Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I'm sorry, do you have a question?

We jammin’ and I hope you like a jammin’ too, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A Chicago federal jury was deadlocked on 23 counts against Rod Blogojevich and only ruled guilty on one count. As a result the jury was named: stupidest jury since the OJ Simpson trial.

Plastic surgeon Dr. Frank Ryan – who performed countless procedures on Heidi Montag – died while crashing his car while texting. The official score for this incident: Karma 10, A-hole 0.

There is a growing controversy over whether a Muslim Mosque should be allowed to be built near ground zero in Manhattan. There was an awkward moment when former President Bush weighed in with his opinion. He feels Mosques should only be worn on Halloween.

Paris Hilton is being sued for $35 mil by her hair extension company, Hairtech, because Paris wore another company’s hair extensions. How stupid do you have to be to screw up hair extensions? Snooki couldn’t screw up hair extensions and she is dumber than a sack of brajole.

Brett Favre is rumored to be close to coming back to the Minnesota Vikings. Why do I get the feeling Favre has never heard the fable about the boy who cried wolf?

Have you heard about the new Brett Favre video football game on Xbox? It’s fun to play, but the DVD keeps popping out of the console.

“Jackass 3-D” is opening in October. “Jackass 3-D” is a lot like “Eat Pray Love” if “Eat Pray Love” had a lot more dumb guys getting whacked in the testicles.

A law that made it illegal to lie about military awards has been overturned. In a related story, you can now call me Major Lex.

Since you asked:

Happy Birthday to my mom, Ann Rodgers Kaseberg, a total class act who would have been 82 today. Miss you, Mom.

One of the many things I have always admired about the Rolling Stones is how they have managed to capture that vibe of the really cool kids in spring of senior year of high school, the ones who already had early acceptance to their top college of choice, and were partying it up wearing wild Hawaiian shirts, sunglasses and funky hats while the rest of us schlubs were studying for finals.

In fact, in my mind, those cool kids were the epitome of everything I was not: fun-loving, excited, optimistic, hip, content and most of all, happy.

While many of the cool kids would go on to become divorced alcoholics ruining their health to hyper- tension from the stress of trying to live up to –and failing - their demanding, impossible-to-please rich parents, the Stones turned that senior-year-spring-vibe into their career.

The Stones would announce their next tour with a wild press conference/party at some ultra cool location: a yacht on the Hudson, a Parisian art gallery, under the Brooklyn bridge, at a mansion in the Hamptons, always with funky clothes, hats and jewelry with a laugh on their face, a cigarette in their mouth and a red plastic party cup in hand filled with god-only-knows-what at 9:00 am. All the while looking like they are snickering hysterically at some inside joke played on all of the rest of us.

Bless their hearts.

Come to think of it, here is a damn good quality-of-life barometer:

Is your life now closer to, or further away from the partying cool kids of spring of senior year?

(Not to get all Carrie Bradshaw "SATC" on your ass . . .)

Me? Not to jinx things, knock-on-wood, but I have to say a lot closer to. Not just because of the surfing, snowboarding, bbq’s, band playing, comedy writing, great friends and a great, great family, but also because, at that time, I was hosed; no decent college prospects, my left hamstring was effed-upped but bad and three girlfriends had cruelly dumped me over the year, so I was starting out freaking far away from the ultimate cool kids my senior year and feeling pretty damn sorry for my sorry ass at that.

So, although I do feel a tad smug knowing I have moved closer to those spring senior year cool kids than I was then, the fact is they had that moment at that time and I did not.

Luckily for me, I do know you cannot take great moments away.

Speaking of the karma train. "US New & World Report" came out with the list of top colleges and my beloved UCSB made 39th out of a list of the top 200. The ex-girlfriend who was snottiest/meanest about rubbing in getting into a good school after high school, which I did not, her college? Not even ranked.

Eff her ess right in the bee. Woot, woot.