Saturday, March 15, 2003

Oh no you di 'n't, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Tres so what?
As you know, the House changed the name of their French fries to freedom fries. You want to get back at the French? Pass an excise tax on everything that has Jerry Lewis in it.

In case you don’t know, the French consider Jerry Lewis a comic genius. Isn’t that kind of a backhanded compliment? It’s like Bill Clinton telling a woman she’s pretty. Thanks, but what do you know?

So that's where they came from
As you probably know, St. Patrick is the one who drove the snakes out of Ireland . . . and into the legal profession.

She will put the pop in Pop Star
A niece of terrorist Osama bin Laden, Waffa bin Laden, plans to launch herself as a pop star in the Great Britain. This is one time I wouldn’t mind seeing snippy “American Idol” judge Simon Cowel get truly ugly.

Waffa bin Laden. Are you effin' kidding me? Her uncle Osama always requests she sing; “You Light Up My Life.”

When Waffa Bin Laden sings "Midnight at the Oasis" the line, "send your camel to bed" takes on a whole new and ugly meaning.

It is really saying something when Michael Jackson's family isn't the whackiest family in the music business.

As a pop singer, Waffa bin Laden will bring new meaning to the term "blowing the roof off the joint."

Just when I didn't think it was possible for me to hate a singer more than Celine Dion.

My Sister Alma Mater (To my beloved UCSB) Update:

No sooner then I said that UCLA coach Steve Lavin put the ruin in Bruin, his team upset number one ranked Arizona. Then I said they may have put the B In in Bruin, then they lost to Oregon and are now out. Now the athletic director, Dan Guerrero, will put to Levin, the C U (as in later) in UCLA.

Since you asked:

In a San Diego citywide shocker here, the Chargers released 12- time consecutive All Pro linebacker Junior Seau. To many San Diegans, the Chargers without Seau is like a taco without fish.

Admittedly, I was never much of Junior Seau fan when I got to San Diego. In my mind he had way too many commercials, restaurants and self-aggrandizing celebratory tackle dances. Sure, he was good, but my old high school teammate – OK, I was on the sophomore team when he was a senior, but – Cleveland Brown perennial All Pro Clay Mathews was far better with much less fanfare.

But then Junior started to show his colors. Junior treated quarterbacks and running backs worse than the French treat deodorant. He was a team leader and the consummate professional. He did amazing things for the community, and he actually had a pretty good sense of humor, something very rare in pro jocks who generally take themselves far too seriously. I used to see Seau at my gym in Solana Beach, and he was always friendly to everybody. (When he wasn’t asking me for training tips . . . (Sniff, throat-clear, teeth-suck, groan, sigh and belt tug of confidence)

But when Junior really had me – and it wasn’t at hello – was when he cold-cocked the biggest jerk in sports history, Ryan Leaf at practice. Junior, before anyone else in the media, figured Leaf to be the selfish jerk that he was and flattened the then incredibly over-paid, potty-mouthed dirt-bag rookie in a live scrimmage during training camp in La Jolla. It was on film and in the news. It was a beautiful thing.

Despite despising Leaf, Junior did all he could to baby sit the moron, including physically removing the screaming Cryin’ Ryan from attacking a Union Tribune writer. Class.

Nobody should be shocked that the owners of the Chargers, the Spawnos, err, I mean the Spanos’s rode a certain Hall of Famer out of town like a common pygmy. They’ve had a lot practice at it. Remember a guy by the name of Dan Fouts, San Diego? He still had a few good years left in him when Alex Spanos forced him out. Luckily both Fouts and Seau have way more class then do the Spanos – and let’s face it, who doesn’t? – and they left with dignity and class.

The good news, sports fans of San Diego? Next year we get a new, cool, baseball field. The bad news? Junior Seau has left. That should makes us about even. (Polite applause)

Friday, March 14, 2003

Oh, it's comin' now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hmm, I wonder why?
Robert Blake is free on bail. He wanted to celebrate, but for some reason he can’t seem to find anyone who will go out to dinner with him.

That and Robert Blake was behind bars.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said life expectancy for Americans reached an all-time high of 77.2 years in 2001. This is due to advances in medical care and nutrition plus the fact that the Texas dentist who ran over her husband, Clara Harris, is behind bars and off the road.

Show me the money
A haywire ATM machine in Fargo North Dakota spit out $285 in extra cash but three honest bank customers ignored temptation and returned the free money. Are you kidding me? In Los Angeles they would have taken the cash and then complained that it wasn’t an even $300.

But what about their much needed political statements?
In an effort to speed up the Oscars, the producers will limit acceptance speeches to 45 seconds. Last year 45 seconds was barely enough time for Halle Berry to inhale after each sob.

