Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Here is a little bit I am going to call “Berg on Berg Comedy.” Lex Kaseberg tries his hand at Mitch Hedberg-like comedy:

(Delivered in the dead-pan cool-jazz drawl of the late great Mitch)

How come, when you are standing in a long line, you are filled with envy of those people in front of you? But when you get to the front, you don’t give a damn about those people in line in back of you? Lazy, late bastards got what they deserved, if you ask me.

When a car turns in front of me without using their blinker, they are being a-holes. When I turn without using my blinker I am being spontaneous.

When I try to type in the Google search bar but the cursor isn’t in it, where do those words go? I think they float into outer space where right now the words Lipstick Lesbians are colliding with Naughty Housewives.

Is there anything that goes from a C priority to an A priority faster than having to pee?

Snow is over-achieving rain.

When you see someone you think you know but it turns out to be someone else, why am I suddenly so pissed at that person? Just who does that deceiving bastard think he is?

If when, in the ten-items-or-less line, a six pack of beer counts as one item, how come when I drink a six pack it doesn’t count as having had one beer?

A donkey is a learning disabled horse.

Do people who work strenuous manual labor jobs consider sitting at a desk a work out?

A rose by any other name would be called something else.

Why do coffee drinkers think the can always beat up tea drinkers?

How come you never hear anybody say; “Yes, he is a Nazi, but he is a nice Nazi”?

People either look cool in a hat, or they look like a dork in a hat, there is no middle ground on this. If you are not sure if you look cool in your hat, you have just answered your own question.

Why is it, when I am getting ready to leave my house, I am so happy to see my car keys and yet so dismissive of them as soon as I get back home? Go away car keys, you now bother me.