Friday, December 16, 2016

Today is National Ugly Sweater Day. Finally some good news for Bill Cosby.

Seattle unveiled their fluorescent lime green uniforms in the Seahawk’s 24-3 win over the LA Rams. Nike calls it Action Green, but my guess is either Chernobyl Guacamole, Tartar Sauce Left in the Sun or Jolly Green Giant Sinus Infection. 

Facebook announced they will be using algorithms, site users and journalists to stop fake news. Also they will use space aliens to destroy fake news with their laser eyes. 

Ex-Atlanta Falcon star, Jamal Anderson, exposed himself in a Georgia gas mart, but was not arrested because the clerk did not file charges. The clerk must have been impressed. Let’s just say the clerk thought Anderson used to play for the Giants.

Insiders say Donald Trump waved the Sec. of State job to Mitt Romney to torture Romney. Upon hearing this, Vladimir Putin said, “Torture with a T? That is adorable.” 

Rio fake-robbery swimmer, Ryan Lochte, said his wife is pregnant. What Ryan actually said is, “After boom-boom time, pretty lady make baby.”

Donald Trump tried tried to charm Silicon Valley. Not sure Trump gets it though. He said without Silicon, Melania's boobs would not be as big.

Blind tenor, Andrea Bocelli, has agreed to sing at the inauguration. Not sure it was done fairly. Trump told Bocelli he was Bernie Sanders.

Google claims the two most searched topics of 2016 were Hillary Clinton and Pokemon Go. Said Bill Clinton, “Name two things I don’t do anymore.” 

Paris is under siege from its worst rat infestation in decades. So Paris is filled with dirty, smelly wantonly rude vermin. And they have a lot of rats. 

Starbucks is now offering a fruitcake frappuccino. It will be as popular as its IRS Audit frappuccino and its Grandmother’s Meatloaf frappuccino.   

Donald Trump met with ex-NFL players Jim Brown and Ray Lewis. So between the three of them there were ten sexual harassment charges, six domestic violence/rape police investigations and two murder charges. They had a sensitivity awareness session.