Tanith "Come on Scorchin' Betty, bambalam" Belbin

We got our Vancouver Winter Olympics on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



The movie “The Wolfman” opened this weekend along with “Valentines Day.” The movie “The Wolfman” is about a man who is half-man, half-wolf, the movie “Valentines Day” has an audience with men who are half-men, half-women.



At the Vancouver Winter Olympics, when we heard the men’s moguls silver medalist, Australia’s Dale Begg-Smith, has earned millions in Spam and online scams, admit it, how many secretly wished Begg-Smith’s results would be wiped out by a Spam-generated computer virus?



At the Vancouver Winter Olympics, the US men’s snowboard pants are designed to look like faded baggy jeans. After the Olympics, they will be available to the public, butt-crack sold separately.



In New York City it is Fashion Week and the Westminster Dog Show; either way, New York tourists, please do not touch the hungry bitches, they will bite.



The US men’s Olympic snowboard pants are designed to look like faded baggy jeans. After the Olympics, they will be available to the public and will be offered in different shades of blue including “Whoa, dude” azure, “Totally stoked” cobalt and “Way Gnarly” navy.



At the Winter Olympics, I have to admit I am not a fan of the women’s luge; if they are going to give an award for a woman who can lay still on her back the most, where is Hillary Clinton’s gold medal?



Since you asked:

Thank goodness for the Winter Olympics. Several times I looked into the sports abyss that is the time between the Super Bowl and the Masters and saw empty despair only to remember the Olympics (and the “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit edition) and, suddenly I knew I would make it.

As much as I love the events and the human interest stories, I have to admit the Winter Olympics has a kind of suspicious NASCAR-like only-eight-guys-too-cozy feel. Let’s face it, the Nordic combined on the regular hill – as opposed to the big hill - isn’t exactly the level of competition as the hundreds of top golfers in the world fighting it out at “The Masters.”

For the most part, skiing and snowboarding and skating get a pass as totally legitimate. Some traditionalists look down their noses at snowboarding, but they have to take the ski pole out of their butts. Snowboarding is awesome even if is relatively new. It’s like the Triathlon in the Summer Olympics. Cool new events beat the hell out of stodgy old events. Curling looks like a blast and I am all for sports you can play while drinking heavily. But an Olympic event? Really?

However, like the Summer Olympics, I sense some of the Winter events have a “I invented the sport in my backyard and basement” made up feel. For example, Apolo Ohno is great, but, if he is so fast, why doesn’t he compete in long-track speed skating? And is there really a big difference in skating 1,000 meters and 1,500 meters? So why two different events?

It’s like I said of the rowing in the summer Olympics; if you created a human rowing machine he could win ten gold medals just because of all the myriad possibilities in distances and different rower combinations.

And swimming should just be who travels the fastest for a distance no matter which stroke they use. You don’t have a men’s 100 meter running backwards. Why a medal for the backstroke? And the swimming distances should truly be limited to a sprint, a middle distance and an endurance event like they are in track.

The Women’s Luge loses me. If I want to see a woman lie still on her back – no, I better not. And the Skeleton? Congratulations, you are one of the best of the total of eight people in the world who do this. And who decides who does the Luge or the Skeleton?

“You know, Carl, as a Luge’r, you’re just not that great at lying on your back. Have you thought of lying on your stomach? Look at you, you’re a born Skeleton’r. ”


Even the pairs figure skating doesn’t get a complete pass. If these people are the best in the world, why do so many of them fall so much in a routine they have practiced a billion times? And can anyone explain the difference between pairs figure skating and dance figure skating? Which one has that scorching Betty, Tanith Belbin?

Speaking of hot Bettys, how about all those winter Olympics babes half-naked in the swimsuit edition of “Sports Illustrated”? Thanks to Lindsay Vonn, Hannah Teter, Lacy Schnoor and Clair Bidez, we might have our first Winter HOlympics. And why wasn’t scorching Betty, Tanith Belbin, in the swimsuit edition?

These are just a few of the questions I have going into tonight’s Olympic festivities which are exciting indeed. Women’s snowboard cross – keep the hot-dogging to a minimum, Lindsey Jacobellis. And that men’s skiing event that isn’t the downhill, but is still cool. Go Bode.

No, the Winter Olympics are great, but right now I only have Olympic cough-due-to-cold. By this time next week, I am certain it will be a full-blown Olympic fever.

And then it is bring on the Curling, buuuhhh beeeeeee. After that, Olympic fever will be replaced by Olympic Hangover.