Thursday, May 01, 2003

We got all kinds of Shiznit up in this Hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Upright and locked position
*Police in Vancouver, Canada arrested a man who pulled into a McDonald’s drive-thru naked from the waist down. After that, McDonald’s cancelled their Southwest Air Pilot discount.

You know who I feel sorry for? The poor guy who details this clown's car.

*Did you hear about this? Two Southwest Airlines pilots were fired after stripping down naked during a flight. Kind of brings new meaning to the term cockpit.

Pick up my drycleaning, oh, and find the real killers
*A Florida woman is charged with stabbing her son in the buttocks because he wouldn’t get up for work. You know what was ironic? He was late for his job as O.J. Simpson’s personal assistant.

*The entire Los Angeles area is ranked first in a survey of America’s smoggiest cities. Yeah, they’re number one. Los Angeles hasn’t been this proud since they announced L.A. as the murder capital of the US.

In fact, it is so smoggy there, it’s hard to see the bodies that made L.A. the murder capital of the U.S.

The Los Angelinos like to think of it as preferring their air chunky-style.

Who do I have to **** to get in?
*People Magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful issue is out. I got hosed again.

Now that’s bad
*The Texas Rangers are in a last place tie in the AL West. If that wasn’t bad enough, things just got worse for the Rangers; Today President Bush said he is more ashamed that the Rangers are from Texas than he is ashamed that the Dixie Chicks are.

I’ll be your Tennessee lamb
*The Dixie Chicks are set to open their US tour in South Carolina. I think the tour is called Operation Dixie Chickdom.

On second thought, I think the tour is called Operation Sucking-Up.

The bad news for the Dixie Chicks? Geraldo Rivera is going to be embedded on the tour.

This poor idiot
*The Iowa State basketball coach, 48-year-old Larry Eustachy, was suspended and may be fired after photographs in the Des Moines Register showed that he drank and kissed girls at a Missouri college party. When I was in college, we actually had a name for middle-aged guys who partied with us: Pathetic losers.

*The Iowa State basketball coach, 48-year-old Larry Eustachy, was suspended and may be fired after photographs in the Des Moines Register showed that he drank and kissed girls at a Missouri college party. That is the worst thing they could do to the guy: suspend him and force him to spend time with his wife.

The worst part for coach Eustachy? He was photographed drinking a Zima.

Beat this, Bonds
*Barry Bonds hit two home runs to lift the San Francisco Giants over the Chicago Cubs 5-0. The rule-of- thumb is to not let Bonds beat you. You know the best way to beat Bonds? Challenge him to a urine test.

Shock and Aweful
*In Iraq yesterday, a bunch of American G.I.’s challenged some Iraqi kids to a soccer game, and the Iraqi kids won the game 7-0. Finally the Iraqis beat us in something and that poor Iraqi Information Minister is nowhere to be found.

It was 77 – 0 according to the Iraqi Information minister.

Can I just say one thing? Ewwwwwwwww
*The ratings for Monica Lewinsky’s new show "Mr. Personality” fell 29% from last week. You can tell the producers are getting desperate. Monica will host the next show wearing the stained blue dress.

Since you asked:

To quote the John Malkovich character in “Being John Malkovich” played by John Malkovich, I have seen a world no man should see.

Yesterday, at the gym, I was a captive audience on the stair master to two women yammering about their pregnancies, one's current pregnancy, the other's past. Here is my question: Is nothing off limits or sacred to women?

Forget that they a, either didn’t notice me, or b, didn’t care that I was in earshot, these women went into indescribably sordid detail. This was one part:

Yammerer One: Did your husband notice a difference with your vagina after you had the baby?

Yammerer Two: Oh, please. Like I wanted to have sex afterwards. Besides, he is so small it wouldn’t matter.

(Both convulsed into laughter as I shrank in horror)

Finally they were finished. Yammerer one turned to Yammerer two and said;

‘Well, it’s been good to talk to you. What’s your name?”

I almost fell off my machine. Oh my God. These two were total strangers. If a guy turned to me on his stair master and asked; “Which team do you like in this game?”

I would say: “Hey Pal, that’s kinda personal.”