Don't be playuh hatin' up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Uh oh
In New York, a federal judge awarded almost $104 million in damages to some of the families of the Sept. 11 terror attacks, saying they proved Iraq provided material support to Osama bin Laden. Forget about the bunker buster bombs and the special forces, now Saddam Hussein is in serious trouble, he has a trial attorney after him.


Tee off
The Boston Globe suspended sports writer Bob Ryan for saying that New Jersey Nets star Jason Kidd’s wife needed someone to “smack her.” On the bright side for Ryan, he was instantly offered a membership at Augusta by president Hootie Johnson.

Not me
It has been three days since Cinco de Mayo. How many of you can finally hear the word Tequila shooter without throwing up?


We can only hope
Vice President Dick Cheney has agreed to be President Bush's running mate in 2004. Can you believe it? Somebody actually found Dick Cheney. There’s hope we might someday find Saddam.


He never quits
An audiotape purportedly from Saddam has emerged urging his countrymen to fight foreign occupation. Another tape from the Iraqi Information minister has emerged urging Iraqi’s just to deny the foreign occupation.

A lot of Grip, yo
Qusay, Saddam’s son, reportedly withdrew over a billion dollars before the coalition forces attacked Iraq. A billion dollars. The ATM receipt alone weighed fifty pounds.

Ahh, that’s nice to see
There are signs all over the world that things are getting back to normal after the war in Iraq. Why, just yesterday in Paris, a waiter intentionally ignored an American tourist, not because he was against U.S. involvement in the war, but just because he was rude and snotty.

Sent down
Remember the reporter that, during the campaign, President Bush was overheard describing to Dick Cheney as “a major league a**hole for the New York Times,” Adam Clymer? Some sad news. Today he was demoted to the triple A minor league a***holes.

It hurt, is what I’m sayin’
The Los Angeles Lakers play game two against the San Antonio after losing game one. Did you see that personal foul Laker’s Robert Horry committed against the Spurs’ David Robinson? Let’s just say Horry did everything but give Robinson the turn and cough test.

I had girlfriends in high school who didn’t get as intimate with me as Horry got with Robinson.

It was bad was Robinson hit? Let’s just say that, after that foul, Kentucky Derby winner Funny Cide isn’t the only gelding in the sports news.

Even Aron Ralston – the mountain climber who cut his arm off – winced when he say that foul.

The only good news for David Robinson? Next year, when he retires from basketball, he can sing lead soprano for the Vienna Boys Choir.

Man, I am on a roll . . . just like Robinson’s boys.


Kids at the pool
The iLoo being developed by a division of Microsoft Corp. in Britain is a standard portable toilet - a loo to the English - with a wireless keyboard and extending, height-adjustable plasma screen in front of the seat. Talk about multi-tasking. Now you can download . . . while you download.

Ouch again
And I mentioned this mountain climber Aron Ralston whose arm was pinned by a boulder so he had to cut it off? Details are coming out. It turns out the blade on his Swiss Army knife was broken. He had to use those tiny little scissors. This kid is tough.


Speaking of cutting
And Funny Cide won the Kentucky Derby last Saturday. In case you didn’t know, Funny Cide is a gelding, which basically makes him the most famous eunuch since Madonna’s husband Guy Ritchie.

Now, I know Funny Cide is a horse, but still, as a guy, that’s brutal. We have a male dog Wrigley who we had fixed. I swear, sometimes when he stared at me, I could almost hear him say; “What’d you do with them, you bastard?”