Saturday, May 03, 2003

Knock 'em a kiss, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What is green and travels backwards inside of an evil dictator?
Did you see that last Saddam Hussein video? It was not pleasant. It was the Mother of all snot clearings.

If those bunker bombs didn’t kill him, those luggies will.

When did Saddam Hussein turn into the late great Chicago Cubs announcer Harry Carey?

Once again
*A Colorado climber, 27-year-old Aron Ralston of Aspen, amputated his own arm just below the elbow with a pocket knife, five days after becoming pinned by a boulder, then he rappelled down a sixty foot cliff and hiked to safety and is in the hospital. And you thought you had a rough day.

“Oh man, my clients and my boss were all over by butt today. It was brutal. And you?”

“Not bad. I got my arm crushed by a thousand pound boulder, was trapped for days without food and water, cut off my arm with a pocket knife, climbed down a sixty foot sheer cliff and then hiked for miles to the hospital. Other than that, it was OK.”

He’s not the only tough guy, you know. Yesterday, my automatic garage door opener didn’t work, so I had to open the garage door just using my bare hands.

We didn’t really have to go to trouble of bringing our forces to Iraq. We just could have told him about this guy and said he is just a normal American guy, and Iraq would have surrendered.

Man, I almost didn't go run today because it is drizzling. Three words: Americans are tough.

Since you asked:

I ain’t frontin’ you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, I am a little disappointed at some of you. Who the heck is buying that CD by Madonna? It's frickin' number one? Forget that the critics say the music sucks more than a Trenton crack whore, how about the fact that she didn’t just say she disapproved of President Bush, ala the Dixie Chicks, she made an entire video slamming the guy complete with tossing him a grenade. And then she weaseled her way out and yanked the video.

Besides, Madonna herself told us she didn’t want you to buy her CD. Well, maybe not in so many words, but what else could she have meant when she said that she is tired of being rich and famous? We have to chip in and help this poor woman, folks. If you keep buying her damn CD, she isn’t going to be the poor nobody she so yearns to be.

How does this woman do it? I have been places and et' in Hotels, as they say in the South, and I have never even met anyone who would ever admit under torture to ever buying a Madonna CD. How is buying this thing?

Don't make me come over there, now. Stop buying Madonna's CD.

Friday, May 02, 2003

This dog is all ass, Torn Slatterns and Nugget ranchers

That’s not what we meant by a tip, Sir
*Police in Vancouver, Canada arrested a man who pulled into a McDonald’s drive-thru naked from the waist down. You know who I feel sorry for? The next valet attendant who parks his car.

High five. Oh, sorry
*A Colorado climber, 27-year-old Aaron Ralston of Aspen, amputated his own arm just below the elbow with a pocket knife, five days after becoming pinned by a boulder, then he rappelled down the cliff and hiked to safety. And I think I am tough when I bite off a hangnail

Think about that guy the next time you whine about a paper cut.

Upon hearing this, former President Bill Clinton remarked; “That had to be one ugly rock.”

That’s remarkable, let’s give him a hand.

Just like her
*What is the deal with airline pilots? They are drunk, armed and naked. Just like my Mother-in-law at our wedding reception.

Mon Dieu
*Did you see President Bush arrive on the deck of the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln? He hopped out wearing a flight suit and a helmet. Bush looked so impressive that four observing French dignitaries instantly surrendered.

How old are they?
There is a “Beverly Hills 90210” reunion show planned. It’s a special occasion, this year, 90210 is the combined ages of the actors.

It will be fun to see how Shannon Doherty has changed from a surly, little bratty young bitch and blossomed into a grumpy, bitter, big ol’ bitch.

*There really is a “Beverly Hills 90210” reunion show planned. To give you an idea how long ago it was, at the beginning of “90210” the character’s cell phones were bigger than their egos.

It hasn’t been easy for the cast since the show. They had to deal with all of the jealousy issues associated with the post “90210” successes of Torrey Spelling and Brian Austin Green.

In a special surprise for the “90210” reunion, they have gathered up all of the spare parts left over from her plastic surgeries and will present them to Torrey Spelling.