Since you asked:

The first time I heard Randy Newman’s “Political Science” I enjoyed a great chuckle at its obviously tongue-in-cheek irony. Now I am beginning to think it represents a lot of folk’s foreign policy beliefs, especially this one line*. You be the judge:

No one likes us-I don't know why
We may not be perfect, but heaven knows we try
But all around, even our old friends put us down
Let's drop the big one and see what happens

We give them money-but are they grateful?
No, they're spiteful and they're hateful
They don't respect us-so let's surprise them
We'll drop the big one and pulverize them

Asia's crowded and Europe's too old
Africa is far too hot
And Canada's too cold
And South America stole our name
Let's drop the big one
There'll be no one left to blame us

We'll save Australia
Don't wanna hurt no kangaroo
We'll build an All American amusement park there
They got surfin', too

Boom goes London and boom Paree*
More room for you and more room for me
And every city the whole world round
Will just be another American town
Oh, how peaceful it will be
We'll set everybody free
You'll wear a Japanese kimono
And there'll be Italian shoes for me

They all hate us anyhow
So let's drop the big one now
Let's drop the big one now

I am begining to believe they do all hate us anyhow. So what? Who cares? Boycott French products? Like what? Who is drinking French champagne all day besides super models, Rap artists and interior designers?

Of course the French hate us. From what I hear, they generally hate each other as well. And also, from what I hear, there are a lot of obnoxious American tourists running around Europe. If you judged all Americans by the behavior of the food service folks in New York City, you would come to the conclusion that we are a tad on the grumpy side as well.

That being said, I still love making French jokes. It is the comedy equivalent of shooting fish in a barrel. The questionable hygiene, the subject war record, the Jerry Lewis worshiping, it is all too fun. I've done a lot of jokes about the French lately, but it’s all in good fun. Besides, there is no harm done, the French get comedy about as much as the Amish get electricity.

Thursday, March 13, 2003

What all up in the Hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

But first, a little Freedom kissing
*The House of Representatives has officially changed the name of their cafeteria’s French fries to freedom fries. In addition, the Los Angeles Hustler store renamed one of its marital aides the Freedom Tickler.

Even the French are laughing at this. You have to go pretty far out of your way to do something so stupid that even the French think it's silly.

Get yourself a job, get yourself a job
*Macy’s announced they’re coming out with a line of "The Sopranos” clothes. Buyers beware: if you purchase and wear the Tony Soprano shirt, you won’t feel like showing up to work.

The nation of Belguim is holding its breath to see what we re-name our waffles
*In an embarrassingly toothless move even for Congress, the House voted to change the name of their cafeteria’s French fries to freedom fries. That’s silly, there is really only one type of food that can set someone free: oat bran.

Now that would chafe their derrière
*France rejected a British U.N. compromise on Iraq, infuriating the United States and Britain. In fact, Britain is so furious at France, to get back at them, they are thinking of naming all English food after France.

The House of Representatives is so furious at France, they are thinking about re-naming their cafeteria's chipped beef on toast: France on a Fritter.

How do we know it wasn’t the ref’s?
*A high school basketball player in Michigan dropped a small bag of marijuana on the court while playing in a game. He mistakenly thought getting “high” would improve his “ups.”

Now that is progress . . .
*Technology companies and car companies are developing more advanced navigation and entertainment systems that are becoming personal computers for automobiles -- or ''auto PCs'' –Now you will be able to e-mail your lawyer to retain him right after you drive over someone because you were distracted.

Sneak this
*USA recently ran a special on the ten toughest things to do in sports. Here are the three hardest things to sneak in sports: a word in sideways during a Keyshawn Johnson press conference; a ham past Tony Sarigusa or a cocktail past David Wells.

I resemble that remark
*Norwegian musher Robert Sorlie won the 1,100 mile Anchorage to Nome Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race almost two hours ahead of his nearest rival. There was an embarrassing moment when Augusta National president Hootie Johnson called to congratulate Sorlie and then asked if there is a secret to handling bitches so well.

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

Who da man? You da man. Who da man? You da man, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I wonder if they'll say anything about it?
‘`The View'' was nominated for Daytime Emmys. They were nominated in the category of “Best Talk Show”, “Best Talk Show Hosts”, and “Best Talk Show Hosts Who Talk The Most.” Addition, they are also nominated in the lesser known category of "Talk Show Hosts Who Never Shut the Hell Up."

Does Libya have a Club Med?
*The government of Iraq claims that 50,000 foreigners visit the country every month for vacation. Who does this? The people who waited too long to book Liberia?

We all have to do what we can
*Hollywood announced that the Oscars will go on even if we’re at war. Let’s be clear about this, this isn’t about bravery, this is about collecting that $20,000 gift bag.

