Sunday, July 09, 2017

In Cleveland, a newlywed hired a killer to collect on her husband’s $100,000 life insurance. The problem was his ex-wife was still the beneficiary. So I’m guessing the Hope Diamond is safe from her for now.

I’m also guessing maybe the honeymoon did not go super good? 

In Cleveland, a newlywed hired a killer to collect on her husband’s $100,000 life insurance. The problem was his ex-wife was still the beneficiary. This criminal was so stupid, she was extradited to Florida. 

Ivanka Trump sat in on a G-20 meeting. There was an awkward moment when Ivanka asked, “Wait. So a G-20 isn’t a private jet?” 

When Chicago Cub, Kris Bryant, found out he was not going to the All Star game, he had four hits including two home runs in their 6-1 win over Pittsburgh. Cubs fans then reminded Bryant he was invited neither to the NFL Pro Bowl game nor “Dancing with the Stars.”

Since you asked:

Saw an interview with Bella Thorne. About seven out of the eight Kristen “I won the actress lottery and yet I am a disgruntled brat” Stewart warning bells went off. 

After last year’s World Series win, I’ve said all year long, as long as the Chicago Cubs come out on the field wearing pants, we Cubs fans have nothing to complain about.

Having said that once again, there is something fundamentally wrong with a team with this much talent struggling so badly. Yes, it is understandable, after so much post-season work, their starting pitching would be off. 

But this is starting to have that unmistakable stench of the Super Bowl winning 1985 Bears. That team had a defense that was so unbelievable that I could have played QB and they should have repeated. 

The first sign of trouble is when the ‘85 Bears declined to play in their annual charity basketball game for the Chicago police and fire departments. Egos and appearance fees killed the game.

And their coach, Mike Ditka, forced the real winning coach, Buddy Ryan, off the team. When “Dah coach”  wasn’t busy filming every commercial for every sleazy used car company in Chicago. 

While, thankfully, Joe Madden is the anti-Mike Ditka, one wonders about the ego and money affecting this team. 

This 2017 Cubs team is also starting to remind me of 90’s Cubs teams with Sammy Sosa on them. We did not know it at the time, but Sammy Sosa was a clubhouse cancer tumor the size of the ball chasing “Indiana Jones.” We should have known when the consummate teammate, Mark Grace, despised Sosa for his rude selfishness.

Joe Madden said the problem was in the clubhouse. They got rid of one problem, Miguel Montero, but he clearly wasn’t the entire tumor. 

Personally, I am starting to think two of the tumor’s names rhyme with Snake Marinara and Javy Baez. (OK, so I could not rhyme anything with Javy or Baez) Snake Marinara - oh screw being cute - Jake Arrieta clearly had problems with Montero. But usually problems are not limited to one player.

One has the sense the clubhouse problem, whoever it is, has a lot to do with David Ross not being in the clubhouse.  Grandpa Rossy could have gotten away with slapping Javy and Jake around.

Right now the Cubs have to thank their stars that their division sucks. It is not too late. And now with The Schwarbarian back, this could be all they need. 

But somebody in the remodeled, fancy clubhouse has to pull their head out of their butt. 

Here is what the Chicago Cubs need to do. They need to hire an older, wise guy, about 58, who can grill a mean burger and steak and tell a great joke. And ex-athlete who can sympathize, but not one who was so great he has his own ego problems. 

And if he is also a huge Cubs fan, that is a big plus.

Set him up the clubhouse after games with a Weber and a couple gas burners, grilling steaks, playing tunes and giving the players a hard time. Maybe if he can play an instrument, like a harmonica with a small backup band on occasion, that would be a plus.

A guy who could flip them good-natured crap to keep their feet on the ground:

"Hey, Javy, get another tattoo that says "I Hate Tattoos."

"Yo, Jake, you having fun making millions playing a child's game? Then tell your face."

"Whoa, look, it is Bryant and Rizzo. Sure you could take time out of your busy commercial shooting to play a game?"

"Yikes, Hayweird, is that a beard or is a labrador napping on your face?" 

"My man, Lester. What do you and Bill Cosby without drugs have in common? Neither one can get to first." 

Now where would they find a guy like that? 

Besides being amazing athletes, what did US decathlon legends Jim Thorp, Bob Mathias, Mel Campbell, Rafer Johnson and Bill Toomey all have in common? All went to tiny high schools that did not have enough participants on their track teams so they had to do multiple events.