Friday, May 02, 2003

This dog is all ass, Torn Slatterns and Nugget ranchers

That’s not what we meant by a tip, Sir
*Police in Vancouver, Canada arrested a man who pulled into a McDonald’s drive-thru naked from the waist down. You know who I feel sorry for? The next valet attendant who parks his car.

High five. Oh, sorry
*A Colorado climber, 27-year-old Aaron Ralston of Aspen, amputated his own arm just below the elbow with a pocket knife, five days after becoming pinned by a boulder, then he rappelled down the cliff and hiked to safety. And I think I am tough when I bite off a hangnail

Think about that guy the next time you whine about a paper cut.

Upon hearing this, former President Bill Clinton remarked; “That had to be one ugly rock.”

That’s remarkable, let’s give him a hand.

Just like her
*What is the deal with airline pilots? They are drunk, armed and naked. Just like my Mother-in-law at our wedding reception.

Mon Dieu
*Did you see President Bush arrive on the deck of the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln? He hopped out wearing a flight suit and a helmet. Bush looked so impressive that four observing French dignitaries instantly surrendered.

How old are they?
There is a “Beverly Hills 90210” reunion show planned. It’s a special occasion, this year, 90210 is the combined ages of the actors.

It will be fun to see how Shannon Doherty has changed from a surly, little bratty young bitch and blossomed into a grumpy, bitter, big ol’ bitch.

*There really is a “Beverly Hills 90210” reunion show planned. To give you an idea how long ago it was, at the beginning of “90210” the character’s cell phones were bigger than their egos.

It hasn’t been easy for the cast since the show. They had to deal with all of the jealousy issues associated with the post “90210” successes of Torrey Spelling and Brian Austin Green.

In a special surprise for the “90210” reunion, they have gathered up all of the spare parts left over from her plastic surgeries and will present them to Torrey Spelling.

Shake and bake
The South is still talking about that earthquake that hit earlier this week. It was so strong that in Mississippi it shook a guy and girl into bed who weren’t even related.

Since you asked:

Spring is in the air, Nuggies and Slats. As my adorable daughter, Ann Caroline, remarked,

“The birds are chirping because they are happy they have made their nests so their babies can come out of their eggs.”

Not bad for a fourteen-year-old, huh? Just kidding, she is four.

That’s just one of the differences between a sweet innocent child's mind and her grumpy, surly Dad, ala me. My take is that there is a bird outside my office that is intentionally repeatedly chirping the theme song to “The Dick Van Dyke Show” or “Magilla Gorrilla” - they are almost identical - just to gaslight me into insanity.

Personally, as a registered and radical Independent, I think it is all part of a combined Left Wing and Right Wing conspiracy. Hah. Get it? Wings? Birds? Oh, never mind. Sheesh.

Frau Blucher (Neigh, whiney)

A rrrrriioooot eesh un ugly ‘ting, Nuggies and Slats.

And who could ever forget Madeline Kahn’s (bless her departed soul) inspired rendition of:

“Swwweeeeeeeeeeet myyyyyyyyystery of life at laaaaaaaaaaaaaaast I’ve foooooound youuuuu.”

And Gene Hackman’s hilarious line:

“ . . . an incredibly big mute.”

How long has it been since you’ve seen the great “Young Frankenstein”? Treat yourselves, kids, go rent it. As Bill Murray once said about “Caddy Shack” "Young Frankenstein" is arguably the greatest movie ever made, provided it is a drunken argument.

Caught “Young Frankenstein” last night, and it is hilarious. Every scene has at least one out-loud belly laugh. But I was struck by something I hadn’t noticed before. The two women in Frederick Von Frankenstein’s (Gene Wilder) life are two exact personifications of the two kinds of women I went out with: first the girls in high school, and then the women in college and beyond.

Madeline Kahn’s character, Elizabeth, is a cartoon-like accumulation of all of the rich, social, spoiled, snotty and prudish girls I chased in vain around suburban Illinois in High School in the mid-Seventies. (Not that all the girls from there were like that, just the ones I dated) All that was missing was the cheerleader sweater. And Terry Garr’s sweet, wholesome, fun but sexy Inga is like the girls I dated in college -sans the ambiguous accent – in Santa Barbara, especially Julie, and like the girls I went with after college in New York and San Diego. Thankfully, Inga is also like the girl I married, sweet Virginia. (Although, trust me, she has her Elizabeth moments . . . just kidding, hon'.)

Why didn’t I notice that discrepancy in personality types when the movie came out, which was when I was in High School, and amend the error of my dating ways back then? Because, Slats and Nuggies, when you are young – with very few notable exceptions – you are stupid.

Sedagive?! Sedagive?!