Imagine how inspirational this is to those soldiers lying in the desert waiting to go to war that their brave movie stars are willing to endure designer clothes, a limo ride, champagne and a $20,000 gift bag.

Not going to hell? Priceless
The pastor of a church in Sweden has installed a credit card machine that parishioners can use to make their donation. That would be embarrassing. “I’m sorry, your prayers, as well as your credit card, have been declined.”

And, for extra realism, they really fell off a truck
*Macy’s announced this week they’re coming out with a line of "The Sopranos” clothes. They clothes are authentic; they come complete with Marinara and blood stains and they smell like the cheap perfume from the strippers at the Bada Bing.

The nice things about these clothes is that a lot of them double as tents and car covers.

Have it your way
*Texas will execute their 300th death row inmate since they reinstated the death penalty in 1982. What offends me is the McDonalds-like sign in front: “Over 300 Served.”

What was she thinking?
*The UConn Women’s basketball team’s 70 game winning streak dating back from the 2001 season came to an end last night as they lost 52-48 to Villanova. Afterwards, one of the Villanova women’s basketball players was so ecstatic, she accidentally hugged a guy.

*Mexico is still not supporting the US against Iraq. Mexico doesn’t approve of the United States going into another country. At least that’s what the few left back in Mexico who haven’t snuck into the US think.

Le Intern
*The House of Representatives has officially changed the name of their cafeteria’s French fries to freedom fries. In addition, Bill Clinton has announced he has switched from French kissing to freedom kissing.

But seriously
The Chinese government has ordered the Rolling Stones to ax four of their hits because of sexual references. In addition, they want the Stones to change the line in “Sympathy for the Devil” from “I rode a tank in the general’s rank” to “I rode a tank over a student’s crank.”

(Or, if you prefer “I rode a tank over a student’s flank)

A nation turns its lonely eyes to you
*The Beastie boys have announced on their Website they are against the possible war against Iraq. I am shocked. Can you believe that? I had no idea the Beastie boys were still around.

I think that’s what they call in military circles: The final green light.

Monday, March 10, 2003

I got your back, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Dudes, that’s jacked up
*Dell will replace their Dell Dude, Stephen, with commercials featuring eager interns. Is that a good idea? Aren’t eager interns what got Bill Clinton in so much trouble?

Young Punk
*Did you see Bill Clinton debate Bob Dole on “Sixty Minutes”? Or as the “Sixty Minutes” staff refer to Bob Dole, that young whipper snapper.

The logical next choice
*The sports shoe manufacturer Pony uses adult video actresses in their ads. They were going to use professional athletes, but then they decided to use people who were more honest and respectable than the average pro athlete, so, naturally, they went with porno stars.

That’ll show ‘em . . .
*In Los Angeles, some women stripped down to their thongs to protest a possible war with Iraq. Who organized this protest, Bill Clinton?

We all know that nothing punishes a bunch of republican men more than pretty women stripping down to their thongs. That’s like punishing Ted Kennedy with a free bottle of scotch.

In a related story, several key, but lonely, male congressmen immediately suggested that the US should plan to attack a few more countries.

You hate to see that
*People who watch violent television as children behave more aggressively even 15 years later, according to TV violence studies. In addition, those children who watched “The Bill Cosby Show” will aggressively wear really ugly sweaters.

Order it to go, baby
*ESPN College hoops announcer Dick Vitale is now pitching Hooter’s restaurant on radio commercials. Hooters has named a club sandwich after Dick Vitale: It’s an open-faced turkey with a lot of cheesy ham in it.

Empty Well
*The controversy continues over New York Yankee pitcher David Well’s book excerpts that he pitched his no-hitter “half drunk” and 40% of baseball players are on steroids. This also marks the earliest any player has locked-up the John Rocker Bonehead Comment of the Year award.

Well, maybe not exactly like it
*The commercial for the cholesterol drug Zocor shows quadruple bypass survivor Atlanta Falcons coach Dan Reeves getting a bucket of ice water dumped on his head. That’s asking for trouble. That’s like showing a Viagra user a naked picture of Janet Reno right before sex.

Since you asked:
I went snowboarding in Park City, UT last week. (Yeah, I know, there is nothing worse than a comedy writer trying to be cool ) To kill time waiting for my wife to get ready, I flipped on the local Park City cable access channel. It was possibly the funniest thing I have ever seen. Imagine two generation Y, thoroughly pierced, hung-over, stoned 'boarders trying to imitate “The Today Show’s” Katie Couric and, and what's his name? That guy with the prisoner of war haircut. Oh yeah, Matt Lauer. Anyway, it was side-splitting hilarious. You could see it was absolutely killing these Jamokes to try and refrain from using the words Dude or Like, and, of course, eventually they succumbed horribly.

It made "Wayne's World" look like Shakespeare in the park.