Shake and bake
The South is still talking about that earthquake that hit earlier this week. It was so strong that in Mississippi it shook a guy and girl into bed who weren’t even related.

Since you asked:

Spring is in the air, Nuggies and Slats. As my adorable daughter, Ann Caroline, remarked,

“The birds are chirping because they are happy they have made their nests so their babies can come out of their eggs.”

Not bad for a fourteen-year-old, huh? Just kidding, she is four.

That’s just one of the differences between a sweet innocent child's mind and her grumpy, surly Dad, ala me. My take is that there is a bird outside my office that is intentionally repeatedly chirping the theme song to “The Dick Van Dyke Show” or “Magilla Gorrilla” - they are almost identical - just to gaslight me into insanity.

Personally, as a registered and radical Independent, I think it is all part of a combined Left Wing and Right Wing conspiracy. Hah. Get it? Wings? Birds? Oh, never mind. Sheesh.

Frau Blucher (Neigh, whiney)

A rrrrriioooot eesh un ugly ‘ting, Nuggies and Slats.

And who could ever forget Madeline Kahn’s (bless her departed soul) inspired rendition of:

“Swwweeeeeeeeeeet myyyyyyyyystery of life at laaaaaaaaaaaaaaast I’ve foooooound youuuuu.”

And Gene Hackman’s hilarious line:

“ . . . an incredibly big mute.”

How long has it been since you’ve seen the great “Young Frankenstein”? Treat yourselves, kids, go rent it. As Bill Murray once said about “Caddy Shack” "Young Frankenstein" is arguably the greatest movie ever made, provided it is a drunken argument.

Caught “Young Frankenstein” last night, and it is hilarious. Every scene has at least one out-loud belly laugh. But I was struck by something I hadn’t noticed before. The two women in Frederick Von Frankenstein’s (Gene Wilder) life are two exact personifications of the two kinds of women I went out with: first the girls in high school, and then the women in college and beyond.

Madeline Kahn’s character, Elizabeth, is a cartoon-like accumulation of all of the rich, social, spoiled, snotty and prudish girls I chased in vain around suburban Illinois in High School in the mid-Seventies. (Not that all the girls from there were like that, just the ones I dated) All that was missing was the cheerleader sweater. And Terry Garr’s sweet, wholesome, fun but sexy Inga is like the girls I dated in college -sans the ambiguous accent – in Santa Barbara, especially Julie, and like the girls I went with after college in New York and San Diego. Thankfully, Inga is also like the girl I married, sweet Virginia. (Although, trust me, she has her Elizabeth moments . . . just kidding, hon'.)

Why didn’t I notice that discrepancy in personality types when the movie came out, which was when I was in High School, and amend the error of my dating ways back then? Because, Slats and Nuggies, when you are young – with very few notable exceptions – you are stupid.

Sedagive?! Sedagive?!

Thursday, May 01, 2003

We got all kinds of Shiznit up in this Hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Upright and locked position
*Police in Vancouver, Canada arrested a man who pulled into a McDonald’s drive-thru naked from the waist down. After that, McDonald’s cancelled their Southwest Air Pilot discount.

You know who I feel sorry for? The poor guy who details this clown's car.

*Did you hear about this? Two Southwest Airlines pilots were fired after stripping down naked during a flight. Kind of brings new meaning to the term cockpit.

Pick up my drycleaning, oh, and find the real killers
*A Florida woman is charged with stabbing her son in the buttocks because he wouldn’t get up for work. You know what was ironic? He was late for his job as O.J. Simpson’s personal assistant.

*The entire Los Angeles area is ranked first in a survey of America’s smoggiest cities. Yeah, they’re number one. Los Angeles hasn’t been this proud since they announced L.A. as the murder capital of the US.

In fact, it is so smoggy there, it’s hard to see the bodies that made L.A. the murder capital of the U.S.

The Los Angelinos like to think of it as preferring their air chunky-style.

Who do I have to **** to get in?
*People Magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful issue is out. I got hosed again.

Now that’s bad
*The Texas Rangers are in a last place tie in the AL West. If that wasn’t bad enough, things just got worse for the Rangers; Today President Bush said he is more ashamed that the Rangers are from Texas than he is ashamed that the Dixie Chicks are.

