Oh yeah we gonna sta
We got the drama all up in this here hizzy wizzy my mizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
The thought that counts
Guess what? I got a Christmas Card from FEMA: it says; “Merry Christmas and a Happy 2004.”
FahgettahbOOOUtit
New York City has been hit with a transit strike. It’s bad, the only thing running in the subway is the flow of urine.
New York City has been hit with a transit strike. It’s bad, no subways are running. In fact, today alone, ten muggers had to mug each other.
Cab drivers in New York are so over-worked they had to replace their turbans with sweat bands.
New York City has been hit with a transit strike. On the bright side, they’ve finally figured out a way to keep terrorists out of the subways.
It’s so bad, in Times Square, guys are hiring hookers just to ride them to work.
New York City has been hit with a transit strike, It’s so bad commuters are insulting dock workers just for the resulting ambulance ride.
New York City has been hit with a transit strike, It’s so bad some commuters are jumping into the East River and riding the floating corpses to work.
New York City has been hit with a transit strike, It’s so bad some commuters are ratting on the Mafia just so they can be taken for a little ride.
Good with the not so good
The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has called for a ban of all Western music; unfortunately for Iranians this ban includes artists besides Celine Dion, Ashlee Simpson and John Tesh.
The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has called for a ban of all Western music; This ban started when the Iranian president heard Regis Philbin’s Christmas album.
Get it?
Elton John is getting married to his longtime partner, David Furnish, tomorrow in England; if you can’t figure out what to get Elton for a wedding present you can’t go wrong with the British Adult movie take-off of “Brokeback Mountain”: “Blokes Back-mounting.”
Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
On this date in 1946 in Vietnamese communist leader Ho Chi Minh declared war on the French colonialists. When reminded of Ho Chi Minh, President Bush said, “Although I don’t agree with communism, in retrospect, it wasn’t respectful to call their leader a Ho.”
Minh declared they would fight the French with guns, swords, shovels, hoes or sticks. Turns out, to beat the French, all they needed was the sticks.
You know what you now need to fight the French? A stern look and an angry rebuke.
We have that option
“King Kong” did not open to the blockbuster numbers that some experts had predicted. In California people figured if they wanted to see a big scary ape wreak havoc they can watch Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Snubbed even
“Time” magazine named Bill and Melinda Gates and U2’s Bono as Persons of the year; If you ask me, FEMA’s Mike Brown got hosed.
Intelligence gifted guys
Last week, mob boss Vinny “The Chin” Gigante, died in prison. The days are over of Mafia guys with great nicknames like Vinny “The Chin,” Joey “Bananas” Bobby “Kneecaps.” Now the mob is preppy and politically correct: The names are now: Cooper “The Weight Challenged” Ryan “The Person with Difficult Needs” and Tyler “The Emotionally High Energetic.”
All the really good people here at a.L.b.b. would like to introduce a new feature we like to call:
One Step Forward, Ten Steps Back
(Inspired by, and partially lifted from, comedian Louis Black)
411 Operators. They really don’t have to talk, all they have to do now is push a button on a computer and 75% of the time they mess that up.
Choices of Milk: Lactose intolerant? Don’t drink milk. Soy Milk is not, nor will it ever be, milk.
Choices of Orange Juice: You want calcium? Drink milk. Pulp, no pulp, extra pulp? Shut up.
Microsoft Word: How many people have ever really used the engineering graphics to make a newsletter comprised of inserts from the Internet in Arabic? We don’t need all of this crap. And hit one wrong key stroke and you and your document are sent to computer hell and there is no getting out.
NFL broadcasts: Honestly, does anyone know or care –outside of professional coaches - what cover 2 is? As for all the graphics and statistic information, if I wanted to look at math I wouldn’t be watching a football game. And that’s the 10% that isn’t a commercial or a network promotion. And would somebody please, please tell Terry Bradshaw that laughing hysterically at your own jokes doesn’t make you funny.
Call waiting. “Oh, sorry, this call coming in may actually be somebody I give a crap about.”
TV News choices. Honestly, not to get all “You punks get off my lawn” on you, but I miss just Dan, Peter or Tom. And I don’t really miss crazy Dan.
Star 69: What paranoid freak came up with this? And the 69? No, I know you think it stands for the fact that this feature eats it, but it really stands for the number of phones in the country that Star 69 actually works on.
Grocery Store Self-Check Out. It should be called Self Push-a-button-watch-the-computer-lock-up-and-wait-for- the-lone-attendant-cashier-to-help-everyone-else-and-then-finally-un-stick-you. Repeat with each item.
And finally,
Cordless House Phones. Sure, before we had to walk over to where the phone was bolted in the wall and we couldn’t wander any farther than the cord length.
Now it is so much easier now to walk over to where the phone is supposed to be plugged into the wall, of course it isn’t and you can’t find it, then you listen for the distant ringing, run around and almost break your neck when you finally do find the phone your service answers it just before can and now the battery on the phone is beeping dead. How did we ever live without this?
