Monday, August 08, 2005

A rrrrriiiiooot ish und ugly zing, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Tricky flick
“The Dukes of Hazard” opened this weekend; or as President Bush calls “The Dukes of Hazard:” “A real brain teaser.”

That time already?
The baseball season is heating up to see who makes the playoffs. This is the time of year the players need to double the amount of steroids they don’t know they’re taking.

You hear me?
Rafael Palmeiro continues to insist he did not knowingly use steroids and said angrily to the press; “Anyone who says I knew I took steroids can kiss my grotesquely shrunken testicles.”

Apology to Lloyd Benson
Excerpts from the transcripts of Marilyn Monroe analysis revealed Marilyn had many one night stands including a bad one night stand with actress Joan Crawford. Apparently Marilyn knew John F. Kennedy, she slept with John F. Kennedy and Joan Crawford was no John F. Kennedy.

Try this
The company Google is looking internationally to hire two executive chefs. Gosh, I wonder how they are going to find two chefs? Hmm. They could place an ad. Or they could look in the personals. Or, how about if they, oh, I don’t know, try and Google the word chef?

The company Google is looking internationally to hire two executive chefs. How embarrassing is that for the biggest search engine Google that they can’t find two chefs? Hell, blindfolded, Kirstie Alley could find two chefs in a minute.

No easy task
Rumor has it that Britney Spears is tired of Kevin Federline spending her money and she wants him to get a job. A shocked Kevin Federline said; “I’m a male dancer, having sex with a woman is my job.”

Until then
Anna Nicole Smith said she wants to see a private screening of Colin Ferrill’s sex tape. Until Ferrill agrees, however, Anna Nicole will just have to be happy watching Colin screw his career in “Alexander.”

Yikes
This week a man successfully finished a long-distance swim across all five of the Great Lakes, despite water temperatures in the low-40s. It was so cold, his testicles were more shriveled than Rafael Palmeiro’s.

Since you asked:
Every now and then, we, the public, get a clear view as to the steaming arrogance of many famous people, and a glimpse into just how little regard they have for our collective opinions and intelligence.

Bill Clinton’s “What is the definition of is?” is a great example. Tom Cruise’s jumping the couch is a beauty. But I think the best in a long time has to be Rafael PalMEiro’s angry testimony under oath to Congress absolutely incensed that someone would accuse him of using steroids, then, what does that silly boy go and do? He tests positive for steroids.

Now, one would think that would be a crushing blow to anyone’s ego, no matter how huge, and that it would result in an embarrassed conciliatory apology.

Not quite.

What does PalMEiro say? Despite the red-handed – or in this case, red cheeked - positive test, he publicly said he didn’t know he was taking steroids. Has Raffy been eating off of Barry Bonds’s plate?

Here is my question for Bonds, McGuire and PalMEiro: are they really that stupid or do they think we are all that stupid?

As I’ve said before, Maury Povich’s father, Shirley Povich, was a famous international journalist for the Washington Post among others. He covered stories all over the world but covered sports also because he loved sports. He said the ego of the average major league baseball player was only rivaled by dictators of mid-sized to large South American nations.

How else can you explain guys who cheat and then deny that they cheated, then, after they get caught lying and cheating, claim they didn’t know that they were cheating, and if all of that isn’t enough, they become indignant that someone would accuse them of knowingly cheating in the first place?

Give Jason Giambi credit. At least he admitted he cheated. And, now that Giambi is knocking them out of the park again, it will be interesting to see if he admits cheating again when they finally nail him with the brand new undetectable latest designer steroid he is currently using.