Friday, July 14, 2017

Today on “Fun With Word Signs” with Kellyanne Conway, we will learn the difference between annul and anal. (Learned that one the hard way) 

Feeling all kinds of G-Stank up in this beeswizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Kid Rock is running for Senate from Michigan. He is running an all anti-scissors campaign. 

(Wait and . . . there you go . . . )

A study claims men have to masturbate five times a week to maintain good prostate health. Which, oddly enough, does not qualify as an alibi to the cops at Hooters.

It’s rumored one of the people in the Donald Trump Jr. Russian meeting was a fellow safari hunter who helped Donald Jr. shoot a large African antelope. Turns out this is fake gnus. 

Experts say global warming will cause flight disruptions. It’s possible you could get dragged off your United flight an hour later.

Now it turns out there were eight people in the Donald Trump Jr. Russian meeting. This isn’t a story, this is a circus clown car.

This story has had more shoes dropped than recess at a Nike factory in China.

A friend of O.J. Simpson told “ABC” O.J. is a respected peacemaker in prison. As long as you don’ t try to date his ex-cellmate. 

Following his latest in a slew of arrests for drunken violence, Shia LaBeouf said he does not have a drinking problem. That is like Anthony Weiner blaming his problems on a faulty zipper. 

“AskMen” ranked the horniest countries and Greece ranked #1. Russia would be #1 if you could include how much they screw US elections.

We have a transcript of the meeting between Donald Trump Jr. and the Russian lawyer:

Donald Jr.: “So what is this dirt on Hillary?”

Natalia: “Just kidding about that. But have you heard about the savings with solar energy?” 

It turns out a former Russian counter-intelligence officer was in the meeting with Donald Trump Jr. and the Russian lawyer. All that was missing was a guy in a monocle petting a white fluffy cat.

In L.A., a woman taking a selfie caused $200,000 in knocking a column-domino damage at an art museum. On the bright side, the woman was named an honorary Kardashian.

Donald Trump commented that the French First Lady, Brigett Macron, was in such good shape. We have a new word to go with covfeve. It is Mrahc. The opposite of Charm.

Donald Trump Jr.’s college nickname was “Diaper Don,” for drunken bed-wetting. Eric Trump’s college nickname was “Coke Dealer.” 

Doctors recommend ten glasses of wine a week for heart health and a study recommends men masturbate five times a week for prostate health. Yet I’m kicked out of Olive Garden for being a (finger quotes) "drunk" and a "pervert."

Since you asked:

Things that I now believe were misleading from TV as a child:

The constant threat from falling anvils, pianos, safes, bowling-ball- burning-fuse bombs, exploding cigars, quicksand and cleavers being hurled by enraged chefs. 

The importance of being able to juggle, sing at a campfire and tap dance under a spotlight.

The overall friendliness of bears, lions, gorillas, tigers and snakes.

The lack of air-born time in a car. 

Running through the rain to make out with beautiful women. 

Parking spaces in front of restaurants in New York City.

Woeful lack of time machines, flying cars and top-hatted villains who tie damsels to train tracks. (Just out of curiosity, what is the upside for evil villains of tying damsels on railroad tracks? Is it a kidnapping gone awry?) 

The only damage from explosions being lots of black soot and torn clothes. 

(Whoever came up with the timing of the cloud of dust and the slight delay in contact noise from the coyote falling in “Roadrunner,” was an under-appreciated genius)

Had to let a Facebook friend go. (Not a real friend, a friend of a friend)

She was like having three of the worst kind of Facebook friends. She was the ultimate drama queen and she vented on Facebook. So things were either world-shatteringly awful with people trying to drag her down and constantly doing her dirty, or she was a shameless Facebook bragger with posts that screamed: “Your life cannot possibly be as great as mine, so don’t even try.” 

Either of those I could have put up with, but then add on to that she was on a diet and posted a picture of every gluten-free, fat-free, carbohydrate-free kale and quinoa salad she ate.

Whining and bragging I can take. It was the kale and quinoa salads that ultimately got her sacked. 

What did I learn again to share from "The Elements of Style"?

Most should not be substituted for almost. 

Most everybody should be almost everybody. When you think about it, most and almost are extremely different. Most means the maximum, almost is not quite.