This just in:
Doctors in New Hampshire had to call in a locksmith after a man came into the emergency room with his testicles locked in a padlock. I will bet anything this episode began with the phrase;

“OK, fun is fun, guys, seriously, pay up and give me the key.”


We gonna up the drama in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I think I’ve said this before
Apparently Mike Tyson is serious about becoming a porn star. He got the idea from watching Don King make a lot of money screwing people.


Close but not quite
The cabbie that turned in the Tennessee fugitive couple said he didn’t believe their Amway alibi because they weren’t pushy enough to be Amway salesman. In other words, they were annoying enough to be murdering escaped felons, but not nearly annoying enough to be Amway salesmen.

Well, I have
The Seattle Mariners have a pitcher named J.J. Putz. That’s weird, because I’ve always heard that Barry Bonds was the only real Putz in baseball.

First time for everything
In the running debate on evolution President Bush is in favor of intelligent design over Darwinism. It also marks the first issue where President Bush’s name and the word intelligent appear repeatedly.

You heard it here first
The Chicago Cubs have lost eight games in a row realistically taking them out of the Wild Card race. Remember when the Cubs were winning with Manager Dusty Baker? The motto was “In Dusty We Trusty.” Now the motto is “With Dusty We’re Rusty.”

Since you asked:
Very funny and dark comedian David Attell had this bit of advice on his website when people ask for his advice on becoming a stand up comedian:

“Well, if you want to spend your life going from airport to club to strip club to ATM back to strip club and then masturbating in a hotel room, then this is the career for you.” – David Attell

From time to time I get the same question about comedy writing, to which I would like to add:

If slaving away on a piece for many back tightening and brain frying hours until you are positive there isn’t one word in it that isn’t hysterical only to have it roundly rejected by the most self-righteous and humorless people on earth, magazine and newspaper editors, then, sure, a career in comedy writing is perfect for you.

You’ve heard the expression some days you eat the bear, some day the bear eats you? Yesterday I ended up a big ol’ pile of bear doo doo.

Oh well, poor me, right? The important thing is that I ended the day making a ripping pot of Paella that my wife and daughter enjoyed very much. And yes, you just heard a straight male use the term: ripping pot of Paella. Don’t tell my TiVo.

TiVo Update:
OK, you heard me say that my TiVo mistakenly thinks I’m gay because I had to record many “Will and Grace” WGN episodes in case the Cubs go long, and also I have a weakness for the cooking channel? As a result my TiVo Suggestions has been recording a lot of “Days of Our Lives” “Oprah” and other “Sweating to the Oldies” and decorating tip type things.

Well, to throw it back on the straight track, I started recording much guy’s guy type stuff: wrestling, bass fishing, monster truck shows and NASCAR races. Guess what? The combination of all those sports while still concluding I am gay has driven my TiVo to a new conclusion: My TiVo now thinks I am a lesbian. How do I know? Yesterday it taped an L.P.G.A. tournament.