Here we use only sustainable, organic and gluten-free seasonal jokes. Comedy, satire, sports, editor and occasional cooking tips writer, Alex Kaseberg. E-mail to alex.kaseberg@gmail.com
Sunday, July 16, 2017
"Both Bush statues had to be treated for a nasty STD." Or "Although smiling for the camera, Bill Clinton could not hide his disappointment in being told where he could get inside of two bushes." Tesla CEO Elon Musk says Artificial Intelligence is the "greatest risk we face as a civilization.” Well, after the Kardashians.
That or the people who put all those little stickers on apples and tomatoes.
The Nadi X yoga pants vibrate when you’re in the wrong position. Or as I call them in my yoga class: pants that constantly vibrate. The Chicago Cubs scored 27 runs in 27 innings against Baltimore. It is easier for the Cubs to score against the Orioles than it is for the NBA to score at a Kardashian reunion.
In golf, the John Deere Classic was this weekend. As in “Oh Deere, I have no idea who these guys are.”
Since you asked:
The 2018 World Cup is in Russia? Now how did that happen? Let’s see. FIFA is a known corrupt organization repeatedly charged with taking bribes. Russia, under Putin, is a known briber, colluder and meddler in all affairs.
Hmm. That’s a tricky one.
"Gay of Thrones" is hilarious. Baby Kay-Stew for Arya? Awesome My amendments would be: Sansa Stark - Ginger Mila Kunis Arya - Trans Haley Joel-Osmont Tyrion - Mini-Me Jon Hamm Davos - Heartburn Charlie Rose Theon - Dickless Mick (Jagger) Jon Snow - Non-Annoying Hipster Ramsey - Pre-dog-poop
The Game of Thrones Cast As Imagined by ‘Gay of Thrones’
One of my favorite things about watching Game of Thrones is getting to watch “Gay of Thrones” — Funny or Die’s video recapsstarring hairstylist Jonathan Van Ness (a real-life stylist at Stile Salon in Brentwood, California) — afterwards. In every episode, he recaps the show for a different client, including Alfie Allen, a.k.a. Theon, and most recently, celebrity fashion stylist Brad Goreski. This is Westeros translated into a gay kiki argot, with entertaining digressions into Nancy Kerrigan versus Tonya Harding and Whitney Houston anthems. You don’t have to be gay (or even a GoT fan) to get into this.
Best of all are the names he gives to each character, which are uncannily dead on, often offensive, and ridiculously funny. There is Jamie Lannister as “Brother D” (short for Brother Daddy), Shae as “Capital City Celine,” and Ygritte as “that beautiful ginger bitch from Downton Abbey.” Herewith is the latest episode, along with a list of all the characters of Game of Thrones as dubbed by the Gay of Thrones:
House Lannister
Cersei: “blonde Cher” Tyrion: “the Munchkin” Jamie: “the incestuous boy,” “the incestuous twin with this fucking stump,” or “Brother D” (Brother Daddy) Joffrey: “that little power bottom queen King Joffrey” Tywin: “Deity” or “Daddy Lannister” Sansa: “the busted redhead” Tommen: “new baby power bottom”
Brienne: “Did Tilda Swinton eat a pig?” Lord Varys: “this Dr. Evil motherfucker with his pedophile sorcerer catching weird like I am going to fucking cut your entire mouth up and put you in a wooden coffin” Bronn: “the greasy guy with the long hair, which I was kinda feeling that long hair on him — it was kind of fetch”; or, “the helper” Shae: “Capital City Celine” Ros: “the redheaded prostitute” Podrick: “pussy popping Podrick” Oberyn Martell: “Mr. Sofia Vergara” Ellaria Sand: “Capital City’s J.Lo” Olyver: “brothel Aaron Carter”
House Baratheon
Melisandre: “Stevie Nicks Red Riding Hood” or “evil Gloria Estefan” Selyse Baratheon: “the crazy bitch with the dead babies” Shireen Baratheon: “baby Galapagos,” “dragon face”
House Targaryen
Daenerys Targaryen: “Christina Aguilera” Jorah Mormont: “Sir Carlisle” (from Downton Abbey) Missandei: “her lesbian Afro girl” Grey Worm: “baby Barack Obama” Old Daario (played by Ed Skrein): “vintage Smith Jared from Sex and the City” New Daario (played by Michiel Huisman): “busted Josh Groban”
House Bolton
Ramsay Snow: “that fucking bitch,” “that evil brunette motherfucker,” or “malevolent Enrique Iglesias” Roose Bolton: “Julio Iglesias” Theon: Van Ness just refers to Theon as Theon, or sometimes, “my little baby Theon.” It probably helps that Alfie Allen came onto the show for a recap. Watch below.
Walder Frey: “leather rawhide face Lord Frey”
House Stark
Arya Stark: “little baby Kristen Stewart” The Hound: “Dog the bounty hunter” or “Left Eye” Gendry: “King Robert’s hot bastard son” Polliver: “aggro Sinead O’ Connor” Bran: “the baby paraplegic” or “baby Miss Cleo” Catelyn Stark: “that slightly less attractive version of Stevie Nicks Red Riding Hood” (See: Melisandre) Talisa: “Winterfell Lady Gaga” Osha: “busted homeless Giuliana Rancic”
The Wall
Samwell Tarly: “Tubby Lubby” Night’s Watch council: “panel of haggard queens” Ygritte: “that beautiful ginger bitch from Downton Abbey” Styr: “alabaster Seal” White Walkers: “the white twerkers”
<< Home