This right here our very own groundhog. Happy Birthday, Mister Wrigley, just a lot of trouble wrapped up to look like a puppy dog.

New York City has even more snow. For an extra $50, the Times Square hookers will stick a carrot in your snowman.

The riots in Egypt are being blamed on the huge disparity between the rich and poor. Kind of like the rift between the rest of N’ Sync and Justin Timberlake.

“Two and a Half Men” is on hiatus while Charlie Sheen is allowed to rehab in the comfort of his home. Apparently CBS now stands for: Charlie’s Baby Sitter.

President George W. Bush’s daughter, Barbara, has split with her father in favor of the equanimity of allowing gay marriage. This is bittersweet for Bush, he is proud of Barbara’s independence, yet upset she’s using confusing words like equanimity.

House Speaker, John Boehner defended his emotional reactions to topics. I agree, I like John Boehner, he reminds me of the guy who likes to chat with the Ace Hardware clerks about faucets.

It is so cold in Washington, Speaker John Beohner’s tan went from deep carrot amber to a paler shade of burnt persimmon orange.

House Speaker, John Boehner defended being a smoker. Boehner should be careful smoking, god forbid his spray tan gets ignited. He would light up like a sparkler.

Media day at the Super Bowl and cheese-heads and Troy Polamalu wigs abounded. Not as popular? The Ben Roethlisberger rape-beards.

House Speaker, John Boehner defended his emotional reactions. I agree, I like John Boehner, he reminds me of the guy drinking at the airport frequent flyer lounge while bragging about his credit card points.

I like John Boehner, he reminds me of the guy on the driving range who tells you’re standing too close to your ball . . . after you hit it.