I’ll be your Tennessee lamb
*The Dixie Chicks are set to open their US tour in South Carolina. I think the tour is called Operation Dixie Chickdom.

On second thought, I think the tour is called Operation Sucking-Up.

The bad news for the Dixie Chicks? Geraldo Rivera is going to be embedded on the tour.

This poor idiot
*The Iowa State basketball coach, 48-year-old Larry Eustachy, was suspended and may be fired after photographs in the Des Moines Register showed that he drank and kissed girls at a Missouri college party. When I was in college, we actually had a name for middle-aged guys who partied with us: Pathetic losers.

*The Iowa State basketball coach, 48-year-old Larry Eustachy, was suspended and may be fired after photographs in the Des Moines Register showed that he drank and kissed girls at a Missouri college party. That is the worst thing they could do to the guy: suspend him and force him to spend time with his wife.

The worst part for coach Eustachy? He was photographed drinking a Zima.

Beat this, Bonds
*Barry Bonds hit two home runs to lift the San Francisco Giants over the Chicago Cubs 5-0. The rule-of- thumb is to not let Bonds beat you. You know the best way to beat Bonds? Challenge him to a urine test.

Shock and Aweful
*In Iraq yesterday, a bunch of American G.I.’s challenged some Iraqi kids to a soccer game, and the Iraqi kids won the game 7-0. Finally the Iraqis beat us in something and that poor Iraqi Information Minister is nowhere to be found.

It was 77 – 0 according to the Iraqi Information minister.

Can I just say one thing? Ewwwwwwwww
*The ratings for Monica Lewinsky’s new show "Mr. Personality” fell 29% from last week. You can tell the producers are getting desperate. Monica will host the next show wearing the stained blue dress.

Since you asked:

To quote the John Malkovich character in “Being John Malkovich” played by John Malkovich, I have seen a world no man should see.

Yesterday, at the gym, I was a captive audience on the stair master to two women yammering about their pregnancies, one's current pregnancy, the other's past. Here is my question: Is nothing off limits or sacred to women?

Forget that they a, either didn’t notice me, or b, didn’t care that I was in earshot, these women went into indescribably sordid detail. This was one part:

Yammerer One: Did your husband notice a difference with your vagina after you had the baby?

Yammerer Two: Oh, please. Like I wanted to have sex afterwards. Besides, he is so small it wouldn’t matter.

(Both convulsed into laughter as I shrank in horror)

Finally they were finished. Yammerer one turned to Yammerer two and said;

‘Well, it’s been good to talk to you. What’s your name?”

I almost fell off my machine. Oh my God. These two were total strangers. If a guy turned to me on his stair master and asked; “Which team do you like in this game?”

I would say: “Hey Pal, that’s kinda personal.”

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

You're good right there, you know what I'm sayin', Torn Slatterns and Nugger Ranchers?

That bad, huh?
*The Detroit Tigers are 3-21 and playing horribly. Right now, the Tigers are the baseball equivalent of the Dixie Chicks.

How bad is it? The Tigers can’t wait to travel to Toronto just in the hopes that they will contract SARS and be put out of their misery.

Consider the source
*The Rev. Jerry Falwell called the Dixie Chicks three ``French Hens.'' To which the Dixie Chicks responded; “Please, we prefer the term Freedom Hens to French Hens.”

The Dixie Chicks shouldn’t be too concerned. Falwell is the same guy who accused sexless children’s purple Tele Tubby character, Tinky Winky, of being a homosexual.

Hate to hear that
*The Texas Rangers are in last place in the AL West. If that wasn’t bad enough, things just got worse for the Rangers; Today they announced they are ashamed President Bush is from Texas.

It’s sad, sad situation
*The Iowa State basketball coach, 48-year-old Larry Eustachy, said he used bad judgment when photographs in the Des Moines Register showed that he partied hard – including kissing young girls - with Missouri college students. The pictures prove, once again, that there is nothing sadder than a middle-aged guy trying to be young. Straight up, Dudes.

The University issued a statement saying that Eustachy would receive an appropriate reprimand. The guy is married with kids. There is no punishment the school could give him that wouldn’t seem like a trip to Maui compared to what his wife is going to do to him.