The thought that counts
Guess what? I got a Christmas Card from FEMA: it says; “Merry Christmas and a Happy 2004.”
FahgettahbOOOUtit
New York City has been hit with a transit strike. It’s bad, the only thing running in the subway is the flow of urine.
New York City has been hit with a transit strike. It’s bad, no subways are running. In fact, today alone, ten muggers had to mug each other.
Cab drivers in New York are so over-worked they had to replace their turbans with sweat bands.
New York City has been hit with a transit strike. On the bright side, they’ve finally figured out a way to keep terrorists out of the subways.
It’s so bad, in Times Square, guys are hiring hookers just to ride them to work.
New York City has been hit with a transit strike, It’s so bad commuters are insulting dock workers just for the resulting ambulance ride.
New York City has been hit with a transit strike, It’s so bad some commuters are jumping into the East River and riding the floating corpses to work.
New York City has been hit with a transit strike, It’s so bad some commuters are ratting on the Mafia just so they can be taken for a little ride.
Good with the not so good
The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has called for a ban of all Western music; unfortunately for Iranians this ban includes artists besides Celine Dion, Ashlee Simpson and John Tesh.
The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has called for a ban of all Western music; This ban started when the Iranian president heard Regis Philbin’s Christmas album.
Get it?
Elton John is getting married to his longtime partner, David Furnish, tomorrow in England; if you can’t figure out what to get Elton for a wedding present you can’t go wrong with the British Adult movie take-off of “Brokeback Mountain”: “Blokes Back-mounting.”
Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
On this date in 1946 in Vietnamese communist leader Ho Chi Minh declared war on the French colonialists. When reminded of Ho Chi Minh, President Bush said, “Although I don’t agree with communism, in retrospect, it wasn’t respectful to call their leader a Ho.”
Minh declared they would fight the French with guns, swords, shovels, hoes or sticks. Turns out, to beat the French, all they needed was the sticks.
You know what you now need to fight the French? A stern look and an angry rebuke.
We have that option
“King Kong” did not open to the blockbuster numbers that some experts had predicted. In California people figured if they wanted to see a big scary ape wreak havoc they can watch Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Snubbed even
“Time” magazine named Bill and Melinda Gates and U2’s Bono as Persons of the year; If you ask me, FEMA’s Mike Brown got hosed.
Intelligence gifted guys
Last week, mob boss Vinny “The Chin” Gigante, died in prison. The days are over of Mafia guys with great nicknames like Vinny “The Chin,” Joey “Bananas” Bobby “Kneecaps.” Now the mob is preppy and politically correct: The names are now: Cooper “The Weight Challenged” Ryan “The Person with Difficult Needs” and Tyler “The Emotionally High Energetic.”
All the really good people here at a.L.b.b. would like to introduce a new feature we like to call:
One Step Forward, Ten Steps Back
(Inspired by, and partially lifted from, comedian Louis Black)
411 Operators. They really don’t have to talk, all they have to do now is push a button on a computer and 75% of the time they mess that up.
Choices of Milk: Lactose intolerant? Don’t drink milk. Soy Milk is not, nor will it ever be, milk.
Choices of Orange Juice: You want calcium? Drink milk. Pulp, no pulp, extra pulp? Shut up.
Microsoft Word: How many people have ever really used the engineering graphics to make a newsletter comprised of inserts from the Internet in Arabic? We don’t need all of this crap. And hit one wrong key stroke and you and your document are sent to computer hell and there is no getting out.
NFL broadcasts: Honestly, does anyone know or care –outside of professional coaches - what cover 2 is? As for all the graphics and statistic information, if I wanted to look at math I wouldn’t be watching a football game. And that’s the 10% that isn’t a commercial or a network promotion. And would somebody please, please tell Terry Bradshaw that laughing hysterically at your own jokes doesn’t make you funny.
Call waiting. “Oh, sorry, this call coming in may actually be somebody I give a crap about.”
TV News choices. Honestly, not to get all “You punks get off my lawn” on you, but I miss just Dan, Peter or Tom. And I don’t really miss crazy Dan.
Star 69: What paranoid freak came up with this? And the 69? No, I know you think it stands for the fact that this feature eats it, but it really stands for the number of phones in the country that Star 69 actually works on.
Grocery Store Self-Check Out. It should be called Self Push-a-button-watch-the-computer-lock-up-and-wait-for- the-lone-attendant-cashier-to-help-everyone-else-and-then-finally-un-stick-you. Repeat with each item.
And finally,
Cordless House Phones. Sure, before we had to walk over to where the phone was bolted in the wall and we couldn’t wander any farther than the cord length.
Now it is so much easier now to walk over to where the phone is supposed to be plugged into the wall, of course it isn’t and you can’t find it, then you listen for the distant ringing, run around and almost break your neck when you finally do find the phone your service answers it just before can and now the battery on the phone is beeping dead. How did we ever live without this?
posted by Alex at
2:21 PM
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