Monday, July 10, 2017

Look out, everybody, it’s a surfin’ daaawwwwwwwwg

Blac Chyna received a restraining order against her ex, Rob Kardashian. It is the second restraining order against Rob if you include his pants.

The Senate Intelligence Committee wants to talk to Donald Trump Jr. Thus marking the first time the words Donald Trump Jr and intelligence have been combined. 

Facebook is warning people not to accept a friendship request from a hacker, Jayden Smith. Will and Jada provide that kid with everything and he still turned out like this?

Chris Christie guest-hosted a radio sports talk show on WFAN, and it did not go well. On the bright side, Christie was named mascot of the single A Brighton Beached Whales.

Chris Christie’s disapproval rating in New Jersey is over 80%. More people in New Jersey disapprove of Christie than they disapprove of beat-downs from their bookie.

Facebook is warning folks not to accept a friendship request from a hacker, Jayden Smith. If this is Will and Jada’s kid, he is now the most disappointing celebrity child not named Hilton. 

This is the MLB All Star break. Or as the Philadelphia Phillies call it: the break. 

This is the MLB All Star break. The Philadelphia Phillies have five days to suck at something else.

Rob Kardashian called his decision to slut-shame Blac Chyna “spontaneous.” This statement came right after somebody explained to Rob what the word spontaneous means.

Rob Kardashian called his decision to slut-shame Blac Chyna “spontaneous.” Spontaneous is also how doctors warned the heavy Rob how he will combust. 

Rob Kardashian called his decision to slut-shame Blac Chyna “spontaneous.” Rob then asked what spontaneous means. 

In the midst of his Blac Chyna P.R. nightmare, Rob Kardashian has sold his house for $2.4 mil. Fumigation not included. 

Rob Kardashian called his decision to slut-shame Blac Chyna “spontaneous.” Rob then apologized for having spontaneoused. 

Since you asked:

Former Bear, Dan Hampton is showing he can still be as aggressive as ever as long as it is passive aggression. We get it, Dan, you hate Jim McMahon.  Hampton said the Bears would have won four Super Bowls with Jay Cutler.

Admittedly I am not a Cutler fan. Maybe it is not his fault his face has the default expression of a high school kid being told there is a pop quiz. But he would not have won a single Super Bowl for the mid-80's Bears. Time machine included. 

The only reason the ’85 Bears did not win another Super Bowl is due to oversized egos with Hampton’s being right up there with Ditka and McMahon. Hampton is a hypocrite for hating McMahon for being all the things he was: a spotlight-hogging prima donna.

Can you imagine the defensive line Vikings greats Alan Page, Jim Marshall and Carl Eller trying to hog as much attention as Hampton and Steve McMichaels did on the Bears?

The most egregious ego went to the most overrated coach of all time: Mike Ditka. Ditka was just a greedy, cigar-chomping a-hole. (And I do not mean the gap over the center)  The real coach of those Bears was another egomaniac, Buddy Ryan. Egomaniac, yes, but, unlike Ditka, not a shameless publicity whore. 

(Although in the only defense of Ditka I can think of, as long as he was on a TV panel with Michael Irvin, Ditka was always going to be the second biggest a-hole)

McMichaels and Hampton were always the ‘roided-up, red-neck biker bullies of the Bears. Excuse my alliteration. Not the classy side of the team, to say the least.

Nobody loved the 1985 Chicago Bears as much as I did, flaws and egos included. The class acts are legendary starting with Sweetness himself, Walter Payton, but including Mike Singletary, Jimbo Covert, Gary Fencik and Dave Duerson. And yes, the lovable Fridge. 

And maybe the most underrated player of all time: Dennis Gentry. 

So, Danimal, thanks for your contribution to the best defense ever. But grab a huge piece of Shut-The-Hell-Up pie. 

One of the most amazing athletic feats I have witnessed took place around 1980,  five years into Walter Payton’s career, at the height of his success with the generally crappy Chicago Bears. It was the Wednesday the week before the Bears final game of the season and I was home from UCSB for Christmas vacation.

It just so happened I was working out at Northwestern when I stumbled upon a charity racquetball tournament that sent a local Chicago news team to film Walter Payton who was playing in the tournament. 

Why Walter agreed to play in the tournament was almost mystifying. He had to play left-handed because he had sprained his right shoulder and his right arm was in a sling. Also his left ankle was badly sprained and he hobbled around on it like a cartoon character. 

But he still played his guts out.

At the time I could not get over Walter’s generosity of spirit. He had agreed to play and stuck to his word; he did not want to let down the kids in the tournament. And despite these two terrible injuries, he played as hard as he could. 

That being said, there was no way I could have imagined him playing that Sunday for the Bears. I remember telling my mom and dad he would not be playing. My dad raised his eyebrow and expressed his skepticism. He said Walter said he was going to play. 

Not possible, I said. 

Of course Walter did play. And gained over 200 yards and scored two touchdowns. All on that green Brillo pad-covered, frozen asphalt parking lot the Bears called a field. 

The toughest athletes I have ever seen were all Chicago Bears. Gale Sayers leading the league in rushing on a knee that should have sent the surgeon, Dr. Ted Fox, to prison. Dick Butkus playing on two knees butchered by the same criminal, Dr. Fox. 

And Walter Payton. 

As far as credible sporting events go, I have always placed the Home Run Derby just ahead of the NFL Pro Bowl and race-walking. (Race-walking has been accurately compared to the contest for who can whisper the loudest)