Monday, April 30, 2007

What is and what should never be, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Good move
The DEA announced that the quality of cocaine has gone up while the price of cocaine is going down. Well if that isn’t a novel way to fight drug use: advertise that the drug is a good deal.

Not good
The Miami Heat were swept by the Chicago Bulls. Shaquille O’Neal shot horribly going 0-for-7 at the free throw line Sunday and Shaq shot an atrocious 3-for-19 during the two weekend games. Honestly, Dick Cheney can shoot better than that.

Long time
The San Diego Padres lost to the Los Angeles Dodgers 5-4 in 17 innings. 17 innings. To show how long that is, in that time, Giants slugger Barry Bonds head grew two sizes bigger.

We kid the Bugs
Bugs Bunny turns 72 today. You can tell Bugs is getting up there. His last cartoon episode was titled; “What’s up Doc? No seriously, look at this mole, what’s up with it, Doc?”

Catchy title
Alec Baldwin is going to write a book about the injustices that plague divorced fathers; I’m beginning to think Alec is a little bitter. The book is titled “Kim Bassinger is a Liar Whore.”

Get it? I hope not
A gasoline tanker in Oakland caught fire and melted an entire freeway overpass. Investigators say the truck crashed because they found huge skid marks. In fact, the skid marks were so big they were bigger than the skid marks found in Sheryl Crowe’s tour bus.

A gasoline tanker in Oakland caught fire and melted an entire freeway overpass. The damage could take so long to fix that it could keep the Oakland Raiders from driving to practice this summer. That is shocking. The Oakland Raiders practice? Since when?

That clears that up
The Phoenix Suns beat the Los Angeles Lakers 113-100. It turns out the Britney Spears/Laker’s Luke Walton romance rumor started on “Entertainment Tonight” is a hoax. Luke has a girlfriend and Britney wants to spend more time dropping her kids.

Who knew?
A 116-year-old Ukrainian goat herder claims his long life is due to never having had sex with a woman. A 116 year-old virgin. And here I had no idea there was a “Star Trek” fan that old

Nice image, huh?
The Miami Heat was swept from the playoffs by the Chicago Bulls; To give you an idea how bad the Heat stunk, Sheryl Crowe gave them permission to use more toilet paper squares.

Since you asked:
Personally, I won’t to go on record as saying I like the TMZ, I get many timely topics from that site. And in the event I become famous, I will go out of my way to be nice to the TMZ.

In the equally probable likelihood of me becoming famous, I want to announce that if two monkeys fly out of my behind, I will name them Sparky and Spiffy.

All hail the iPod
How did I live before the iPod? I can’t work out without mine. Then I come home from working out and fire up the grill with the iPod playing in the sound system and the outdoor speakers.

While waiting for the grill to heat up I will pop up into the office to listen to iTunes on the ‘puter and play a quick high speed game of Internet checkers and answer e-mails. And then, later that night, if I am having a hard time falling asleep, I listen to my “Snooze” sound list of mellow songs when I want to go to sleep.

(Download Amy Winehouse “You Know I’m No Good”) The chick kicks it old school as the youngsters say, by cracky).

Even Vinny is less annoying
Isn’t “Entourage” amazing? Art imitating life that has turned into life imitating art and back. Huh? Seriously, what’s next? A show that portrays the guys being the guys in “Entourage”? Where does it stop? It is like one of those barbershop mirrors that go on forever.

P.S. One of my favorite "New Yorker" cartoons is by, I think, Charles Adams. (When I say Charles Adams think Gary Larson’s “The Far Side” but more psychotic) It is a guy at a barbershop and his reflection is reflected into a reflection into a reflection, on and on, until the tenth time, then that reflection is a monkey, then it picks up with the guy’s reflection to infinity.

You know, the sideways eight thing. ∞

(Polite applause)