Friday, August 20, 2010

We slammin' and jammin', Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

from “Jersey Shore” has had “being annoying in public” added to her arrest charges. If this charge’s punishment is relatively weighted, she could face the death penalty.

Spencer Pratt is going to write a tell-all book about Heidi Montag; “Oh my word, that is going to be brilliant literature.” said nobody on the planet.

In addition, this will be the first book in history that will be able to retain vinegar and water.

Spencer Pratt is going to write a tell-all book about Heidi Montag; but before he can begin, Spencer has to figure out where the apostrophe goes on the word Ho.

Remember Lisa Nowak, who put the nut in astronaut when, in 2006, she drove all night in diapers from Houston to Florida to attack her love rival? A Navy panel just now recommended a demotion. What the hell do you have to do to get fired from the Navy? It’s like jetBlue.

Lada Gaga has surpassed Britney Spears in twitter followers. And that concludes this week’s sentence that my Aunt Gertie will never understand.

Chicago still hasn’t been featured in a “Real Housewives” segment. But trust me, there are housewives in the suburbs of Chicago who could skin all the other real housewives alive without once breaking their icy smile.

Since you asked:
For folks in and around my generation who have had trouble with relationships, if you are looking to blame someone other than yourself or your parents, you have come to the right place.

Blame it in our love songs.

When I was first falling in love with women, there were hardly any great love songs that set a good example for a committed relationship. Two of my favorites were EC’s “Layla” and “Bellbottom Blues” both about tortured unrequited relationships with a woman who didn’t seem to like let alone love the guy. Sadly, these two would be the most accurate in depicting my high school romances.

“Operator” by Jim Croce is great but pathetically sad. You can practically hear the bums waiting in line in back of this guy while he is on a pay phone. (Parents, take a second to explain to your kids what a pay phone was) The girl left him for his best friend, Ray. What kind of woman dumps a guy for some dork named Ray?

“Helplessly Hoping” by Crosby, Stills and Nash is a cautionary tale about a dysfunctional relationship where the woman toyed with a guy she refers to as no less than a clown, or harlequin. “Heart of Gold” searching is the key word, as in has not found it yet.

OK, “Our House” was sappy, but it was about a fairly good relationship. Until about a week after it came out and we found out Joni Mitchell dumped Graham for the C and the S and Y sans the N. And just about everyone else who ever recorded a song in Los Angeles.

Another heart-breaker was “If You Could Read My Mind” by Gordon Lightfoot in which he is simply trying to dump the girl nicely. “Wild Horses” by the Rolling Stones is about the devotion a man has for a woman who is bent on self-destruction so he decides to go with her and seal his destruction.

Bruce's "Born to Run" isn't so much a love song as it is a throw-your-ess-in-the-car-and-we'll-get-the-eff-out-here song.

“Maggie Mae” was Faces and Rod Stewart’s ode to a MILF. Also at the time the same was true about “Mrs Robinson.” It would not be the last as it was joined by “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

Elton’s “Tiny Dancer” is about a groupie in a band. How is that going to work? Sure, she is labeled the seamstress for the band, but come on, that’s just what she told the IRS.

“Best of My Love” Is a "We're breaking up, but its not you, it's me, but it is really you."

“Stairway to Heaven” Does anyone know what this song is about? I don’t think it is a love song. Near as I can tell it starts out about a woman with a severe shopping addiction and an attitude. But then he gets too stoned while writing the song but keeps writing lyrics anyway and it really gets weird. Bustle in your hedgerow?

No, not a lot of songs about Date Night.

“Baby, you pick the movie tonight,
I’ll pay the baby sitter right,
Let’s try not to get in a fight
I'll take a Viagra 'til we get it right”