Monday, May 30, 2016

This just in:

In Mexico, soccer star, Alan Pulido, escaped his kidnappers by shooting one of his captors. The escape will not count however. He used his hand on the gun. 

If they had kidnapped Scott Norwood, he would still be a captive. #WideRight

An Australian woman is missing after swimming in crocodile-infested waters at 10:30 PM. If she was consumed, authorities are now on the lookout for an extremely drunk crocodile.

Police are filing a missing drunk moron report. 

In an interview, actor Corey Stoll said the sex scenes he did in “Girls” were stressful. “That must be really hard,” said a West Virginia coal minor coughing up black dust from his lungs. 

In England, a couple in their 80’s, Colin Dunn and Sallie Smith, got married after 40 years of dating. Colin said, "After 40 years of free milk, it was time to buy the cow." Colin is expected to recover from the injuries he sustained while saying that. 

The NFL is moving the Pro Bowl from Honolulu to Disney World in Orlando, FLA. This way Goofy, Dopey and Sleepy will be Disney characters and not just descriptions of the Pro Bowl game.

In a Santa Monica restaurant, a 24-year-old man, Michael Hsu, was arrested after three women saw him drug his date’s drink. Hsu was charged with intent to commit rape, drugging to attempt rape, and impersonating Bill Cosby. 

If convicted he faces a rough time in prison as a boy named Hsu.