Instant Replay
*Chicago manager Dusty Baker won in his first game back in San Francisco as the Cubs beat the Giants 4-2. There was a scary but touching moment before the game: Baker was about to receive his NL championship ring from San Francisco general manager Brian Sabean at home plate, but, first, J.T. Snow had to run up and scoop-up little Darren Baker out of harms way.

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

It be mad crazy tough all up in this here pizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

It’s a sign
Yesterday was Saddam Hussein’s birthday. Yep, Ol’ 666 turned 66.

That's the plan, my man
*The Palestinian parliament confirmed a prime minister, clearing the final obstacle to the launch of a U.S.-backed Mideast plan. It is amazing what a little shock and awe can do for proposed U.S. foreign plans.

Beer bong not included
The Iowa State basketball coach, Larry Eustachy, married with two kids, said he used bad judgment when photographs in the Des Moines Register showed that he partied hard – including kissing and getting kissed by young girls - with a bunch of Missouri college students. I’ll say he used bad judgment. What kind of idiot allows ironclad evidence like photographs?

Look for Eustachy in “Old School 2”

Wait until PETA hears this
*In Clearlake CA, Dosha, a dog that survived being hit by a car, shot in the head, and then thrown in a freezer for a long time, is almost ready to go home. Has anyone checked on Ted Williams lately?

Kind of brings new meaning to the term playing dead.

Shake that Hootie, err, bootie
*An earthquake near Atlanta GA rattled windows and bookshelves early today. It was pretty strong. It actually shook a woman into the Augusta National Clubhouse.

Is that all?
*“Will and Grace” co-star Shelly Morrison, who plays Rosario, was arrested in West Los Angeles for shoplifting over $400 of goods. Or as Winona Ryder calls $400 of goods, petty theft.

Like Father like . . . what were we talking about? Hic.
*Jack Osbourne, the 17-year-old son of Ozzie Osbourne, has checked into a rehab center. Gosh, where could he have picked up those habits?

Asked to comment, Ozzie wiped a tear of happiness and said; “That’s my boy, I am so proud.”

Apparently he is following in his father’s stagger.

Ozzie said; “Wuzzz apple vizza didn’t heh heh snuss far huzzah from the tree.

Rumor has it Ozzie found out that Jack went to a party and drank mineral water all night, so Ozzie tossed him into rehab.

Material Shrew
In a British interview, Madonna said that being rich and famous is over-rated . . . but being a slut is pretty fun.

No problem, Madonna, sweety, sugar-britches, if you are so sick of being rich and famous, just hand over your wealth and notoriety, and you can take my spot as broke-ass unknown comedy writer. Deal? I won't hold my breath.

Since you asked:
Straight up, word, props, peeps, yo money dog.

And while I am at it, let’s begin a segment of Words, expressions, slang or terms that should be buried because they are dead.

How about if we start with “I’m all about . .. fill-in-the-blank”? It officially died when I heard it on a truly lame – not that there is any other kind – McDonalds commercial. “I’m all about the Big ‘N Tasty burger.” Folks, when a bunch of advertising hacks are using a term to try and sound cool to the youth of today, that phrase is officially dead.

Why don’t we stop the use of ghetto street slang by anyone not from the ghetto? Sorry, but if you’re not from the ‘hood, you cannot say ‘hood, unless you are being blatantly ironic (Note my introductions) or talking about a sweatshirt or car.

And it should be legal for me – or anyone else – to walk up and slap some spoiled, doofus, white kid gang-banger wannabe, who just blasted Hip Hop out his Mom’s Range Rover and then walked into Starbucks and said;

“Yo, yo, check it, ahhh-ight, gives me a non-fat Latte-izzle, B”

That is justifiable slap-age, right there. And would people PLEASE stop using words incorrectly to try and sound smart? You might as well hold up a sign saying; “I’m a posing putz.”

Believe me, I am no – as you can probably tell – grammar or usage expert, but if even I know that fortuitous does not mean lucky, you should also. Fortuitous means random. Serendipitous means good fortune. Those whacko serial killer snipers in Maryland picked their victims fortuitously.

And stop using literally so much. At my gym, I overheard a woman yammer to her friend that she was tired by saying;

“I am literally dead.”

