Sunday, June 12, 2016

Stir it up, little darling, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

After finishing second in the Kentucky Derby and winning the Preakness, Exaggerator, finished a dismal 11th - third from last - in the Preakness. Or as Exaggerator put it: he almost won the Triple Crown. 

Preakness winner, Exaggerator, will be put out to stud where he will perform his services with a mare three times a day. Or as Exaggerator puts it: ten times a day. 

Many people are mocking Steph Curry’s new shoe line as an ugly old dad shoe. It did not help that they named the shoe line the Air You Punks Get Off My Lawn. 

A 48-year-old Bronx hospital worker was found dead on the job of a heart attack while masturbating. I’ve heard of loving your job to death, but that is ridiculous. 

Since you asked:

Roseanne Barr has endorsed Donald Trump. The list of celebrities who endorse Trump is the official Washed-Up, Crazy A-Hole list: Roseanne Barr, Sarah Palin, Caitlyn Jenner, Scott Biao, Ted Nugent, Steven Seagal, Hulk Hogan, Mike Tyson, Billy Baldwin, Gary Busey. 

How is OJ Simpson not on this list?  

During a speech in Florida this week, Donald Trump, publicly and viciously humiliated the sound man for giving him a flakey mic. “Hey daddy, why are you so excited this morning?” “Honey, today your father gets to set up the sound system for our country’s republican presidential nominee. It is a real honor.” “Oh, daddy, I am so proud of you.” 

This is the guy many people want to be our next president. 

This is what the woman at the hotel screamed at. Puppy Wally. 

A few years ago our pipes burst and we had to take up residence with our puppy, Wally, in a Residence Inn right next to Qualcom’s headquarters for a month. The hotel rooms had kitchens and the place was pet friendly, but none of, or at least not many other guests, had pets. 95% of the guests of the half-empty-during-the-week hotel were high tech folks from all over the world who were put up there for months at a time by Qualcom.

Now, maybe it was due to a difference in cultures, maybe it has something to do with how the brains work of really smart and tech-savvy people. But it has been my experience most people were, A, friendly, and B, liked cute puppies. Neither was the case with most of Qualcom’s foreign gun-for-hires. 

Keep in mind I am an admitted needy guy. So I like to make friends whenever possible. As a youngest child and a comedy writer, that officially makes me needier than a lost puppy in the rain. But these folks were not friendly. 

Weekends were a different story. The hotel would fill up with families from all over California in town for various tournaments, mostly volleyball and soccer, and the hotel was a bastion of fun-loving, friendly, laughing, splashing friendly folks. 

But during the week 95% of the 50% occupants were stern, hard-working Qualcom folks from distant and exotic lands. 

One early 60’s-something woman - from I think South Africa - actually screamed at the top of her lungs when the elevator doors opened and I was holding little white fur ball that was puppy Wally. 

Now, the second she screamed, I realized intuitively that this was a cultural difference. Where she came from dogs were to be feared. That did not matter to me. Here we were in a nice hotel early in the morning and I was holding a sweet, cute puppy, on a beautiful quiet morning. Her response was wildly inappropriate. 

When she screamed, scaring me and Wally half-to-death, I absolutely let her have it with both barrels. If a censor was bleeping me it would have been one long bleep. It was like “The Exorcist,” I called her names I did not know I knew. “You beeping scream at a beep, beeep, little puppy?  Beep, you beeping beeper little puppy beeper beeping piece of beeping beep.”

And I still do not feel bad about it. 

They had a state-of-the art brand new gas grill by the pool. Nobody used it during the week but me. When I grill I love to grill to music - like at home - so I would put out my portable iPod speakers and play my grilling playlist - heavy with Bob Marley, Jimmy Buffett, Jack Johnson, Van Morrison, Beach Boys, Eagles  - at a polite level. (One time I was playing this playlist at sunset at Power Park above the beach in Del Mar. When we packed to leave, three different people came over to me and asked me to give them my playlist) 

Nope. People complained to the management about the music. Had to use headphones. 

Then one day I came out there to grill, per usual, with puppy Wally on his leash, this time there was a sign in bold letters on paper in a hard plastic case on top of the grill that said, “Please do not put your pet on a leash in the pool/grill area. It upsets some of our out-of-town guests.” 

Guess what sign I utterly ignored each time I grilled? If someone was useless enough to complain about a puppy sitting quietly chewing on his bone on a leash, they would have to do it to my face. Nobody did. 

One time a nice hotel employee, a young guy, came out all hang-doggy and apologetic and said people were complaining about Wally being on the leash by the pool. (Remember, this is a hotel that accepts pets) As nicely as I could I told him, “Ask those people who are complaining to come talk to me.” He agreed. They never talked to me. Wally stayed. I tore up the sign. 

Prior to staying in that hotel, it was my bias that most people love being friendly, love music, love grilling, love wine, beer, sports, comedy and puppies. 

Not the case. 

There are many people out there who do not like any of those things. At all.