Coffee, you've always been there for me, and so have my Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

An Oregon man is suing a hospital because his botched hernia operation left him with an 80-pound scrotum. Can you believe the balls on this guy? 

In a rally in Fresno, Donald Trump announced there is no drought in California . . . as a tumbleweed blew across the stage. 

In England, a couple in their 80’s, Colin Dunn and Sallie Smith, got married after 40 years of dating.  “Will you, Colin, buy this cow even though you’ve been getting free milk for 40 years?”

A “TMZ” poll has 95% wanting Bill Cosby to go to prison for all of his sexual assaults. The other 5% are on the Baltimore Ravens. 



A sex survey revealed men believed their women experienced orgasms 84% while the women said they only had orgasms 64%. The survey after this revealed men think women suck at math.

Since you asked:

Help me out, I am a little fuzzy trying to catch up to the news. Did I hear that Amber Heard claims a gorilla at the Cincinnati zoo punched her? 

It was tragic they had to shoot the gorilla in the Cincinnati zoo when the 4-year-old snuck into the gorilla exhibit. They should have shot his parents. 

This election is so insane, how close are we to finding out Hillary Clinton paid for a phony degree in Email Management from Trump University? 

My sources tell me that if Amber Heard did want to frame Johnny Depp for domestic violence by having someone punch her face to leave a mark, there would be no shortage of volunteers. 

Watching Donald Trump during this campaign feels like riding shotgun in a car that is playing chicken and you now suspect your driver is suicidal.

Amber Heard is exactly the kind of psycho I would have fallen for if I was rich, famous, younger and better looking. Once you go cracked, it is hard to go back. They pack their own fun until the drama gets too much. 

Hollywood always uses the same cliche to depict life as a movie star. Showing up in a limo at your movie premier to the explosion of paparazzi flashes and the screaming of psycho fans. That’s it? You can keep that crap.

The people who are excited about voting for Trump are bitter to the point of blindness and just want to give the rest of the country a giant Eff U. 

And the people who are voting for Hillary are like people who say they like eating kale, but the truth is they have to eat kale because the doctor told them to. Nobody really likes kale.

And the people who are voting for Bernie Sanders believe in the theory of karma above the laws of physics. 

“Writers will often find themselves steering by stars that are disturbingly in motion.” 

― William Strunk Jr., "The Elements of Style."