The wise-ass in me almost asked;

“You are dead? That’s amazing. Shouldn’t you be lying down? What did you die from, SARS?”

Aren’t we supposed to assume someone is being literal? Unless they are using a phrase that might be confused for an expression, like “He is out to lunch”, meaning he has gone to eat, not meaning he is crazy, then literally works. Otherwise, only alert us if something is metaphorical or figurative.

This trying-to-sound-smart-but-instead-sounding-like-a-moron holds especially true for irregardless and at this point in time. There is no word irregardless. The word is regardless. And what does at this point in time mean? It means now. That point in time? Then.

How about you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers? What hackneyed phrase or word drives you crazy?

E-mail me at

P.S. You know what would be a great "The Jamie Kennedy Experiment"-like skit? Secretly film a hip-looking black guy going into a classically uptight traditionally white location, like Starbucks in Beverly Hills, and have him strike up conversations using totally made-up street-sounding lingo, and see if the white folks respond.

Hip Black Guy: Yo, yo, my man, Scooter Donkey.

White guy: Uh, yeah, Scooter Donkey right back at you, my man.

It would be classic. I know I would be Scooter Donkey'ing to people right and left.

Monday, April 28, 2003

It's your thing, do whatchya wanna do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bad news good news
“Will and Grace” co-star Shelly Morrison, who plays Rosario, was arrested in West Los Angeles for shoplifting over $400 of goods. The good news is that Morrison now will star with Winona Ryder in a sequel to “Snatch.”

On the Rivera, part ten
*Saturday, in a solemn address to influential journalists, President Bush paid tribute to the war reporters in Iraq. Apparently Geraldo Rivera’s invitation was lost in the mail.

They would have invited Geraldo, but they couldn’t find him; Geraldo isn’t allowed to report on his current location.

Have you heard about the new book? It has pictures of American troops in Iraqi battlefields and you have to report on Geraldo Rivera’s location. It’s called; “Where’s Geraldo?”

Hush money
*On TNT Charles Barkley said he uses the controversial weight loss drug Ephedra. Have you seen how fat Barkley is lately? After the show, Ephedra, struck in endorsement deal with Barkley: they will pay him as long as he never mentions Ephedra ever again.

Oh say can you remember?
*Did you see Portland Trailblazers coach Mo Cheeks help the poor girl who blanked while singing the National Anthem? It was very touching, but as a singer, Mo Cheeks is a tremendous basketball coach.

The only other time Cheeks helped somebody to sing is when he told his players to rat on their fellow crime perpetrators.

She did a great job of singing with Cheeks help. Well, right up to the end when she sang; “For the land of the free and the home of the whatever.”

I’ll bite, how tricky is it?
*Mike Tyson got a license to fight in California. It is tricky getting Tyson a boxing license because he also has to get a rabies tag and a restaurant license in case he bites someone.

That makes sense
*The U.S. has sent Def. Sec. Donald Rumsfeld to Iraq to try and “Curb their resentment” of the U.S. In addition, they have sent “Seinfeld” co-creator and HBO star Larry David over to “Curb Their Enthusiasm.”

So is Magic
*His fellow Los Angeles Lakers admitted that, although he doesn’t do it very much, last night Shaquille O’Neal had a serious look in his eyes and dominated the Minnesota Timberwolves to tie their series 2-2. Upon hearing that Shaq only gets serious when he feels like it, Larry Bird began spinning in his grave, and he isn’t dead yet.

How do the British pronounce Hypocrite?
*In a London interview, Madonna said that Americans are too concerned with being rich and famous. This is from a woman whose entire life has been devoted to the insanely obsessed pursuit of wealth and fame. It’s like Michael Jackson advising people to not wear too much makeup.

In the pants, Lance
*Lance Armstrong and his separated wife are going to try and get back together. He promises he isn’t going to ignore her for his bike. In other words, Lance is going to spend less time in the saddle, and more time in the saddle, if you know what I mean.

Go New Millennium
Despite losing their last two series to San Diego and Colorado, the Chicago Cubs are still two games in first place. Cubs fans are starting to get excited that the Cubs might break out of their second 0-for-the-century slump.