Monday, May 05, 2003

You da man now, Dogizzle and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

You hate to hear that
*Tonya Harding had to pull out of boxing match because of a broken nose. She didn’t break it sparring, she slipped in the bathroom when her house hit a speed bump.

That long, huh?
*Saturday’s running was the 129th of the Kentucky Derby. It’s been going for 129 years, which is about how long it seemed to take the horse I bet on to finish.

Funny Cide is a gelding. That means he has one less than Lance Armstrong.

Funny Cide won. I had my money on the other cide: Sui Cide. He died at the finish.

I thought he was weird
*The Movie “X2- X-Men United” opened big this weekend. You know, I think one of my neighbors is an X-Man. Yesterday I saw him pruning the bushes with his scissor hands.

You know, I am an X-man. Sadly, my mutant power is the ability to take an amusing news story and turn it into a painfully predictable joke.

Yikes and more yikes
*A Colorado climber, 27-year-old Aron Ralston of Aspen, amputated his own arm just below the elbow with a pocket knife, four days after becoming pinned by a boulder, then he rappelled down a sixty foot cliff and hiked to safety and is in the hospital. It happened in Moab, Utah. Moab now stands for My Other Arm’s Behind.

He cut off his arm. The toughest thing I’ve ever had to do was the dreaded fly unzip in the bathroom after I accidentally zipped myself up.

On second thought, he isn’t the only tough guy around here; yesterday my automatic garage door wouldn’t open so I had to open the garage door using my bare hands.

Not another one . . .
*First Iowa State basketball coach, Larry Eustachy, was caught drunk and kissing girls at a college party, now Mike Price was fired by Alabama without coaching a single football game because of a night at a topless bar. Look for the new video: “Coaches Gone Wild.”

Mike Price was fired by Alabama without coaching a football game because of a night at a topless bar. Price was hired because he said he could handle Auburn. It turns out it wasn’t Alabama’s rival Auburn University Price was talking about, it was Auburn the red-haired stripper.

If the snit does not fit
*In letters from death-row, the convicted killer of 7-year-old Danielle van Dam, David Westerfield, claims he was framed by 1, the police, and 2, Danielle’s parents. Who does this guy think he is, Johnny Cochran?

Boy has he found a home in Paris
*In an article in the French sports daily L'Equipe's magazine, Richard Williams, says he won't salute the flag because of racism in the United States. That sound you just heard is Serena and Venus’s corporate sponsors at Wilson and Reebok, hitting the liquor cabinet.

Now, sure, that may sound horribly unpatriotic, but give Williams a break, he was in France where Anti-American-ism is more contagious than SARS.

Apparently Williams had the same jet lag problem as the Dixie Chicks did in London: his mouth was three time zones ahead of his brain.

Long odds
*The Detroit Tigers are 4-25. How bad are the Tigers? In Las Vegas, you can get better odds on Kentucky Derby winner Funny Cide siring a winning colt than the Tigers winning the World Series: And Funny Cide is a gelding.

What a shock
*A U.S. psychology association found violent lyrics in songs increase aggression-related thoughts and could create a more hostile environment. Many artists disagree, in fact, rumor has it rapper Snoop Doggy Dog was going to publicly deny a link to lyrics and violence, but he had to go testify to the police about being shot at last month.

How low do they go?
*The Supreme Court has ruled the states can sue telemarketers who lie about money for charities. The lawyers for telemarketers were upset by this decision. Does it come any lower on the food chain than that, being a lawyer for telemarketers? Maybe a terrorist’s personal assistant.