?
*Saturday’s running was the 129th of the Kentucky Derby. It’s been going for 129 years, which is about how long it seemed to take the horse I bet on to finish.

Funny Cide is a gelding. That means he has one less than Lance Armstrong.

Funny Cide won. I had my money on the other cide: Sui Cide. He died at the finish.

I thought he was weird
*The Movie “X2- X-Men United” opened big this weekend. You know, I think one of my neighbors is an X-Man. Yesterday I saw him pruning the bushes with his scissor hands.

You know, I am an X-man. Sadly, my mutant power is the ability to take an amusing news story and turn it into a painfully predictable joke.

Yikes and more yikes
*A Colorado climber, 27-year-old Aron Ralston of Aspen, amputated his own arm just below the elbow with a pocket knife, four days after becoming pinned by a boulder, then he rappelled down a sixty foot cliff and hiked to safety and is in the hospital. It happened in Moab, Utah. Moab now stands for My Other Arm’s Behind.

He cut off his arm. The toughest thing I’ve ever had to do was the dreaded fly unzip in the bathroom after I accidentally zipped myself up.

On second thought, he isn’t the only tough guy around here; yesterday my automatic garage door wouldn’t open so I had to open the garage door using my bare hands.

Not another one . . .
*First Iowa State basketball coach, Larry Eustachy, was caught drunk and kissing girls at a college party, now Mike Price was fired by Alabama without coaching a single football game because of a night at a topless bar. Look for the new video: “Coaches Gone Wild.”

Mike Price was fired by Alabama without coaching a football game because of a night at a topless bar. Price was hired because he said he could handle Auburn. It turns out it wasn’t Alabama’s rival Auburn University Price was talking about, it was Auburn the red-haired stripper.

If the snit does not fit
*In letters from death-row, the convicted killer of 7-year-old Danielle van Dam, David Westerfield, claims he was framed by 1, the police, and 2, Danielle’s parents. Who does this guy think he is, Johnny Cochran?

Boy has he found a home in Paris
*In an article in the French sports daily L'Equipe's magazine, Richard Williams, says he won't salute the flag because of racism in the United States. That sound you just heard is Serena and Venus’s corporate sponsors at Wilson and Reebok, hitting the liquor cabinet.

Now, sure, that may sound horribly unpatriotic, but give Williams a break, he was in France where Anti-American-ism is more contagious than SARS.

Apparently Williams had the same jet lag problem as the Dixie Chicks did in London: his mouth was three time zones ahead of his brain.

Long odds
*The Detroit Tigers are 4-25. How bad are the Tigers? In Las Vegas, you can get better odds on Kentucky Derby winner Funny Cide siring a winning colt than the Tigers winning the World Series: And Funny Cide is a gelding.

What a shock
*A U.S. psychology association found violent lyrics in songs increase aggression-related thoughts and could create a more hostile environment. Many artists disagree, in fact, rumor has it rapper Snoop Doggy Dog was going to publicly deny a link to lyrics and violence, but he had to go testify to the police about being shot at last month.

How low do they go?
*The Supreme Court has ruled the states can sue telemarketers who lie about money for charities. The lawyers for telemarketers were upset by this decision. Does it come any lower on the food chain than that, being a lawyer for telemarketers? Maybe a terrorist’s personal assistant.