Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Introducing Gnarly McLefter

Still don’t get the big brain bit, do you*, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Taco Bell is being sued for not having enough beef in their beef tacos. Suing Taco Bell for not having enough beef is like suing Cap’n Crunch for not really being in the Navy.

24-year-old Chrystal Harris is engaged to 84-year-old Hugh Hefner. If you want to get Chrystal a nice gift you can’t do better than a snowboard for Hef.

The Octomom’s children turned two last week. If you want to give them a gift you can’t go wrong with a certificate from Bed, Bath and Beyond Therapy.

The 100 mafia members the FBI arrested aren’t all that tough. Like Mikey “Quiche” Galgano, Louie “Chi Latte” Spamone, and Sal “Brazilian Wax” Pompano.

The rioters are throwing stones. It doesn’t help matters when smart-ass onlookers keep singing “Rock like an Egyptian.”

Taco Bell is being sued because of a claim there is not enough beef in their beef tacos. There was an awkward moment when an anonymous Taco Bell spokesperson replied; “Since when is donkey-meat not considered beef?”

The Octomom’s children turned two last week. Eight two-year-olds running around, that would be enough to drive a mother nuts. Luckily the Octomom is already nuts.

Charlie Sheen has to go back to the hospital. Not for stomach pains like the last time, when he checked into rehab he ran into Lindsay Lohan running out. Knocked Charlie clean out.

24-year-old Chrystal Harris is engaged to 84-year-old Hugh Hefner. The couple is writing their own vows: “Do you promise to love honor and cherish ‘till death - like when Chrystal sneaks a window open at night - you do part?”

Since you asked:

Excited for the Sup-hew-rah Bhab-bha-boooo-rah, or as my friends not versed in Wally-speak would call it, the Super Bowl.

Unlike most Bear fans, I do not harbor a deep-rooted hatred for the Pack. As a kid I used to visit the Packer museum on the way up to Upper Michigan to see the Kaseberg grandparents. Had a #44 Donny Anderson jersey. Even like the Lions.

But I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers. Always have. No, I don’t hate them as much as I hate the Oakland Raiders, but that is like saying I don’t hate serial killers as much as terrorists.

So you’re asking, Lex, you bon-vivant, raconteur, mother-effin man-about-town, what do you think of CBS’s handling of Charlie Sheen?

Let me put it this way. CBS does not stand for Charlie’s Baby Sitter. Nobody is saying they are encouraging Sheen’s insane behavior, but ask yourself this: how long would you watch “Two and a Half Men” if Charlie Harper went into rehab and got clean and married?

Point of fact: I knew a Charlie Harper in high school. Went on literally to be a rocket scientist at NASA as well as a theology professor at Harvard and then the head of one of the richest charity organizations in the world, the John Templeton Foundation.

Not exactly a hooker-humping, blow-snorting boozy jingle writer.

You can’t make this stuff up:

Fully aware I have friends who hear/read my diatribes of psychos in my neighborhood and assume the problem is with me turning into a crank, I swear this is true.

Now, I have nothing against the car Range Rover, they are handsome, expensive vehicles. It has, however, come to my attention that a disproportionate percentage of Range Rover owners do not drive with consideration for their fellow drivers if not flat out contempt thereof.

This incident did not involve me directly.

But I was driving in back of a Range Rover and I made a mental note to observe the actions of the driver to either support or debunk my theory. The attractive, fit and otherwise nice-looking early 40’sh mother ran the stop sign, not rolled to slow down, ran it with her hand held cell phone to her ear in one hand, she then, with the other hand, flipped off the driver who honked at her for getting cut off/ nearly hit.

This entire one-woman incivility parade being witnessed by the small boy in her back seat car seat.

* Great line from Rip Torn’s character, Bob-the-defense attorney in the Albert Brooks’s underrated “Defending Your Life.”