This just in;
Jose Canseco is selling his World Series ring on his website for $40,000. Pride and credibility not included.


Oh, I see, you want ‘tude? Ahh’ite. You got a dude with a ‘tude up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Who knew?
Hockey all-time great legend Wayne Gretzky has been named the coach of the NHL ‘ s Phoenix Coyotes. That’s amazing. I can’t believe that. There actually is an NHL hockey team in Phoenix?

On the bright side
In Cambodia, a husband and wife with four kids have now discovered they are brother and sister. The good news? Today they were named honorary citizens of West Virginia.

They’re short, I say
The movie “The Dukes of Hazard” is number one at the box office. Have you seen it? If Jessica Simpson’s shorts were any shorter they’d be a belt.

Contrary wise
Critics feel that “The Dukes of Hazard” is an unsubtle and snotty Hollywood inside joke at the red states. When asked to respond to that charge, one moviegoer said; “Insulting and culturally stereotyping the movie may be, nonetheless, that Jessica Simpson sure enough is purty lookin’.”

Quite a change
Bill Clinton has said he is joining the fight against obesity whereas, before, he would just offer obesity a cigar.

The times they are a changin’
Do you know that 30% of children today are overweight? Ten years ago our biggest fear for children was too much crack, now it is fear of too much butt crack.

Could be something to that
Declining television ratings indicate that Tiger Woods’s popularity is ebbing. Some marketing experts feel Tiger’s declining fan base is because it’s hard to cheer for a young billionaire married to a Swedish bikini model who plays golf looking like he is about to undergo a colonoscopy.

Why? Why so mean?
Rosie O’Donnell is joining the cast of “Fiddler on the Roof” Rosie will be playing the part of the roof.

More ‘tude from the dude
Martha Stewart had her house arrest extended by three weeks because she violated her parole by attending a Yoga class. Now instead of doing the downward dog, Martha is doing the homebound bitch.

Like us Cubs fans can talk
The Discovery landed without incident. Did you know that, during the space shuttle’s descent, it doesn’t have any power? It just plummets to the earth and lands over twenty seven times faster than a commercial jetliner. They got the idea from watching the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Since you asked:
Following the month long Festivus that was her seventh birthday celebration, Ann Caroline is currently at a camp at an Animal Center. They trot out all kinds of animals for the kids: pigs, llamas, sheep, turtles, rabbits, birds, monkeys, snakes, you name it. So yesterday morning I asked her if she would try remember the names of the different animals she saw for me. (We are paying for critters, so I want to know what type of critters we’re getting for the buck)

When I picked her up in the afternoon I asked her if she remembered the name of the differant animals. Ann Caroline said;

“Sure. Let’s see, there was Bubba, Doris, Scooter, Tweety, Magoo, Snacks, Bubbles and Dewey."


Top Ten Things It Would Be Cool To Hear Sam Elliot Say:


10: “Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.”

9: “Whoa partner. Is that a six shooter or are you just glad to see me?”

8: “Meat. It’s what’s causing heart attacks.”

7: “Some feel the overuse of alliteration in Shakespeare’s sonnets is self-indulgent.”

6: “Bite me.”

5: “Are you a good witch or a bad witch?”

4: “Damn this horse stinks to high heaven.”

3: “That Tom Cruise is whackier than an outhouse rat.”

2: “Martha Stewart? I hit that but good.”

And the final thing it would be cool to hear Sam Elliot say:

“Hoobastank.”

And now all the good people here would like to introduce a new feature at a.l.b.B. we like to call:

Lex's Limited Experience with “Hollywood”

As my existence in the entertainment industry is at the fringe at best, I have, however, had enough experiences to make some conclusions. One thing about Hollywood and the players I’ve met is that the ass-smooching is either one of two things: It’s either way too much or not nearly enough.

Whether they are doormen, valets, waiters, stars or television executives, the default mode in Hollywood is always; “What can this person do to advance my career?” The answer to that is either a lot or nothing at all. If it is nothing at all, as it usually is in my case, you can actually witness these people mentally murdering you right on the spot. That’s better than if they think you can do a lot for their career, then it is shameless and uncomfortable tookus toking.

However, I cannot lie, the few times I was mistaken as somebody who could help a Hollywood career, every now and again, a serious dose of buttock bussing is kinda cool. Kinda cool.

What is the one and the only badge of honor in Hollywood? Your parking spot. Forget money, fame, power, your home address, or your car, you can judge your worth in Hollywood by how good your parking spot is.

Why do you think “Get Shorty” ended with a shot of Chili Palmer’s studio parking spot?

Tookus toking? Buttocks bussing? What the . . .?