It's your thing, do whatchya wanna do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bad news good news
“Will and Grace” co-star Shelly Morrison, who plays Rosario, was arrested in West Los Angeles for shoplifting over $400 of goods. The good news is that Morrison now will star with Winona Ryder in a sequel to “Snatch.”

On the Rivera, part ten
*Saturday, in a solemn address to influential journalists, President Bush paid tribute to the war reporters in Iraq. Apparently Geraldo Rivera’s invitation was lost in the mail.

They would have invited Geraldo, but they couldn’t find him; Geraldo isn’t allowed to report on his current location.

Have you heard about the new book? It has pictures of American troops in Iraqi battlefields and you have to report on Geraldo Rivera’s location. It’s called; “Where’s Geraldo?”

Hush money
*On TNT Charles Barkley said he uses the controversial weight loss drug Ephedra. Have you seen how fat Barkley is lately? After the show, Ephedra, struck in endorsement deal with Barkley: they will pay him as long as he never mentions Ephedra ever again.

Oh say can you remember?
*Did you see Portland Trailblazers coach Mo Cheeks help the poor girl who blanked while singing the National Anthem? It was very touching, but as a singer, Mo Cheeks is a tremendous basketball coach.

The only other time Cheeks helped somebody to sing is when he told his players to rat on their fellow crime perpetrators.

She did a great job of singing with Cheeks help. Well, right up to the end when she sang; “For the land of the free and the home of the whatever.”

I’ll bite, how tricky is it?
*Mike Tyson got a license to fight in California. It is tricky getting Tyson a boxing license because he also has to get a rabies tag and a restaurant license in case he bites someone.

That makes sense
*The U.S. has sent Def. Sec. Donald Rumsfeld to Iraq to try and “Curb their resentment” of the U.S. In addition, they have sent “Seinfeld” co-creator and HBO star Larry David over to “Curb Their Enthusiasm.”

So is Magic
*His fellow Los Angeles Lakers admitted that, although he doesn’t do it very much, last night Shaquille O’Neal had a serious look in his eyes and dominated the Minnesota Timberwolves to tie their series 2-2. Upon hearing that Shaq only gets serious when he feels like it, Larry Bird began spinning in his grave, and he isn’t dead yet.

How do the British pronounce Hypocrite?
*In a London interview, Madonna said that Americans are too concerned with being rich and famous. This is from a woman whose entire life has been devoted to the insanely obsessed pursuit of wealth and fame. It’s like Michael Jackson advising people to not wear too much makeup.

In the pants, Lance
*Lance Armstrong and his separated wife are going to try and get back together. He promises he isn’t going to ignore her for his bike. In other words, Lance is going to spend less time in the saddle, and more time in the saddle, if you know what I mean.

Go New Millennium
Despite losing their last two series to San Diego and Colorado, the Chicago Cubs are still two games in first place. Cubs fans are starting to get excited that the Cubs might break out of their second 0-for-the-century slump.