Knock 'em a kiss, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What is green and travels backwards inside of an evil dictator?
Did you see that last Saddam Hussein video? It was not pleasant. It was the Mother of all snot clearings.

If those bunker bombs didn’t kill him, those luggies will.

When did Saddam Hussein turn into the late great Chicago Cubs announcer Harry Carey?

Once again
*A Colorado climber, 27-year-old Aron Ralston of Aspen, amputated his own arm just below the elbow with a pocket knife, five days after becoming pinned by a boulder, then he rappelled down a sixty foot cliff and hiked to safety and is in the hospital. And you thought you had a rough day.

“Oh man, my clients and my boss were all over by butt today. It was brutal. And you?”

“Not bad. I got my arm crushed by a thousand pound boulder, was trapped for days without food and water, cut off my arm with a pocket knife, climbed down a sixty foot sheer cliff and then hiked for miles to the hospital. Other than that, it was OK.”

He’s not the only tough guy, you know. Yesterday, my automatic garage door opener didn’t work, so I had to open the garage door just using my bare hands.

We didn’t really have to go to trouble of bringing our forces to Iraq. We just could have told him about this guy and said he is just a normal American guy, and Iraq would have surrendered.

Man, I almost didn't go run today because it is drizzling. Three words: Americans are tough.

Since you asked:

I ain’t frontin’ you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, I am a little disappointed at some of you. Who the heck is buying that CD by Madonna? It's frickin' number one? Forget that the critics say the music sucks more than a Trenton crack whore, how about the fact that she didn’t just say she disapproved of President Bush, ala the Dixie Chicks, she made an entire video slamming the guy complete with tossing him a grenade. And then she weaseled her way out and yanked the video.

Besides, Madonna herself told us she didn’t want you to buy her CD. Well, maybe not in so many words, but what else could she have meant when she said that she is tired of being rich and famous? We have to chip in and help this poor woman, folks. If you keep buying her damn CD, she isn’t going to be the poor nobody she so yearns to be.

How does this woman do it? I have been places and et' in Hotels, as they say in the South, and I have never even met anyone who would ever admit under torture to ever buying a Madonna CD. How is buying this thing?

Don't make me come over there, now. Stop buying Madonna's CD.