Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Why my ass all chew up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Hillary Clinton met privately with Bernie Sanders yesterday. The most shocking part? The sock hanging from the doorknob. 

Sounds like two older folks had some hot after-primaries hate-sex.  

During a rally, Donald Trump suggested the crowd shout-out their suggestions for his running mate. So the official republican ticket is Donald Trump and Seymour Pujols.  

Many are mocking Steph Curry’s new shoe as an old guy shoe. The good news is they come with a computer chip that reminds you why you walked into a room.

Scientists have discovered frogs use six different sex positions. Said female frogs, “That’s nice, but just use that tongue.”

Scientists have discovered frogs use six different sex positions. This was released in a study titled; “Scientists Really Do Not Get Laid.” 

Many people are mocking Steph Curry’s new shoe as an ugly old dad shoe. It did not help that they named the shoe the Air Back In My Day. 

Polls show Donald Trump’s support with white males is dropping. That’s like a snowman’s support of the cold dropping. 

In Montreal, women will be allowed to go topless this summer. In other words, In Montreal, those Monts are about to get Real. 

Since you asked:

Tech Section:

After I graduated from UCSB in 1981, I had a job selling CPT stand along (meaning they could not do anything else) word processing computers. Which, in today’s computer industry, is like telling a organic, grass fed, Wagyu beef boutique butcher shop I used to sell brontosaurus burgers. 

Recently I eye-guzzled “Silicon Valley.” Just when I thought my admiration of T.J. Miller could not be stronger, he takes it to a new level. Plus he did a DeNiro "Raging Bull" thing with putting on weight for his role.

But the level of comedy in “Silicon Valley” is wildly exaggerated than actually exists in the computer world. (Yes, I know it is a comedy) The level of dorkness combined with smugness in that industry precludes a sense of humor. (See: Steven Jobs) 

One of the ongoing sources of comedy in the show "Silicon Valley" is how impossibly arrogant and humorless the folks are in that entire industry, but especially at the top. 

Remember, we are dealing with an industry where the vast majority of the people making a living in it, the IT folks, their technical expertise tops out at, "Try turning it off and then turn it back on." 

But I know there are folks out there in Silicon Valley who both have and appreciate a great sense of humor. One of my roommates in a dorm at UCSB was a tech genius and he had a great sense of humor. 

What Google, Yahoo, Amazon, Apple, and everyone else maybe besides YouTube need is more comedy. That is why they need to hire me. 

But here are some good terms to know and facts that have not changed since I was in the computer game. 

Hardware is what the people who write software blame the problems on and software is what the people who build hardware blame the problems on. 

V.C. went from a very bad thing in the Sixties to a good thing in Silicon Valley. 

Apps are the haps. 

Salespeople are the jocks of the nerd-dominated computer world. People skills are an anathema for computer 99% of tech nerds. 

Algorithm is a fancy term for a computer program. An algorithm ranges from getting two numbers to add up to another number or it is an ingenious search engine. It is what remembers what you bought on Amazon. It is the fancy math crap the geeks write on the giant white board and then take pictures of with their iPhones. It is also what allows them to buy ranch houses, Lamborghinis and yachts. And porn.

Beta means something that is crappy on fake purpose. It is the prototype of a software without the bugs worked out. I.e, “This things sucks.” “Of course it sucks, it is just the Beta.” 

This is a comedy intervention, Silicon Valley. Do not let the hilarious show “Silicon Valley” be the ironic mocking inside joke that it now is. Grow a sense of humor. Somebody at Twitter, Facebook, Google or Snapchat needs to hire an entire staff of comedians. 

Virgin Airlines has done it, the CIA has done it. Hell, even Al Gore did it years ago. 

Let me be your comedy consultant.