I got it like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ding and dong
The San Antonio Spurs beat the Los Angeles Lakers 87-82 in game one of the their playoffs. Did you see that technical foul the Lakers Robert Horry had against the Spur’s David Robinson? Let’s put it this way, the entire season, the Detroit Tigers have not hit two balls that hard.

Let’s just say on the Admiral’s ship, the time Horry rung was two bells.

Not again . . .
*The San Antonio Spurs beat the Los Angeles Lakers 87-82 in game one of the their playoffs. Did you see what happened when Shaquille O’Neal fouled out of the game? He accidentally sat on injured forward Rick Fox’s arm. Now, in addition to a torn foot tendon, Fox had to cut off his arm with a pocket knife to get free.

Me so wet coughy
*This SARS epidemic is serious. Whatever you do, do not go to a Chinese restaurant and order the Lung Pao.

How much?
*The New York Times says, Qusay, the son of Saddam Hussein, carried off nearly $1 billion in cash from Iraq's central bank hours before the U.S.-led war on the country began. He took so much money that wasn’t his, Qusay was named an official executive of Enron.

Apparently Qusay’s name is an acronym for: Quickly Unburdening Sizeable Assets Yourself.

I know it when I see it
*In Brussels, a painting by surrealist Rene Magritte was sold at auction Monday for $3.8 million. The painting featured a bird whose body is filled with clouds. A bird whose body was filled with clouds for $3.8 million? It should have been a bull’s body filled with crap.

Call E Entertainment TV
*Iowa State basketball coach Larry Eustachy has resigned after photos were published showing him partying and kissing girls at a Missouri college party. Eustachy will receive a lump sum of $960,000. That’s the most anyone has been paid for one night of getting drunk and kissing since Anna Nicole Smith’s honeymoon with J. Howard Marshall II.


One lump or two?
*Hookers are back in Iraq. It is serious. Reportedly, hundreds of camels are now out of work.

Ouch
*Mountain climber Aron Ralston said he considered his options after he was stuck five days with a boulder on his arm. First, he could chip away at the boulder to get free, second, he could stay there until a Starbucks opened down below, or third, he could cut his arm off. He made the right choice.

Duh
New research indicates that football players who suffered three or four concussions have twice the risk of later developing depression. Is this really a breakthrough? Didn’t we already have an idea that getting hit hard on the head is depressing?

Friendly Skies
Did you hear what happened Saturday? Out of Miami, the first all nude flight. There was an embarrassing moment when one woman asked for more nuts.

There was also an embarrassing moment when the flight attendant had to tell one of the drunk male passengers;

“That’s impressive, Sir, but when I said I wanted it in the full, upright and locked position, I meant your trey table.”

Did you hear what happened Saturday? Out of Miami, the first all nude flight. We don’t know too much about this other than it wasn’t on Virgin Atlantic Airways.

Dinged, but no dingers
Chicago Cubs fans are a little worried. Slugger Sammy Sosa is only one for seventeen since having his batting helmet shattered by a bean ball. Who can blame him? If that happened to me, I would be one for seventeen for showing up to the games.


Not proud of these at all
Remember Joey and Mary Jo Buttafuco? They are getting a divorce. Some people think they should work it out. In fact, Amy Fisher suggested Mary Jo give it one more shot.

But no, Mary Jo said she needs Joey like a hole in the head.

Scream 3
And I mentioned this mountain climber Aron Ralston who’s arm was pinned by a boulder so he had to cut it off? Details are coming out. The worst part? It turns out he didn’t have a knife. He had to use a fingernail clipper. It took forever.