Friday, May 09, 2003

We representin', ‘cause we done tested positive for G A M E, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers*

Pass the Beer Goggles
*Did you see the picture of fired Alabama coach Mike Price’s favorite dancer, Lora “Destiny” Boudreaux? Now, I don’t want to pass judgment, but even Bill Clinton was wondering what the heck Price was thinking about.

To put it in football terms, I hope for Price’s sake “Destiny” has a nice game uniform, because she sure has one beat-up practice helmet.

How ugly was she? If “Destiny” fell asleep on that Colorado mountain climber who cut his arm off, he would gladly cut off his other arm.

Who did she look like? Remember that commercial with the Wiemaranier-dog in the blonde wig? Bingo.

Go what’s your name
*The Minnesota Wild avoided elimination with a 5-1 win over the Vancover Canucks. What a relief, whew, the Wild live to fight again. I just have one question: what the hell is the Minnesota Wild?

Hunka hunka dead flesh
*Elvis Presley was number two in VH 1’s “100 Sexiest Artist” list. How does it make the other 98 sexy artists feel to know they finished behind a dead guy?

*On VH 1’s “100 Sexiest Artist” list, Christine Aguilera, finished an almost insulting 62nd, even behind the ugly punk-grunge band Garbage. I’m not a celebrity stylist, but maybe that whole, I-am-the-scankiest-slut-in-the-universe look ain’t workin’ so good for Christine.

*Have you seen Christine Aguilera lately? I don’t want to sound old, but Christine wears more make-up and metal piercing’s than a gay motorcycle gang.

Poor little things
*Michael Jordan was fired as the Washington Wizard’s president. Apparently, when Jordan called the younger Wizard players immature, spoiled and unmotivated, they got so upset, they ran sobbing to their private masseuses for a spirit-lifting rub-down and then took a nap.

Still, it’s an improvement
*Mike Shula, Don Shula’s son, has left the Miami Dolphins and probably will be named the new coach of Alabama. The good news? Shula said he doesn’t like strippers. The bad news? Shula said he is more of a hooker man.

Alabama was said to be looking for a coach who had no interest in female erotic dancers and was willing to spend more time bonding with the players in the locker room, but after the only person to show any interest in the job was Richard Simmons, they decided to hire Shula.

*From a clip I saw of Jamie Kennedy.” That kid is so painfully funny, I may go see that movie "Malibu's Most Wanted" which, when I first heard about it, you couldn’t have made me go with a glock pointed all up in my headizzle, yo.